TREASURE HUNT

ALRIGHT SO LIKE THIS ONE BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY MORNING I DECIDE TO CREATE THIS ELABORATE 'TREASURE HUNT' FOR KYLE. I THINK THIS WAS GRADE 4 BECAUSE I REMEMBER AROUND THE SAME TIME WE GOT TO DISSECT OWL PELLETS (OWL PUKE) IN CLASS BECAUSE WE HAD AN AWESOME TEACHER AND I DISCOVERED AN ENTIRE RAT SKELETON IN MY OWL PELLET. SO ANYWAY I'M ABOUT 9.

SO I'M UP BRIGHT AND EARLY AND HAVE FOREGONE THE USUAL SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS TO PLAN MY TREASURE HUNT. I GRAB A BUNCH OF JELLYBEANS FROM THE KITCHEN AND PUT THEM IN A MASON JAR AND BURY THE JAR IN THE GROUND AT THE VERY END OF OUR STREET, UNDER A BUNCH OF TIGER LILLIES.

THEN I GRAB A PAD OF PAPER AND START WRITING THESE LITTLE RIDICULOUS 'CLUES'. EACH CLUE BASICALLY JUST SAYS SOMETHING LIKE "THE NEXT CLUE IS IN A BIRD'S NEST IN A TREE BY THE DRIVEWAY" AND "THE NEXT CLUE IS UNDER A BIG ROCK BY THE RIVER" AND STUFF LIKE THAT. I SERIOUSLY MUST HAVE MADE ABOUT 150 OF THESE 'CLUES', AND THEN I WORKED BACKWARDS FROM THE CANDY TO PLANT THEM ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD. BY LUNCHTIME I HAD THEM ALL HIDDEN WITH THE FIRST 'CLUE' IN KYLE'S MAILBOX.

SO I GO OVER TO KYLE'S, EAGER FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT TO START. I ASK KYLE IF HE'S CHECKED HIS MAIL YET, WHICH ALONE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THE GAME AWAY BECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING A KID NEVER ASKS ANOTHER KID. HOWEVER KYLE'S A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, AND HE SEEMS TO THINK MY QUESTION IS AN ACCEPTABLE ONE AND WE AGREEABLY WALK DOWN HIS DRIVEWAY TO THE MAILBOX.

KYLE FINDS THE FIRST CLUE AND JUST FUCKING ERUPTS. "DAVE!!! DAVE!!!" HE YELLS AT ME. I HAVE COYLY STAYED A FEW FEET AWAY AND AM GUILELESSLY KICKING AT THE GRASS PRETENDING TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS. "DAVE!! DAVE!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!"

SO I WALK OVER AT AN INTENTIONALLY SLOW PACE AND WATCH WITH PLEASURE AS KYLE JUMPS AROUND ALL OVER THE GODDAMNED PLACE. "IT'S GOT TO BE TREASURE!! IT'S GOT TO BE TREASURE!! JUST LIKE THAT BOOK WE'RE READING IN CLASS!!!"

"WHAT DOES IT SAY, KYLE!!" I ASK INNOCENTLY AND HE STUTTERS OVER THE FIRST CLUE. "GO TO THE.. WE GOT TO GO TO THE... TO THE POND IN BILL'S BACKYARD!!! WE GOT TO GO TO THE POND!!"

KYLE STARTS RUNNING FLAT OUT TOWARDS THE POND AND I FOLLOW HIM WITH A BIG SMILE. THIS IS GOING TO BE JUST GREAT. BY THE TIME I ARRIVE KYLE'S ALREADY KNOCKED IN ABOUT 8 ROCKS AND HAS KILLED A GOLDFISH LOOKING FOR THE NEXT 'CLUE', BUT OF COURSE HE EVENTUALLY FINDS IT AND WE'RE OFF ONCE MORE, THIS TIME TO THE DECK IN FRONT OF OUR NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.

THE NEXT HOUR IS PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS. OCCASIONALLY I'VE HIDDEN A 'CLUE' TOO WELL AND KYLE CAN'T FIND IT, BUT WHENEVER THIS OCCURS I MIRACULOUSLY STUMBLE ACROSS IT AND PICK UP THE SCENT AGAIN. KYLE IS PRACTICALLY WETTING HIMSELF HE'S SO EXCITED.

SO THE TREASURE HUNT TAKES US ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND AT ONE POINT WE'RE TURNING DOWN HEMLOCK STREET WHICH IS ABOUT 5 BLOCKS AWAY FROM WHERE WE LIVE. WE ROUND THE CORNER AND KYLE IMMEDIATELY FLOCKS TO THE STOP SIGN AND STARTS PAWING AROUND IN THE DIRT FOR THE NEXT CLUE. HE CAN'T FIND IT. AT THIS POINT I'M KIND OF STARTING TO FORGET MYSELF WHERE I'VE HIDDEN HALF OF THESE DAMN THINGS, AND ABSENT-MINDEDLY BEGIN TO SEARCH AROUND THE STOPSIGN WITH KYLE.

I SAY ABSENT-MINDEDLY BECAUSE I'M STARING DOWN THE STREET AT A GROUP OF ABOUT 4 OR 5 KIDS MY AGE WHO I DON'T KNOW, WHO SEEM TO BE AWFULLY EXCITED. THEY'RE RUNNING FROM ONE SIDE OF THE STREET TO ANOTHER, GROUPING TOGETHER HERE AND THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES AT A TIME UNTIL SOMEONE ISSUES A LOUD GLEEFUL SHOUT AND THEN THEY'RE OFF AGAIN. ALL THE WHILE THEY ARE GETTING FURTHER DOWN THE STREET AND DISAPPEARING FROM VIEW.

I SWEAR IT TAKES ME LIKE 5 MINUTES OF WATCHING THIS AND LISTENING TO KYLE'S STRANGE INTERPRETATIONS OF THE CLUE ("WHERE IS IT?!? WHERE IS IT?!?! MAYBE STOP-SIGN MEANS SOMETHING ELSE... HMMMM.. STOP... SIGN... MAYBE THE ROOF?") BEFORE I REALIZE THAT THOSE DAMN KIDS DOWN THE STREET HAVE LUMBERED ACROSS MY GODDAMNED TREASURE-HUNT AND ARE HOT ON THE TRAIL.

I ACT QUICKLY AND MAKE UP SOME SORT OF VERY IRRATIONAL REASONING: "KYLE!!! MAYBE THEY MEAN THE STOP-SIGN DOWN THE STREET!!" I SUGGEST WEAKLY. I'M THINKING AHEAD AS MANY CLUES AS I CAN - I NEED TO SOMEHOW HEAD OFF THOSE OTHER KIDS BEFORE THEY GET TO THE CANDY.

WE RUN BY THE LITTLE GROUP THAT'S CAUSING ME SO MUCH DISTRESS. THEY'RE A GOOD 10 CLUES AHEAD OF US AND I REALIZE I NEED TO GET KYLE ON A DIFFERENT BLOCK ALTOGETHER IF THERE'S TO BE ANY HOPE OF US SALVAGING THE HUNT. I FEEBLY SUGGEST WE TRY ANOTHER STOP-SIGN OVER ON WALNUT STREET AND KYLE, THANK GOD, AGREES TO IT WITHOUT ANY QUESTIONING.

ON WALNUT STREET I PRETEND TO 'TRIP' AND BY DIVINE PROVIDENCE UNEARTH A NEW CLUE. KYLE IS ABSOLUTELY OVERJOYED. THE LAST 15 MINUTES HAVE EVIDENTLY BEEN EXTREMELY HARD ON HIM AND HE IS JUST TICKLED PINK TO BE BACK IN THE HUNT. I MYSELF CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL A LITTLE SMUG ABOUT MY QUICK THINKING. I CHUCKLE IN DELIGHT AT THE THOUGHT OF THE LITTLE TEAM OF GUMSHOES BACK ON HEMLOCK STREET COMING TO AN INEVITABLE DEAD END.

SO WE RESUME THE TREASURE HUNT, AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON, AS WE ARE APPROACHING THE END OF OUR STREET. WE HEAD DOWN PINE AVENUE AND TURN THE CORNER. KYLE'S FINDING ALL THE CLUES EASILY AND IS MORE EXCITED THAN ANYONE I'VE EVER SEEN. WE'RE ALMOST HOME FREE NOW, AND I'M ALMOST SAD MY LITTLE DISTRACTION IS COMING TO AN END.

SO KYLE IS ON THE LAST CLUE, WHICH SAYS SOMETHING TO THE EXTENT OF "TURN LEFT AND DIG UNDER THE TIGER LILLIES" AND WE ROUND THE VERY LAST CORNER AND ARE REWARDED WITH THE SIGHT OF CHRIS, THE FAT TUBBY KID DOWN THE STREET WHO NOBODY LIKES, SITTING IN THE DIRT EATING A BUNCH OF DIRTY JELLYBEANS AND SMACKING HIS LIPS IN ECSTACY.

KYLE LOOKS HEARTBROKEN. I AM JUST ABOUT READY TO KILL CHRIS BUT I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING FOR FEAR OF GIVING AWAY THE GAME. CHRIS LOOKS AT ME AND HIS LITTLE PIGGY EYES GLINT IN THE SUN. HE SHOVES ANOTHER HANDFUL OF JELLYBEANS INTO HIS CAVERNOUS MOUTH.

"HEY DAVE!" I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR JELLYBEANS GETTING STUCK IN HIS BRACES. "I WATCHED YOU BURY THESE THIS MORNING FROM MY BEDROOM WINDOW. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND."