LEMONADE STAND

ALRIGHT SO ONE BRIGHT SUMMER MORNING KYLE AND I DECIDE TO OPEN UP A LEMONADE STAND. WE DRAG THIS GIANT COOLER OUT OF MY BASEMENT AND RANSACK OUR FRIDGES FOR LEMONS AND SUGAR, AND WE GET THIS GIANT PITCHER AND A BUNCH OF ICE, AND THEN WE TREK OUTSIDE TO THE CORNER OF MY STREET TO SET UP SHOP.

"SHOP" BASICALLY INVOLVES THIS TERRIBLY UNSAFE, RATTY STRUCTURE KYLE AND I HAD BUILT FROM THE REMAINS OF A ROTTEN FENCE. ORIGINALLY WE HAD MEANT TO BUILD A CLUBHOUSE BUT WE QUICKLY RAN OUT OF WOOD AND WE ENDED UP WITH WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SORT OF STAND. REALIZING THIS, WE QUICKLY TURNED IT INTO A STAND, WHICH IS WHERE THE LEMONADE SELLING PLANS CAME INTO PLAY.

SO ANYWAY WE'VE TRUCKED OUT OUR STUPID 'STAND' AND PROP IT AGAINST THE COOLER AND ANNOUNCE WE'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS. IT'S LIKE 8:00AM ON A SATURDAY MORNING AND WE'RE MISSING ALL THE GOOD CARTOONS FOR THIS. AND NOBODY'S EVEN AWAKE YET.

OF COURSE OUR FIRST COUPLE OF 'CUSTOMERS' ARE OUR PARENTS. THEY ACT ALL AMUSED AND PATRONIZE US FOR A WHILE, 'HAGGLING' WITH OUR PRICES, ETC. I DEFINITELY REMEMBER OUR PRICE FOR A GLASS OF LEMONADE BEING 5 CENTS, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, EVEN BACK IN THE 80s. ANYWAY SO WE POCKET A FEW QUARTERS FROM OUR PARENTS AND ARE PRETTY PLEASED WITH OURSELVES. KYLE'S DAD BRINGS US SOME MORE LEMONS BECAUSE WE'RE OBVIOUSLY SQUEEZING THEM BY HAND AND GETTING LEMON JUICE EVERYWHERE AND IT'S TAKING LIKE 4 LEMONS JUST TO MAKE ONE GLASS.

THEN THINGS SORT OF SLOW DOWN FOR ABOUT 40 MINUTES, AND WE ALMOST MAKE A SALE TO AN UNUSUALLY SUSPICIOUS OLD MAN WALKING HIS DOG. HE ACTUALLY DECIDES TO PASS ON A GLASS OF LEMONADE FROM SOME CHILDREN OPERATING A STAND, AFTER GRILLING US FOR ABOUT OUR PRACTICES FOR NEARLY TEN MINUTES. UNREAL. WE'RE GETTING DEJECTED.

ANYWAY AFTER SOME SERIOUS TALKS, WE DECIDE WE NEED A GREATER VARIETY OF GOODS TO SELL, SO KYLE RUNS HOME AND RETURNS WITH A BOX FULL OF LARGER GLASSES, A LOAF OF BREAD, AND HIS STUPID PLASTIC BUBBLEGUM MACHINE WHICH IS FILLED WITH BUBBLEGUM.

NOW WE'VE GOT A REALLY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS RUNNING - CUSTOMERS HAVE TO DRINK THEIR LEMONADE AT OUR STAND BECAUSE WE CAN'T GIVE AWAY THE GLASSES, WE'RE RUNNING BACK HOME EVERY 20 MINUTES TO WASH THEM, KYLE'S OFFERING A FREE SLICE OF BREAD WITH PURCHASE OF LEMONADE IN SOME SORT OF BIZARRE MARKETING INCENTIVE, AND WE'RE SELLING BUBBLEGUM FOR 5 CENTS AS WELL. HOWEVER WE ARE ACTUALLY GETTING MORE BUSINESS, AS BEMUSED ADULTS WANDER BY OUR LITTLE STAND AND SMILE AT THE CARNIVAL OF INDUSTRY WE'VE CREATED.

SPURRED BY THE SUCCESS, KYLE AND I RUN BACK HOME AND GRAB MORE GLASSES, AND MORE BREAD, AND OTHER RANDOM THINGS WE CAN FIND IN OUR KITCHEN. KYLE HAS LADEN HIS LITTLE WAGON WITH CONDIMENTS AND HAS THAT NEXT TO THE STAND, IN CASE ANYONE WANTS SOME KETCHUP OR VINEGAR WITH THEIR LEMONADE OR BREAD. I AM PUTTING JELLO POWDER IN THE LEMONADE. THINGS ARE GOING BRILLIANTLY.

THEN WE HIT A SMALL SNAG - WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF GUM (WHICH IS SELLING WELL) AND KYLE WANTS THE REST FOR HIMSELF. SO WE DECIDE TO DO A RAFFLE. KYLE RUNS AND MAKES 'TICKETS' AND I MAKE A SIGN STATING THAT ANYONE GUESSING THE CORRECT AMOUNT OF GUM BALLS IN THE MACHINE WILL WIN A FREE LEMONADE. TICKETS ARE 25 CENTS, 5 TIMES THE PRICE OF A LEMONADE.

MORE CUSTOMERS ARE COMING IN AND KYLE AND I HAVE PROBABLY MADE AT LEAST A DOLLAR AT THIS POINT. SEVERAL CUSTOMERS ASK US WHEN THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED FOR THE GUMBALL RAFFLE, WITH A HINT OF A SMILE, AND KYLE AND I REALIZE WE HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT THIS ONE THROUGH. "LATER", WE REPLY. "LATER - JUST STOP BY LATER AND WE'LL TELL YOU IF YOU'VE WON."

KYLE NOW HAS ANOTHER STROKE OF GENIUS AND RUNS HOME AND DONS HIS CUB SCOUT UNIFORM. MINE IS UNFORTUNATELY AT MY GRANDPARENTS PLACE (ANOTHER STORY), AND I SERIOUSLY FEEL REALLY LEFT OUT BECAUSE KYLE HAS HIS SCOUT UNIFORM ON AND I'M IN MY NINJA TURTLE SHORTS AND RED TSHIRT WITH A PICTURE OF FRENCH FRIES ON THE FRONT. NONETHELESS, WE ARE NOW SCOUTS SELLING LEMONADE AND HAVE A RENEWED SENSE OF WELL-BEING AND PURPOSE IN OUR LEMONADE-SELLING BUSINESS.

TIME PASSES AND BUSINESS SLOWS DOWN. LUNCHTIME COMES AND AS THERE HAVE BEEN NO CUSTOMERS FOR AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR, KYLE AND I HUNKER DOWN INTO OUR STORES AND EAT ALL THE BREAD, AND ALL THE GUM, AND FINISH OFF THE LAST OF THE LEMONADE. IT IS DELICIOUS.

SHORTLY THEREAFTER, SOME GODDAMNED JERK-ADULT COMES WALTZING UP THE STREET WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE. HE'S HOLDING HIS RAFFLE TICKET AND IS CLEARLY BACK TO TEASE THE CHILDREN SOME MORE.

"ANNOUNCED THE WINNER, YET?" HE SAYS, ALL SMILES. KYLE AND I STARE AT EACH OTHER IN HORROR, AS THERE IS NO MORE LEMONADE. OR GUMBALLS. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN COUNT THEM.

I STALL. "YES, BUT THE ANSWER IS WRITTEN AT HOME - KYLE WILL GET IT." THEN I HISS AT KYLE TO RUN HOME, WRITE DOWN A NUMBER - ANY NUMBER - ON A PIECE OF PAPER, AND GRAB A BUNCH OF LEMONS"

KYLE RUNS OFF AND I AWKWARDLY TRY TO FORM SOME SORT OF CONVERSATION WITH THE ADULT, TELLING HIM ABOUT HOW GOOD BUSINESS IS, AND HOW I THINK THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER LEMONADE STAND A FEW BLOCKS OVER (I WANT HIM TO GO). HE'S MAKING ALL THESE DUMB JOKES ABOUT HOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PAY TAXES, ETC ETC, WHEN I SPOT KYLE, RUNNING BACK TO ME EMPTY HANDED AND LOOKING SCARED.

KYLE GETS BACK, AND PAYS NO ATTENTION TO OUR CUSTOMER. "DAVE!!!" HE HISSES IN A VERY AUDIBLE TONE, "THERE AREN'T ANY LEMONS LEFT!!! WE'RE OUT OF LEMONS!!!!"

AT THIS THE ADULT GIVES US A BIG BENEVOLENT GRIN AND IS CLEARLY HAVING A GOOD TIME. KYLE LOOKS AT HIM IN UTTER HORROR, AND THEN TURNS TO HIS RIGHT TO SEE ANOTHER ADULT WALKING UP THE STREET, HOLDING ANOTHER RAFFLE TICKET HIGH UP IN THE AIR.

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR KYLE. WE'RE BOTH PRETTY SCARED THAT WE'VE PROMISED SOMEONE A FREE LEMONADE AND DON'T HAVE ANY LEMONS LEFT, BUT KYLE JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT. HE TAKES ONE MORE WILD GLANCE AT THE ADULT IN FRONT OF HIM, AND AT THE ONE MOSEYING UP THE DRIVE, AND THEN YELLS "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" AT ME, AND TEARS DOWN THE STREET IN HIS CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.

BARELY A SECOND GOES BY WHEN I SEE KYLE'S STEP-MOM DRIVE AROUND THE CORNER. SHE'S CLEARLY GONE TO DO SOME ERRANDS OR SOMETHING, AND SEES KYLE RUNNING. SHE DRIVES PAST ME, THE LEMONADE STAND, AND THE ADULTS, AND STOPS BY KYLE AND MAKES HIM GET IN THE CAR. AND THEN, AND THIS IS THE BEST PART, SHE TAKES HIM ALL THE WAY TO CUB SCOUTS BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING HIS UNIFORM AND SHE THOUGHT HE WAS LYING WHEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T HAVE A MEETING!!!!!

MEANWHILE, I'M STILL BACK AT THE STAND, AND I MAKE AMENDS SOMEHOW BY SAYING THE RAFFLE IS EXTENDED UNTIL TOMORROW, AND TEAR OUT OF THERE LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL. KYLE EVENTUALLY RETURNED HOME WITH HIS EXTREMELY ANGRY STEP-MOM, AND WE BROUGHT IN THE STAND. ALL TOLD, WE HAD USED NEARLY 30 LEMONS (MY PARENTS HAD ACTUALLY GONE TO THE GROCERY STORE TO BUY SOME MORE FOR US), AND BROUGHT IN ABOUT $1.50.

GOOD TIMES IN AYLMER!!!!