BIKE RACE

SO BASICALLY IN ADDITION TO TRACK AND FIELD DAY, OUR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ALSO HAD ONE OR TWO OTHER ANNUAL CELEBRATORY EVENTS, AND ONE OF THEM WAS SORT OF A LARGE OUTDOOR RACE AROUND THE SCHOOL. WE WERE IN GRADE THREE, SO THIS WAS MY THIRD YEAR DOING IT, BUT IT GENERALLY INVOLVED AN ENTIRE CLASS OF KIDS PUSHING THEIR WAY AROUND THE PERIMETER OF THE SCHOOL GROUNDS WHILE TRYING TO SURMOUNT VARIOUS "OBSTACLES" WHICH COULD MEAN ANYTHING FROM CRAWLING UNDER A FEW DESKS PUSHED TOGETHER TO TRYING TO KNOCK A PIE PLATE OUT OF A TREE WITH AN APPLE (THIS WAS AN ACTUAL 'EVENT' ONE YEAR - SOME CALLOUSED TEACHER TRULY THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD, CREATIVE IDEA).

ANYWAY WE STILL LOOKED FORWARD TO IT BECAUSE IT MEANT BEING OUTSIDE AND RUNNING AROUND, AND WHEN OUR TEACHER ANNOUNCED THE DATE FOR THE RACE WE ALL CHEERED. AND THEN MRS. MENEZOS LOOKS US ALL SQUARELY IN THE FACE AND SAYS, "AND BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THIS CLASS HAS A BICYCLE (SHE HAD LEARNED THIS FROM A SURVEY DONE EARLIER IN THE WEEK) YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO BRING YOUR BIKE - FROM HOME!!"AND WE ALL GASP! THIS IS JUST INSANE!! INSTANTLY EVERYONE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HOW COOL THEIR BICYCLES ARE AND HOW MUCH FASTER THIS IS GOING TO MAKE US ALL AND EVERYONE IS JUST EXCITED BEYOND BELIEF.

OF COURSE THE NEXT DAY EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT THE RACE BECAUSE IT'S A WEEK AWAY AND THAT MIGHT AS WELL BE YEARS FROM NOW. EVEN THOUGH WE'RE REMINDED OF IT OVER WEEK WE ALL JUST KEEP FORGETTING.

ANYWAY THE DAY OF THE RACE ARRIVES. WE SHOW UP TO CLASS AND MAKE SURE ALL OUR STUFF IS STILL IN OUR DESKS AND FIGURE OUT WHO'S NOT HERE AND STARE OUT THE WINDOW AND THEN MRS. MENEZOS SAYS "TODAY IS THE RACE!" AND EVERYONE JUST ERUPTS IN EXCITEMENT! OF COURSE WE ALL FORGOT ABOUT THE RACE, EXCEPT FOR SOME OF THE SMARTER GIRLS AND ANYWAY THINGS ARE AWESOME. THEN OUR TEACHER ASKS WHO BROUGHT THEIR BIKES, AND AGAIN, A COUPLE OF THE SMARTER, QUIETER GILRS SHYLY RAISE THEIR HANDS AND POINT TO THEIR BIKES WHICH ARE LEANED UP IN THE HALLWAY. MRS. MENEZOS SORT OF SMILES AT THEM AND THEN SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT, "EVERYBODY LOOK AT KYLE!!"

AND ACROSS THE FIELD, COMING UP OVER THE HILL WITH THE RISING SUN BEHIND AT HIS BACK IS KYLE, PUSHING WHAT I FIRST ASSUME TO BE A LARGE SPARKLING DIAMOND ON WHEELS. IT'S HIS BIKE. NOW I'VE SEEN HIS BIKE AND RIDDEN IT BEFORE AND EVERYTHING, AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT REMEMBER IT LOOKING LIKE THIS. AS THE SUN GLINTS OFF THE IMMACULATE FRAME I SEE THAT ONE OF KYLE'S PARENTS SPLURGED IN THE BIKE SECTION AT CANADIAN TIRE BECAUSE HE HAS LIKE EVERY SINGLE LITTLE ADD-ON YOU CAN HAVE ON A KID'S BIKE. HE'S GOT ALL SORTS OF BELLS ON IT, A FULL-OUT RUBBER HORN, EVEN SOME OF THE GIRLY BIKE STUFF LIKE THOSE SILVER-TINTED COLOR STREAMERS THAT ATTACH TO THE HANDLEBARS, AND THOSE BRIGHT FLUORESCENT BEADS THAT LOOSELY CLIP ONTO YOUR BIKE SPOKES AND THEN FLY OUT AND CLACK AGAINST THE RIMS WHEN YOU START PEDALLING. IT'S RIDICULOUS. AND IN ADDITION TO THE KAZILLION THINGS HE'S GOT CLIPPED ONTO HIS BIKE, HE'S COVERED THE ENTIRE THING IN ABOUT A THOUSAND HOLOGRAPHIC THUNDER-CAT STICKERS AND HE'S GOT LIKE A HUNDRED HOCKEY CARDS TAPED TO THE FRAME SO THEY MAKE NOISE AGAINST THE SPOKES. IT'S JUST NUTS.

OF COURSE KYLE'S ALL SMILES AND WE'RE ALL MAKING ABSURD "WHOAAAAAAAA" EXCLAMATIONS, AND KYLE SAUNTERS UP TO THE WINDOWS AND WE ALL ADMIRE THE BIKE UP CLOSE. IT'S REALLY INCREDIBLE. HE'S GOT EVEN MORE STUFF ON IT THAT I FIRST REALIZED. THERE'S ABOUT THREE WATERBOTTLES TIED TO IT, HE'S GOT A SCREWDRIVER ATTACHED TO THE FRAME WITH SOME STRING, AND ALL HIS LEGOS AND BEST TOYS ARE STREWN ABOUT IN THIS BRIGHT GREEN BASKET HE'S GOT IN THE FRONT. HE'S GOT HE-MAN TAPED TO THE VERY FRONT LIKE A SHIP'S FIGUREHEAD. THE WHOLE THIS IS JUST GLORIOUS.

KYLE GETS HIS BIKE INTO THE HALLWAY AND MRS. MENEZOS FAKES INTEREST IN IT AND DEMURS A FEW COMPLIMENTS WHILE THE REST OF US ENTHUSIASTICALLY LOOK IT UP AND DOWN AND ADMIRE THE THING FROM ALL ANGLES. I AM SO STOKED TO BE HIS NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR AND CAN'T WAIT TO RIDE IT AFTER SCHOOL. KYLE'S LOVING THE ATTENTION AND KEEPS TELLING US THINGS LIKE "BET YOU THOUGHT I'D FORGET THE RACE!!" AND "I'M SO FAST ON THIS BIKE!" AND OTHER LITTLE BOASTS. EVENTUALLY THOUGH WE'RE ASKED TO SETTLE DOWN AND SCHOOL BEGINS, AND IT'S JUST BRUTAL TRYING TO DO MATH WHEN THAT AWESOME BIKE IS IN THE HALLWAY.

ANYWAY AFTER ABOUT A THOUSAND YEARS MRS. MENEZOS SAYS THAT IT'S TIME FOR THE RACE AND WE RUN OUT INTO THE HALL AND ARE ASKED TO GO OUT BACK TO THE 'BIG KIDS' PLAYGROUND (GRADES 4-6 HAD THE BACK HALF OF THE SCHOOL GROUNDS, WE HAD THE OTHER HALF. THE SCHOOL ITSELF WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE TWO PIECES OF LAND AND ACTED AS A BUFFER BETWEEN THEM). SO WE WALK OUT THERE AND SORT OF LOOK IN AWE AT THE FADED BASKETBALL COURT AND OTHER DISTRACTIONS THE BIGGER KIDS HAVE DURING THEIR RECESS. THE SUN IS SHINING BRIGHTLY AND THERE'S JUST THIS ENORMOUS SENSE OF HAPPINESS FLOATING AROUND THE PLAYGROUND AND KYLE'S STILL WALKING HIS BIKE TO THE STARTING LINE. WE SEE A LOT MORE DESKS THAN USUAL, AND ASSUME THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF CRAWLING GOING ON BEFORE WE GET AROUND TO OUR SIDE OF PLAYGROUND.

THEN MRS. MENEZOS MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT AND SAYS THAT THE REASON THERE ARE SO MANY DESKS IS BECAUSE EACH GROUP OF DESKS IS A "STATION" AND AT EACH STATION WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SOLVE AN EQUATION OR ANSWER A RIDDLE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND THEN ALL THESE TEACHERS WALK OUT OF THE SCHOOL AND EACH MAN ONE OF THESE "STATIONS"!

EVERYONE'S KIND OF UNCERTAIN ABOUT HOW THIS WILL AFFECT THE JOCULARITY OF THE DAY, BUT KYLE'S FACE JUST FALLS. NO DOUBT HE HAD THESE GRAND VISIONS OF HIM SPEEDING AROUND THE SCHOOL IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, AND NOW HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO STOP AT EVERY ONE OF THESE STATIONS AND DO SOME HORSESHIT ASSIGNMENT. HE'S BUMMED.

MRS. MENEZOS LINES US ALL UP AND GIVES A HEARTY "ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!!!" AND WE ALL SCRAMBLE OFF TO THE FIRST STATION ON FOOT, AND THE GIRLS DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO USE THEIR BIKES ON ACCOUNT OF THE SHORT DISTANCE AND RUN ALONG WITH THE REST OF US. KYLE PRODUCES A BIKE HELMET FROM SOMEWHERE AND STEPS ON HIS BIKE, AND THEN WHAT I CAN BEST DESCRIBE AS A SORT OF MILD EXPLOSION TAKES PLACE AND MAKES EVERYBODY TURN AROUND. I MOSTLY RECALL KYLE'S BRILLIANT DIAMOND-BIKE TAKING AN IMMEDIATE SPILL ONTO THE DIRT, BUT I REMEMBER MATT RECALLING THAT IT LOOKED MORE LIKE SOMEONE HAD JUST THROWN A COUPLE OF DECKS OF CARDS INTO THE AIR, AND JEFF RECALLING THAT HE HEARD A NOISE AND THEN WATCHED DOZENS OF LEGOS AND THOSE PLASTIC BEADS ROLLS DOWN THE SMALL INCLINE AND ONTO THE ROAD. BASICALLY EVERYONE LATER AGREED THAT KYLE JUST HAD WAY TOO MUCH SHIT ON HIS BIKE, AND SOMEHOW OR OTHER EVERYTHING SIMULTANEOUSLY POPPED OFF OR SHOT OFF HIS BIKE AS SOON AS HE TRIED TO PUT THE MODIFIED VEHICLE INTO ACTION.

KYLE, UNDAUNTED, AND MISSING MOST OF HIS BEADS, HOCKEY CARDS, AND A FLASHLIGHT THAT HE MUST HAVE TAPED TO THE TIRE OR SOMETHING, GETS BACK UP AND STARTS PEDALLING FURIOUSLY FOR ABOUT TWO SECONDS WHEN HE REACHES THE FIRST STATION. AT THIS POINT HE TRIES TO DISMOUNT AND TAKES ANOTHER SPILL AND THE SCREWDRIVER FALLS OFF AND ONE OF THE STREAMERS ON HIS HANDLEBARS FALLS OFF AND HE'S LEAVING A WHOLE WAKE OF TOYS BEHIND HIM. HIS HELMET'S OFF TO THE SIDE AND HE LOOKS CONFUSED.

THE FIRST STATION INVOLVED US MAKING A 3D HEXAGON OUT OF MARSHMALLOWS AND TOOTHPICKS, WHICH MEANS AT THIS POINT MOST OF THE CLASS WERE RUNNING TOWARDS THE SECOND STATION AND TRYING TO SWALLOW ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS WE STUFFED IN OUR MOUTHS. KYLE EVENTUALLY SORTS THE CHALLENGE OUT AND GETS BACK ON HIS BIKE AND TAKES A FEW MORE SPILLS AND EVENTUALLY GETS TO STATION 2. AT THIS POINT WE'RE ROUNDING STATION 4 AND SO ON AND SO ON AND IT BECOMES PRETTY APPARENT THAT THERE'S NO WAY KYLE'S GOING TO WIN THE RACE. EVENTUALLY HE REALIZES THIS AND THROWS HIS BIKE ON THE GROUND AND STARTS KICKING IT AND STARTS PICKING UP ALL HIS TOYS AND STUFF AND TEARFULLY/VENGEFULLY ANNOUCES THAT HE'S QUIT.

THIS IS WHERE MRS. MENEZOS SHOWED A MEAN STREAK IN HER THAT WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT PRIOR. SHE TELLS KYLE THAT IF HE QUITS HE'S NOT GOING TO GET THE PRIZE THAT WILL BE GIVEN OUT TO EVERYONE WHO FINISHES THE RACE, AND KYLE MULLS IT OVER FOR A WHILE AND SHE KEEPS SORT OF COAXING HIM INTO GETTING BACK ON HIS BIKE AND FINALLY HE GIVES IN TO HER WHEEDLING. SO KYLE MAKES A LITTLE PILE FOR HIS TOYS AND OTHER LOST POSSESSIONS AND GETS BACK ON THE BIKE AND PAINFULLY BEGINS FINISHING THE RACE. IT TAKES HIM ABOUT HALF AN HOUR LONGER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, MOSTLY BECAUSE HE'S DOING THE STATIONS BY HIMSELF. THE REST OF US PRETTY MUCH STAYED IN A GROUP AND THE SECOND SOMEONE PROPERLY FINISHED A STATION, EVERYONE COPIED HIS/HER ANSWER AND FINISHED AT THE SAME TIME. KYLE HAD TO DO IT ALL ON HIS OWN, BUT EVENTUALLY MADE IT THROUGH TO THE LAST STATION. AT THIS POINT WE WERE PRETTY MUCH ALL SITTING DOWN IN THE SUNSHINE ENJOYING THE POPSICLES THAT WERE INVARIABLY HANDED OUT AT THE END OF A SCHOOL EVENT, AND READING EACH OTHER THE JOKES ON THE POPSICLE STICKS. KYLE HAD THOROUGHLY ENTERTAINED EVERYBODY WITH HIS SHORT TEMPER AND PREDISPOSITION FOR CRYING, AND WE ALL IMMENSELY ENJOYED WATCHING HIM TEAR UP THE FIELD FOR THE LAST LITTLE WHILE. ONCE HE FINALLY REJOINS THE REST OF US HE SITS DOWN HEAVILY ON THE PICNIC TABLE, SNATCHES A POPSICLE OUT OF MRS. MENEZOS' HAND, AND DEMANDS THAT HE BE GIVEN A PRIZE. MRS. MENEZOS, WITH A TWINKLE IN HER EYE I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE, PRODUCES A LARGE PLASTIC BAG AND HANDS OUT TO EVERYBODY A LITTLE BELL FOR OUR BICYCLES WITH A BIG SMILE ON HER FACE.