BABY TEETH

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

"I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE!" HE YELLS OUT DEFIANTELY.

"FINE," SAYS MRS. MENEEM IN A SOFT VOICE, "GO SIT DOWN IN THAT CHAIR UNTIL THE REST OF US ARE DONE."

AND THEN KYLE, WHO EVIDENTLY DIDN'T HEAR HER PROPERLY DUE TO HIS BUILDING RAGE, YELLS OUT "WELL I WON'T TODAY!!" AND THEN SITS DOWN PASSIONATELY IN THE CHAIR MRS. MENNEN JUST POINTED AT>

THERE'S A BIT OF A CONFUSED SILENCE AS MRS. MENEEN TRIED VAINLY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT JUST HAPPENED. KYLE'S JUST GLOWERING AT HER WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED ACROSS HIS WAIST. TO THIS DAY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KYLE THOUGHT MRS. MENEEN SAID, AND I DON'T THINK SHE DOES EITHER.

ANYWAY, THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, OUR OTHER FRIEND PAT DECIDES HE'S HAD ENOUGH, TOO. IN AN UNPRECEDENTED ACT OF COMPASSION AND COMRADERIE HE WALKS ACROSS THE CLASS TO WHERE KYLE IS AND SAYS, "I'M NOT DOING THIS, EITHER". AND GIVES KYLE A HEARTY SLAP ON THE BACK. THIS WOULD HAVE INDEED BEEN A PROUD MOMENT FOR ANY REBELLIOUS SIX-YEAR-OLD, ONLY WHAT HAPPENED INSTEAD IS THAT ONE OF KYLE'S BABY TEETH SHOT OUT OF HIS MOUTH LIKE A ROCKET THE SECOND PAT MADE CONTACT WITH HIS BACKSIDE. KYLE DID WHAT WE ALL DID WHEN WE LOST OUR BABY TEETH: SLOWLY FELT OVER THE AREA WITH HIS TONGUE, AND ONLY WHEN HE REALIZED THE TOOTH WAS GONE DID HE START TO PANIC.

IN THE MEANTIME, THE CLASS WENT FROM ORGANIZED ROWS OF DANCERS TO WILD MANIACS ON A SCAVENGER HUNT. AS THE TOOTH SLIDE A FEW FEET ACROSS THE FLOOR AND DISAPPEARED FROM VIEW ABOUT A DOZEN KIDS MADE LUNGES FOR IT, WHICH QUICKLY INCITED RIOT AMONG THE REST. I GUESS WE ALL MUST HAVE BEEN GREEDY CHILDREN AT THE TIME BUT I REMEMBER THIS WILD PANIC AND A WHOLE MESS OF GRABBY ARMS TURNING THE PLACE UPSIDE DOWN IN HOPES OF FINDING THE TOOTH AND MAKING A QUICK DIME OR SOMETHING.

KYLE, OF COURSE, HAS JUST WATCHED THIS WHOLE HORROR UNFOLD IN FRONT OF HIM. I HIGHLY DOUBT THERE'S ANYTHING MORE TERRIFYING TO A SIX-YEAR-OLD THAN WATCHING YOUR SO-CALLED 'FRIENDS' VORACIOUSLY TRY TO STEAL YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH. SO KYLE, INSTEAD OF REPRIMANDING PAT, INSTEAD STANDS UP AND FACES MRS. MENEEN AND YELLS OUT "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!", ISSUES A HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK I WILL TAKE WITH ME TO THE GRAVE, AND JUMPS INTO THE THRONG OF CHILDREN IN FRONT OF HIM.

MRS. MENEEN IS STILL STANDING DUMBFOUNDED AND IS PROBABLY WONDERING HOW LINE DANCING COULD HAVE GONE SO WRONG WHEN SOME KID STRAIGHTENS UP AND YELLS OUT "I'VE GOT IT!!" AND HOLDS THE BABY TOOTH HIGH UP TO HEAVEN AND THEN KYLE JUMPS UP AND STARTS BAWLING AND RUNS OUT OF THE CLASS.