PAMELA

MAN SO IN GRADE 1 I HAD MY FIRST 'CRUSH' ON THIS GIRL NAMED PAMELA WHO WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL. SHE WAS IN MY GYM CLASS AND WE USE TO START OFF GYM WITH OUR IDIOT TEACHER MR. BILEN PUTTING IN SOME 80S JAM IN THE TAPEDECK AND THEN WE'D ALL RUN LAPS TO 'GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, GET INTO MY CAR!!' OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY PAMELA WOULD ALWAYS LAP THE REST OF THE CLASS WITHIN MINUTES. CHRIST SHE WAS FAST.

ANYWAY ONE DAY AT LUNCH IN THE PLAYGROUND I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DID SOMETHING SUPER NICE FOR HER OR I HELPED HER UP WHEN SHE FELL OR SOMETHING, BUT ANYWAY SHE DECIDED TO 'REWARD' ME BY TELLING ME ON MONDAY WE COULD HOLD HANDS WHILE WE RAN LAPS AROUND THE GYM. IT WAS LIKE TUESDAY AT THIS POINT.

SO EVERY DAY THAT WEEK AFTER SCHOOL I WOULD GO HOME AND RUN LAPS AROUND MY HOUSE, TRYING TO GET FASTER. I WAS SO WORRIED THAT SHE WOULD BE DRAGGING ME BEHIND HER IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS AT GYM. I THINK ACTUALLY DID GET FASTER, BUT I WAS STILL WORRIED. SUNDAY NIGHT FOUND ME IN MY ROOM CRYING BECAUSE I STILL DIDN'T THINK I WAS FAST ENOUGH AND WAS SERIOUSLY TERRIFIED AND DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

NEXT DAY AT GYM PAMELA SINGLES ME OUT RIGHT AWAY AND TELLS ME TO HOLD HER HAND. WE'RE ALL STANDING AROUND AT THIS POINT AND MR. BILEN PUTS IN THE FLAVOR OF THE WEEK AND WE ALL START RUNNING. INSTANTLY I FEEL MYSELF GETTING YANKED FORWARD BY PAMELA WHO IS MOVING LIKE A GODDAMNED BULLET AND SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!! FASTER!!' AND SHE'S STRINGING ME ALL AROUND THE GODDAMNED GYM AND IT'S JUST LIKE MY NIGHTMARES.

ANYWAY EVERYTIME SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!!' I ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO SOMEHOW RUN 'HARDER' AND IT'S TOTALLY WORKING. BY LIKE THE 8TH OR 9TH TIME SHE'S YELLED OUT 'FASTER!!' I'M ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HER AND I FEEL LIKE GODDAMNED HERMES HIMSELF AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'FASTER!!' AND I ACTUALLY START BEATING HER. AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'OKAY THAT'S TOO FAST!' AND I REMEMBER THE WHOLE CLASS IS JUST STARING AT ME IN TOTAL DISBELIEF AND EVEN MR. BILEN SEEMS TO HAVE LOST SOME OF HIS COLOR AND FOR THE REST OF ELEMENTARY I WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL.