CATFISH VS PEANUTS

ALRIGHT SO MY DAD, MY SISTER AND I WENT CAMPING ALONG WITH ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS, AND ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS DECIDED TO BRING ALONG ONE OF HIS ACQUAINTANCES, WHO DECIDED TO BRING HIS SON. IT WAS ALL KIND OF LAST MINUTE AND THERE WASN'T ANY UPSHOT TO IT AT ALL - MY SISTER AND I NOW HAD THIS STRANGE THIRD PARTY TAGGING ALONG. THE KID'S NAME ESCAPES ME BUT I REMEMBER IT BEING AN UNFAMILIAR FRENCH NAME, LIKE TONQUESS OR RATATFOU. WE'LL JUST CALL HIM LUCERNE FOR NOW. LUCERNE'S DAD, WHO'S NAME WAS MIQUEL, WAS A REALLY STRANGE MAN WHO RIGHT OFF THE BAT DISPLAYED SIGNS OF OCD AND WAS FOREVER WASHING HIS HANDS WITH ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP AND USING KLEENEXES TO TOUCH EVERYTHING AND GENERALLY SHOWING ACUTE WHAT-ABOUT-BOB SYNDROME.

ANYWAY WE ARRIVED AT THE CAMPSITE AND SPENT TWO DAYS FISHING AND LOUNGING AROUND. MIQUEL AND LUCERNE ARE DEFINITELY NOT BUILT FOR THE OUTDOORS AT ALL AND THEIR CONSTANT BITCHING IS MAKING THINGS INCREASINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE. THEY DON'T LEAVE THE TENT MUCH, THEY DON'T WANT TO GO FISHING, THEY DON'T WANT TO GO HIKING, AND MIQUEL IN PARTICULAR GETS REALLY UNHAPPY WHEN MEALTIME COMES AROUND. HIS COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOUR IS TOTALLY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM OUT HERE IN THE WILD AND AROUND DAY THREE HE FINALLY DISCARDS HIS RETICENCE AND BEGINS TO ADMINISTER THESE LITTLE ADMONISHMENTS HERE AND THERE. THE GROWN-UPS ARE ALL TAKING IT WITH COMMENDABLE POLITENESS, BUT IT'S KIND OF SCARY FOR A LITTLE KID TO GET 'WARNINGS' FROM AN ADULT HE/SHE BARELY KNOWS. LUCERNE SEEMS IMMUNE TO MIQUEL'S UNFAVORABLE COUNSEL AND AS A RESULT HE'S ALSO BECOMING A LITTLE MORE BRASH AND STARTS TURNING INTO A TOTAL TWIT, ENDING A LOT OF OUR PETTY DISAGREEMENTS WITH 'MIQUEL (HE ALWAYS REFERRED TO HIS FATHER IN THE THIRD PERSON) WILL TELL YOU YOU'RE WRONG' IN HIS HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT.

THE CAMPING TRIP IS FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS AND I NOTICE MY FAMILY AS WELL AS THE NEIGHBORS ARE STARTING TO GIVE MIQUEL AND LUCERNE A WIDER BERTH THAN BEFORE, AND MIQUEL SEEMS TO BE INTERPRETING IT AS SUPPLICATION OR SOMETHING BECAUSE HE STARTS BECOMING LOUDER AND LOUDER WITH HIS COMPLAINTS. THE STORM BREAKS ON THE FOURTH NIGHT AROUND DINNERTIME. LUCERN AND MIQUEL HAVE ALTOGETHER STOPPED EATING THE HAMBURGERS AND HOTDOGS THAT THE REST OF US BROUGHT, AND HAVE INSTEAD TAKEN TO EATING THEIR SCANTY RESERVES OF CANNED FOOD. I SHOULD MENTIONED THAT BOTH OF THEM CAME HORRIBLY UNEQUIPPED AND HAD TO CONSTANTLY USE OUR STUFF, USUALLY REPRIMANDING US ABOUT OUR LACK OF TIDYNESS OR WHATEVER AFTERWARDS.

SO ANYWAY AROUND NIGHT FOUR THE 'RESERVES' OF MIQUEL AND LUCERNE ARE RUNNING BONE-DRY AND SINCE NEITHER OF THEM CAN DRIVE AND WE DON'T WANT TO DRIVE THEM HOURS BACK TO THE GROCERY STORE WHEN THERE'S AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF FOOD HERE, THEY HAVE TO PARTAKE IN OUR MEAL. MIQUEL IS HANDLING HOTDOGS LIKE THEY MIGHT STAIN HIS SKIN AND LUCERNE IS GIVING THESE DISDAINFUL LOOKS AT EVERYTHING AROUND HIM AND THE REST OF US ARE ALL SILENTLY GLOATING A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE IT'S NICE TO WATCH THEM BE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR A CHANGE.

ANYWAY AT ONE POINT MIQUEL JUST SNAPS AND YELLS OUT, "THAT EES EET! DON'T YOU HAVE ANYT'ING HERE DAT YOU GUYS 'AVEN'T TOUCHED?!" AND LITTLE LUCERNE CHIMES IN WITH A "YEAH GUYS", STARING AT MY SISTER AND I WITH GREAT DISPLEASURE. MIQUEL, UNABASHED, CONTINUES ON ABOUT THE UNSANITARY PRACTICES HE HAS WITNESSED HERE IN THE CAMPSITE WHILE MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS LOOK OFFENDED AND PLEASED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. MIQUEL FINISHES HIS RAMBLE WITH A PARTING SHOT AT HOW HE IS COMPLETELY DISGUSTED WITH HOW WE WASH OUR DISHES IN THE RIVER NEARBY, AND THEN STORMS OFF TO HIS SHITTY LITTLE ONE-MAN TENT THAT HE'S SHARING WITH LUCERNE. LUCERNE ECHOES HIS FATHER'S LAMENTS AND TRAILS OFF AFTER HIM. THAT'S THE LAST WE SEE OF THEM FOR THE NIGHT.

WE STAY UP AND I HAVE A VAGUE RECOLLECTION OF MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS TALKING QUIETLY AND LAUGHING GENTLY. EVEN AT MY AGE I REALIZE THAT WE SORT OF HAVE MIQUEL AND LUCERNE AGAINST THE ROPES - THERE'S STILL A FEW DAYS OF CAMPING LEFT AND THEY BASICALLY HAVE TO EAT OUR FOOD.

THE NEXT DAY AT BREAKFAST WE WAKE UP TO FIND MIQUEL HAS HOARDED THE LAST DOZEN OR SO EGGS AND IS CAREFULLY FRYING UP ONE OF THEM, WHICH HE THEN CUTS IN HALF. HE GIVES THE SMALLER PORTION TO LUCERNE, WE ALL SMILE INWARDLY AT HIS NEW PLAN AND GO ABOUT OUR BUSINESS. LUNCH ROLLS AROUND AND WE ALL GET OUT A BIG SPREAD OF FOOD. AMONG THE ITEMS PRODUCED IS A BRAND NEW JAR OF PEANUTS WHICH ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS HAD HIDDEN AWAY SOMEWHERE. WHEN THIS JAR OF PEANUTES COMES OUT MIQUEL NEARLY SHITS HIS PANTS AND DOES AN EXTREME DOUBLE-TAKE AND STARTS MUMBLING TO HIMSELF. HE AND LUCERNE MAYT HAVE SORT OF HOLED THEMSELVES UP IN THEIR TENT WITH THEIR EGGS, BUT THIS SEALED JAR OF PEANUTS HAS REALLY CAUGHT THEIR ATTENTION.

MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS, OF COURSE, NOTICE MIQUEL'S UNUSUAL BEHAVIOUR AND CORRECTLY ATTRIBUTE IT TO THE JAR OF PEANUTS, AND THEN I GUESS SOME INNER DEMON COLLECTIVELY SPURS THEM ALL TO LEAVE THE JAR UNOPEN THROUGHOUT THE MEAL AND RETURN IT BACK TO THE NEIGHBOR'S TENT. MIQUEL NEVER ONCE TAKES HIS GAZE OFF THE PEANUTS. THEN WE GO OFF SWIMMING AND ENJOY OUR AFTERNOON.

THE SUN STARTS SETTING AND WE PREP OUR EVENING MEAL. ONCE AGAIN THE PEANUTS MAKE AN APPEARANCE. ONCE AGAIN MIQUEL NURSES HIS LITTLE CLUTCH OF EGGS. LUCERNE HAS LOST A LOT OF HIS BUOYANCY AND LOOKS LONGINGLY AT OUR HAMBURGERS. ONCE AGAIN MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS RETURN THE JAR OF PEANUTS TO THE TENT, STILL UNOPENED, AFTER THE MEAL.

THE NEXT DAY THIS FOLLOWS SUIT FOR BREAKFAST AND LUNCH. MIQUEL LOOKS HALF-INSANE. AFTER LUNCH I'M CONVINCED HE'S GOING TO MAKE A RAID ON THESE PEANUTS WHILE WE'RE OUT SWIMMING OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAY WE DECIDE TO GO FISHING AFTER GETTING A TIP FROM ANOTHER CAMPER WHO HAS CAUGHT SOME GIANT CATFISH NEARBY. OUR NEIGHBORS TELL US THEY SOMETIMES COOK CATFISH AND THAT IT CAN BE A DELICIOUS MEAL, WHICH PIQUES MY INTEREST. SO WE HEAD OUT TO THE SPOT AND START CASTING OUR LINES. THE AFTERNOON PASSES PLEASANTLY ENOUGH, ALTHOUGH NOBODY HAS CAUGHT ANYTHING AND THE HOOKS ARE GETTING CAUGHT IN THE ROCKS AS WE DRAG THEM. TWILIGHT ARRIVES AND EVERYONE DECIDES TO HEAD BACK FOR FOOD, EXCEPT FOR ME. I AM DETERMINED TO CATCH A GIANT CATFISH AND PROVIDE FOOD FOR THE GROUP AND GENERALLY BE REGARDED AS A HERO AMONG ALL.

IT'S NOW DARK OUT AND I CAN SEE THE CAMPFIRE UP ON THE HILL AND I CAN HEAR VOICES AND COOKING NOISES. THE SMELL OF HOTDOGS ONCE AGAIN WAFTS DOWN TO WHERE I AM. I'M STILL TROLLING THE RIVER AND GETTING READY TO PACK IT IN. SUDDENLY I HEAR MY DAD'S VOICE, WITH A HINT OF AMUSEMENT IN IT, "WELL I GUESS WE SHOULD OPEN THESE PEANUTS" WHICH IS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY A LOUD SQUEAL AND THEN MIQUEL YELLING FRANTICALLY, "ME!!! ME!!! LET ME OPEN THE PEANUTS!!! I WILL OPEN THE PEANUTS!!" WHICH IS THEN FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER.

AT THIS MOMENT MY ROD IS PRACTICALLY YANKED OUT OF MY HANDS AND I HAVE TO FOCUS ON MY LINE. I'VE CAUGHT A FISH, AND IT FEELS HUGE. I REEL IN AS PATIENTLY AS I CAN, REMEMBERING THAT YOU CAN SNAP THE LINE IF YOU JERK IT OR REEL IT IN TOO QUICKLY. AT ONE POINT I'M ALMOST PULLED INTO THE WATER AND I LEAN BACK AND TRY NOT TO START SHOUTING OUT FOR HELP. A FEW MINUTES OF DARKNESS PASS WHERE THE MAGNIFICENT STRUGGLE BETWEEN ME AND THE FISH IS COMPLETELY UNKNOWN TO THE ENTIRE WORLD, AND THEN I LIFT UP MY ROD AND OUT COMES A GIANT FUCKING CATFISH. THIS THING IS ABOUT A FOOT AND A HALF LONG, MAYBE TWO FEET, WHICH IS JUST AN OUTSTANDING SIZE TO A CHILD. I HAVE CAUGHT THE MOBY DICK OF CATFISH. I GRAB IT BY THE GILLS AND DON'T EVEN FEEL THOSE SHARP WHISKER-THINGIES SCRAPE AGAINST MY HANDS. I SHOUT OUT AS LOUD AS I CAN AND BEGIN RUNNING UP THE HILL HOLDING THIS GIANT FISH. THE HOOK IS STILL ATTACHED TO IT AND THE ROD IS BEING DRAGGED SOME 10 FEET BEHIND ME, THE REEL SPINNING MADLY.

MY YELLING BRINGS ALL THE NEIGHBORS TO THE CREST OF THE HILL, EXCEPT FOR MIQUEL, WHO I ASSUME IS EATING PEANUTS AND EGGS WITH LUCERNE, AND THEY WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS I EXPLODE INTO SIGHT CARRYING THIS ENORMOUS FISH! WHAT A GODDAMNED HERO I AM!!

MY DAD IS ALL SMILES AND THE-APPLE-DOESN'T-FALL-FAR-FROM-THE-TREE'ISH AND THE NEIGHBORS ARE REALLY IMPRESSED AND THE NIGHT HAS TURNED INTO A JOYOUS CELEBRATION AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. PEANUTS ARE THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND WHEN I LOOK OVER AT THE TABLE AND SEE THE OPENED JAR. THEN, FOR SOME REASON I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DETERMINE SINCE, I SUDDENLY HAVE A LONGING FOR PEANUTS. MIQUEL IS NEAR THE TENT, PRESUMABLY SPOONFEEDING PEANUTS TO HIS SON. I DROP THE CATFISH AND YELL OUT SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF, "OH BOY! PEANUTS!" AND MAKE MY WAY OUT TO THE TABLE. MIQUEL LOOKS AT ME WITH A LOOK OF UNMITIGATED HORROR AND SCREAMS OUT SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T SOUND ENGLISH AT ALL. HE JUMPS UP LIKE HE'S BEEN ELECTROCUTED AND STARTS GALLOPING TOWARDS THE TABLE. I CLOSE IN BEFORE HE DOES AND POUR A BIG HANDFUL OF PEANUTS INTO MY LITTLE HAND AND STUFF THEM INTO MY FACE. MIQUEL MAKES A FINAL LUNGE AND MAKES A GRAB FOR THE JAR. HE FALLS SHORT BY A FEW FEET AND LANDS ON ONE KNEE. HE'S PANTING HEAVILY AND STANDS UP STRAIGHT.

"YOU ATE DE PEANUTS!!!!" HE SCREAMS OUT. "DE PEANUTS!! YOU ATE THEM!! LOOK AT YOUR HANDS!!!!!". I LOOK AT MY HANDS WHICH DON'T REALLY LOOK TOO BAD EXCEPT THAT THEY'RE A BIT DIRTY, AND SMELL LIKE FISH.

"AND YOU.. AND YOU..." MIQUEL TRAILS OFF AND TRIES TO FIND SOME SUITABLE WORDING FOR ME. "WELL NOW YOU HAVE TO.. YOU MUST...," HE STRUGGLES, "YOU... MUST.. EAT.. ALL.. OF DE PEANUTS!!!!"

WHILE I'VE NO DOUBT THAT HE MEANT FOR THESE WORDS TO INDUCE TERROR INTO MY VERY SOUL, ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS THAT MY LITTLE BABY SISTER GIGGLED HOPELESSLY AND LUCERNE STARTED TO CRY. I TURNED AND LOOKED AT MY DAD WITH A WORRIED EXPRESSION BUT WAS RELIEVED TO SEE HE WAS ALSO SMILING. THE NEIGHBORS WERE ALREADY BEGINNING TO PREPARE THE CATFISH. NOBODY PAID MIKE THE SLIGHTEST ATTENTION TO MIQUEL. HE RETIRED TO HIS TENT WITH HIS WAILING PROGENY AND FOR THE NEXT HOUR OR SO WE HAPPILY BUSIED OURSELVES WITH THE CATFISH AMID THE MUFFLED SOBBING COMING FROM THE TENT. I RECALL AT ONE POINT I FELT LIKE THE SOBS HAD DOUBLED IN STRENGTH, BUT THAT COULD BE FANCIFUL IMAGINATION.