BIKE RACE

SO BASICALLY IN ADDITION TO TRACK AND FIELD DAY, OUR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ALSO HAD ONE OR TWO OTHER ANNUAL CELEBRATORY EVENTS, AND ONE OF THEM WAS SORT OF A LARGE OUTDOOR RACE AROUND THE SCHOOL. WE WERE IN GRADE THREE, SO THIS WAS MY THIRD YEAR DOING IT, BUT IT GENERALLY INVOLVED AN ENTIRE CLASS OF KIDS PUSHING THEIR WAY AROUND THE PERIMETER OF THE SCHOOL GROUNDS WHILE TRYING TO SURMOUNT VARIOUS "OBSTACLES" WHICH COULD MEAN ANYTHING FROM CRAWLING UNDER A FEW DESKS PUSHED TOGETHER TO TRYING TO KNOCK A PIE PLATE OUT OF A TREE WITH AN APPLE (THIS WAS AN ACTUAL 'EVENT' ONE YEAR - SOME CALLOUSED TEACHER TRULY THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD, CREATIVE IDEA).

ANYWAY WE STILL LOOKED FORWARD TO IT BECAUSE IT MEANT BEING OUTSIDE AND RUNNING AROUND, AND WHEN OUR TEACHER ANNOUNCED THE DATE FOR THE RACE WE ALL CHEERED. AND THEN MRS. MENEZOS LOOKS US ALL SQUARELY IN THE FACE AND SAYS, "AND BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THIS CLASS HAS A BICYCLE (SHE HAD LEARNED THIS FROM A SURVEY DONE EARLIER IN THE WEEK) YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO BRING YOUR BIKE - FROM HOME!!"AND WE ALL GASP! THIS IS JUST INSANE!! INSTANTLY EVERYONE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HOW COOL THEIR BICYCLES ARE AND HOW MUCH FASTER THIS IS GOING TO MAKE US ALL AND EVERYONE IS JUST EXCITED BEYOND BELIEF.

OF COURSE THE NEXT DAY EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT THE RACE BECAUSE IT'S A WEEK AWAY AND THAT MIGHT AS WELL BE YEARS FROM NOW. EVEN THOUGH WE'RE REMINDED OF IT OVER WEEK WE ALL JUST KEEP FORGETTING.

ANYWAY THE DAY OF THE RACE ARRIVES. WE SHOW UP TO CLASS AND MAKE SURE ALL OUR STUFF IS STILL IN OUR DESKS AND FIGURE OUT WHO'S NOT HERE AND STARE OUT THE WINDOW AND THEN MRS. MENEZOS SAYS "TODAY IS THE RACE!" AND EVERYONE JUST ERUPTS IN EXCITEMENT! OF COURSE WE ALL FORGOT ABOUT THE RACE, EXCEPT FOR SOME OF THE SMARTER GIRLS AND ANYWAY THINGS ARE AWESOME. THEN OUR TEACHER ASKS WHO BROUGHT THEIR BIKES, AND AGAIN, A COUPLE OF THE SMARTER, QUIETER GILRS SHYLY RAISE THEIR HANDS AND POINT TO THEIR BIKES WHICH ARE LEANED UP IN THE HALLWAY. MRS. MENEZOS SORT OF SMILES AT THEM AND THEN SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT, "EVERYBODY LOOK AT KYLE!!"

AND ACROSS THE FIELD, COMING UP OVER THE HILL WITH THE RISING SUN BEHIND AT HIS BACK IS KYLE, PUSHING WHAT I FIRST ASSUME TO BE A LARGE SPARKLING DIAMOND ON WHEELS. IT'S HIS BIKE. NOW I'VE SEEN HIS BIKE AND RIDDEN IT BEFORE AND EVERYTHING, AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT REMEMBER IT LOOKING LIKE THIS. AS THE SUN GLINTS OFF THE IMMACULATE FRAME I SEE THAT ONE OF KYLE'S PARENTS SPLURGED IN THE BIKE SECTION AT CANADIAN TIRE BECAUSE HE HAS LIKE EVERY SINGLE LITTLE ADD-ON YOU CAN HAVE ON A KID'S BIKE. HE'S GOT ALL SORTS OF BELLS ON IT, A FULL-OUT RUBBER HORN, EVEN SOME OF THE GIRLY BIKE STUFF LIKE THOSE SILVER-TINTED COLOR STREAMERS THAT ATTACH TO THE HANDLEBARS, AND THOSE BRIGHT FLUORESCENT BEADS THAT LOOSELY CLIP ONTO YOUR BIKE SPOKES AND THEN FLY OUT AND CLACK AGAINST THE RIMS WHEN YOU START PEDALLING. IT'S RIDICULOUS. AND IN ADDITION TO THE KAZILLION THINGS HE'S GOT CLIPPED ONTO HIS BIKE, HE'S COVERED THE ENTIRE THING IN ABOUT A THOUSAND HOLOGRAPHIC THUNDER-CAT STICKERS AND HE'S GOT LIKE A HUNDRED HOCKEY CARDS TAPED TO THE FRAME SO THEY MAKE NOISE AGAINST THE SPOKES. IT'S JUST NUTS.

OF COURSE KYLE'S ALL SMILES AND WE'RE ALL MAKING ABSURD "WHOAAAAAAAA" EXCLAMATIONS, AND KYLE SAUNTERS UP TO THE WINDOWS AND WE ALL ADMIRE THE BIKE UP CLOSE. IT'S REALLY INCREDIBLE. HE'S GOT EVEN MORE STUFF ON IT THAT I FIRST REALIZED. THERE'S ABOUT THREE WATERBOTTLES TIED TO IT, HE'S GOT A SCREWDRIVER ATTACHED TO THE FRAME WITH SOME STRING, AND ALL HIS LEGOS AND BEST TOYS ARE STREWN ABOUT IN THIS BRIGHT GREEN BASKET HE'S GOT IN THE FRONT. HE'S GOT HE-MAN TAPED TO THE VERY FRONT LIKE A SHIP'S FIGUREHEAD. THE WHOLE THIS IS JUST GLORIOUS.

KYLE GETS HIS BIKE INTO THE HALLWAY AND MRS. MENEZOS FAKES INTEREST IN IT AND DEMURS A FEW COMPLIMENTS WHILE THE REST OF US ENTHUSIASTICALLY LOOK IT UP AND DOWN AND ADMIRE THE THING FROM ALL ANGLES. I AM SO STOKED TO BE HIS NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR AND CAN'T WAIT TO RIDE IT AFTER SCHOOL. KYLE'S LOVING THE ATTENTION AND KEEPS TELLING US THINGS LIKE "BET YOU THOUGHT I'D FORGET THE RACE!!" AND "I'M SO FAST ON THIS BIKE!" AND OTHER LITTLE BOASTS. EVENTUALLY THOUGH WE'RE ASKED TO SETTLE DOWN AND SCHOOL BEGINS, AND IT'S JUST BRUTAL TRYING TO DO MATH WHEN THAT AWESOME BIKE IS IN THE HALLWAY.

ANYWAY AFTER ABOUT A THOUSAND YEARS MRS. MENEZOS SAYS THAT IT'S TIME FOR THE RACE AND WE RUN OUT INTO THE HALL AND ARE ASKED TO GO OUT BACK TO THE 'BIG KIDS' PLAYGROUND (GRADES 4-6 HAD THE BACK HALF OF THE SCHOOL GROUNDS, WE HAD THE OTHER HALF. THE SCHOOL ITSELF WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE TWO PIECES OF LAND AND ACTED AS A BUFFER BETWEEN THEM). SO WE WALK OUT THERE AND SORT OF LOOK IN AWE AT THE FADED BASKETBALL COURT AND OTHER DISTRACTIONS THE BIGGER KIDS HAVE DURING THEIR RECESS. THE SUN IS SHINING BRIGHTLY AND THERE'S JUST THIS ENORMOUS SENSE OF HAPPINESS FLOATING AROUND THE PLAYGROUND AND KYLE'S STILL WALKING HIS BIKE TO THE STARTING LINE. WE SEE A LOT MORE DESKS THAN USUAL, AND ASSUME THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF CRAWLING GOING ON BEFORE WE GET AROUND TO OUR SIDE OF PLAYGROUND.

THEN MRS. MENEZOS MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT AND SAYS THAT THE REASON THERE ARE SO MANY DESKS IS BECAUSE EACH GROUP OF DESKS IS A "STATION" AND AT EACH STATION WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SOLVE AN EQUATION OR ANSWER A RIDDLE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND THEN ALL THESE TEACHERS WALK OUT OF THE SCHOOL AND EACH MAN ONE OF THESE "STATIONS"!

EVERYONE'S KIND OF UNCERTAIN ABOUT HOW THIS WILL AFFECT THE JOCULARITY OF THE DAY, BUT KYLE'S FACE JUST FALLS. NO DOUBT HE HAD THESE GRAND VISIONS OF HIM SPEEDING AROUND THE SCHOOL IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, AND NOW HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO STOP AT EVERY ONE OF THESE STATIONS AND DO SOME HORSESHIT ASSIGNMENT. HE'S BUMMED.

MRS. MENEZOS LINES US ALL UP AND GIVES A HEARTY "ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!!!" AND WE ALL SCRAMBLE OFF TO THE FIRST STATION ON FOOT, AND THE GIRLS DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO USE THEIR BIKES ON ACCOUNT OF THE SHORT DISTANCE AND RUN ALONG WITH THE REST OF US. KYLE PRODUCES A BIKE HELMET FROM SOMEWHERE AND STEPS ON HIS BIKE, AND THEN WHAT I CAN BEST DESCRIBE AS A SORT OF MILD EXPLOSION TAKES PLACE AND MAKES EVERYBODY TURN AROUND. I MOSTLY RECALL KYLE'S BRILLIANT DIAMOND-BIKE TAKING AN IMMEDIATE SPILL ONTO THE DIRT, BUT I REMEMBER MATT RECALLING THAT IT LOOKED MORE LIKE SOMEONE HAD JUST THROWN A COUPLE OF DECKS OF CARDS INTO THE AIR, AND JEFF RECALLING THAT HE HEARD A NOISE AND THEN WATCHED DOZENS OF LEGOS AND THOSE PLASTIC BEADS ROLLS DOWN THE SMALL INCLINE AND ONTO THE ROAD. BASICALLY EVERYONE LATER AGREED THAT KYLE JUST HAD WAY TOO MUCH SHIT ON HIS BIKE, AND SOMEHOW OR OTHER EVERYTHING SIMULTANEOUSLY POPPED OFF OR SHOT OFF HIS BIKE AS SOON AS HE TRIED TO PUT THE MODIFIED VEHICLE INTO ACTION.

KYLE, UNDAUNTED, AND MISSING MOST OF HIS BEADS, HOCKEY CARDS, AND A FLASHLIGHT THAT HE MUST HAVE TAPED TO THE TIRE OR SOMETHING, GETS BACK UP AND STARTS PEDALLING FURIOUSLY FOR ABOUT TWO SECONDS WHEN HE REACHES THE FIRST STATION. AT THIS POINT HE TRIES TO DISMOUNT AND TAKES ANOTHER SPILL AND THE SCREWDRIVER FALLS OFF AND ONE OF THE STREAMERS ON HIS HANDLEBARS FALLS OFF AND HE'S LEAVING A WHOLE WAKE OF TOYS BEHIND HIM. HIS HELMET'S OFF TO THE SIDE AND HE LOOKS CONFUSED.

THE FIRST STATION INVOLVED US MAKING A 3D HEXAGON OUT OF MARSHMALLOWS AND TOOTHPICKS, WHICH MEANS AT THIS POINT MOST OF THE CLASS WERE RUNNING TOWARDS THE SECOND STATION AND TRYING TO SWALLOW ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS WE STUFFED IN OUR MOUTHS. KYLE EVENTUALLY SORTS THE CHALLENGE OUT AND GETS BACK ON HIS BIKE AND TAKES A FEW MORE SPILLS AND EVENTUALLY GETS TO STATION 2. AT THIS POINT WE'RE ROUNDING STATION 4 AND SO ON AND SO ON AND IT BECOMES PRETTY APPARENT THAT THERE'S NO WAY KYLE'S GOING TO WIN THE RACE. EVENTUALLY HE REALIZES THIS AND THROWS HIS BIKE ON THE GROUND AND STARTS KICKING IT AND STARTS PICKING UP ALL HIS TOYS AND STUFF AND TEARFULLY/VENGEFULLY ANNOUCES THAT HE'S QUIT.

THIS IS WHERE MRS. MENEZOS SHOWED A MEAN STREAK IN HER THAT WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT PRIOR. SHE TELLS KYLE THAT IF HE QUITS HE'S NOT GOING TO GET THE PRIZE THAT WILL BE GIVEN OUT TO EVERYONE WHO FINISHES THE RACE, AND KYLE MULLS IT OVER FOR A WHILE AND SHE KEEPS SORT OF COAXING HIM INTO GETTING BACK ON HIS BIKE AND FINALLY HE GIVES IN TO HER WHEEDLING. SO KYLE MAKES A LITTLE PILE FOR HIS TOYS AND OTHER LOST POSSESSIONS AND GETS BACK ON THE BIKE AND PAINFULLY BEGINS FINISHING THE RACE. IT TAKES HIM ABOUT HALF AN HOUR LONGER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, MOSTLY BECAUSE HE'S DOING THE STATIONS BY HIMSELF. THE REST OF US PRETTY MUCH STAYED IN A GROUP AND THE SECOND SOMEONE PROPERLY FINISHED A STATION, EVERYONE COPIED HIS/HER ANSWER AND FINISHED AT THE SAME TIME. KYLE HAD TO DO IT ALL ON HIS OWN, BUT EVENTUALLY MADE IT THROUGH TO THE LAST STATION. AT THIS POINT WE WERE PRETTY MUCH ALL SITTING DOWN IN THE SUNSHINE ENJOYING THE POPSICLES THAT WERE INVARIABLY HANDED OUT AT THE END OF A SCHOOL EVENT, AND READING EACH OTHER THE JOKES ON THE POPSICLE STICKS. KYLE HAD THOROUGHLY ENTERTAINED EVERYBODY WITH HIS SHORT TEMPER AND PREDISPOSITION FOR CRYING, AND WE ALL IMMENSELY ENJOYED WATCHING HIM TEAR UP THE FIELD FOR THE LAST LITTLE WHILE. ONCE HE FINALLY REJOINS THE REST OF US HE SITS DOWN HEAVILY ON THE PICNIC TABLE, SNATCHES A POPSICLE OUT OF MRS. MENEZOS' HAND, AND DEMANDS THAT HE BE GIVEN A PRIZE. MRS. MENEZOS, WITH A TWINKLE IN HER EYE I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE, PRODUCES A LARGE PLASTIC BAG AND HANDS OUT TO EVERYBODY A LITTLE BELL FOR OUR BICYCLES WITH A BIG SMILE ON HER FACE.

MAYBE A SQUIRREL PEED THERE

KYLE AND I HAVE A DUMB INSIDE JOKE THAT HAS BEEN WITH US FOR NEARLY FIFTEEN YEARS NOW. WHENEVER WE WALK BY A LARGE AMOUNT OF YELLOW SNOW ONE OF US HAS TO SAY "I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE A SQUIRREL PEED THERE".

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ALRIGHT SO ONE COLD WINTERY AFTERNOON WHEN I WAS 9 OR 10 KYLE AND I DECIDE TO ENTERTAIN OURSELF BY GETTING OUR OTHER NEIGHBOR, EVAN, TO DRINK PEE. WE HAVE A BRILLIANT AND TOTALLY ORIGINAL PLAN WHICH LARGELY INVOLVES TELLING EVAN IT'S "APPLE JUICE". TO MAKE THINGS SEEM EVEN MORE NATURAL, WE DECIDE TO INVITE HIM UP INTO OUR TREE FORT FIRST, AND THEN, IN THE SPIRIT OF COMRADERIE, PRESENT HIM WITH A GLASS OF PEE.

THE NEXT STEP OBVIOUSLY INVOLVED PEEING IN A GLASS AND I DON'T FULLY REMEMBER HOW EXACTLY THAT WENT DOWN, BUT I REMEMBER WE HAD TO TRANSFER PEE USING A REMARKABLE AMOUNT OF CONTAINERS. I ALSO VAGUELY RECALL A BRIEF BUT INTERESTING CONVERSATION REGARDING THE COLOR AND QUALITY OF EACH OTHER'S URINE ONCE WE HAD RETURNED FROM OUR PARENT'S BATHROOMS WITH OUR BOTTLES. FUN STUFF. ANYWAY TOGETHER WE MANAGED TO FILL UP A LARGE GLASS WITH PEE AND CAREFULLY MADE OUR WAY TO THE TREE FORT. ONCE INSIDE WE PLACED THE JAR DOWN CAREFULLY ON A SMALL TABLE WE HAD SALVAGED FROM THE GARBAGE, AND STARTED WALKING TO EVAN'S PLACE.

HALFWAY THERE I WAS SUDDENLY REALIZED A SERIOUS FLAW IN OUR OTHERWISE INFALLIBLE PLAN. "KYLE!" I YELL OUT, "DON'T YOU THINK IT'LL LOOK WEIRD IF WE GET EVAN UP INTO THE TREE FORT AND TELL HIM TO DRINK HIS "APPLE JUICE" IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY OURSELVES?"

I HAVE TO RUN THIS THROUGH KYLE A FEW TIMES BEFORE HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT I'M GETTING AT, BUT WHEN HE DOES FINALLY REALIZE WHAT'S GOING ON HE GETS INTO GEAR AND WE RUN BACK HOME TO POUR TWO MORE GLASSES OF REAL APPLE JUICE. ONLY NEITHER OF OUR PARENTS HAVE REAL APPLE JUICE, SO WE COMPROMISE AND FILL UP OUR GLASSES WITH ORANGE JUICE, AND THEN PLACE THEM BY THE GLASS OF PEE. WE'RE NOW BOTH CONVINCED THAT ANY SUSPICIONS ON BEHALF OF EVAN WILL BE THOROUGHLY ALLEVIATED BY THE FACT THAT WE WILL DRINK A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLORED BEVERAGE ALONGSIDE HIM.

WE GO OVER TO EVAN'S HOUSE AND KNOCK ON HIS DOOR. HIS MOM, A SUSPICIOUS AND ANGRY WOMAN, ANSWERS AND WE ASK IF EVAN CAN COME OUT AND PLAY. EVAN IS DELIGHTED AT THE IDEA. HIS MOM CASTS A FURIOUS GLANCE AT US AND SAYS "WHAT ARE YOU THREE GOING TO DO". IN THE MOST INNOCENT AND BEGUILING VOICE I CAN MANAGE I TELL THE ROTTEN WOMAN WE'RE GOING TO PLAY OUTSIDE. EVEN THOUGH WE'RE IN GRADE 4, EVAN'S MOM WAS THE KIND OF WOMAN WHO BELIEVED THAT CHILDREN, IF NOT MONITORED CONSTANTLY, WOULD IMMEDIATELY TAKE TO HABITUAL DRUG USAGE AND OTHER LUDE VICES. ANYWAY, SINCE MOST OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS ALWAYS WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH US, OBTAINING EVAN'S COMPANY ISN'T TOO DIFFICULT ONCE WE PLACATE HIS MOTHER. SO THE THREE OF US START WALKING BACK TO KYLE'S PLACE. EVAN ASKS US WHAT WE FEEL LIKE DOING. KYLE SUGGESTS THE TREE FORT. I CHIME IN WITH A "AND I COULD GO FOR SOME JUICE - I'M THIRSTY" IN THE MOST NON-CHALANT WAY POSSIBLE. EVAN AGREES AND WE ALL MAKE OUR WAY TO THE TREE FORT.

SO WE'RE ALL UP THERE AND KYLE'S LIKE "LET'S ALL HAVE SOME JUICE. HERE. THIS ONE IS FOR YOU." AND I'M SAYING ALL SORTS OF EQUALLY CLEVER AND CONVINCING DIALOGUE AND AFTER SOME CONFUSION WE'RE ALL STANDING IN THE TREE FORT LIKE IDIOTS HOLDING OUR RESPECTIVE GLASSES OF ORANGE JUICE AND PEE. I'M STARTING TO ACTUALLY GET KIND OF NERVOUS.

"WELL, THEN" I START, WHEN SUDDENLY EVAN'S MOM SHATTERS THE PEACEFUL WINTER DAY AND CRIES OUT "WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING UP THERE!!!"

EVAN IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS WITH "DRINKING!!"

EVAN'S MOM SCREETCHES BACK WITH AN EAR-SPLITTING "WHAT?!?!" AND PROCEEDS TO START CLIMBING UP THE LADDER TO THE TREE FORT.

AT THIS POINT KYLE'S STEP-MOM (ALSO AN ANGRY WOMAN) STEPS OUTSIDE AND SEEING A CHANCE TO YELL AT CHILDREN BELLOWS "YOU'RE DOING WHAT?!"

BEFORE I CAN DIFFUSE THE SITUATION, EVAN SINGS OUT "WE'RE DRINKING APPLE JUICE!" KYLE'S STEP-MOM THEN YELLS OUT "WHEREDYA GET THE APPLE JUICE!??! WE DON'T HAVE ANY APPLE JUICE!@!!"

AND KYLE YELLS BACK "I FOUND SOME"

OF COURSE THIS RESULTS IN THE THREE OF US GETTING 'CALLED IN' TO DISCUSS WHERE EXACTLY WE GOT THE APPLE JUICE AND KYLE STUBBORNLY INSISTS HE "FOUND IT", "SOMEWHERE" AND MIRACULOUSLY HIS STEP-MOM AND EVAN'S MOM HAVEN'T ACTUALLY ASKED THAT WE BRING THE APPLE JUICE INSIDE FOR THEIR INSPECTION.

WE SORT OF KIND OF GET IN TROUBLE BUT ARE ALLOWED TO GO BACK OUTSIDE, SO WE RETURN TO THE TREE FORT. AT THIS POINT IT'S DARK OUTSIDE BECAUSE CANADIAN WINTERS ARE HORRIBLE AND IT'S CUSTOMARY FOR THE SUN TO GO DOWN AT LIKE 4:00PM OR SOMETHING EQUALLY RIDICULOUS. WE ALL TRUNDLE OVER TO THE TREE FORT TO DRINK OUR DRINKS (EVAN IS STILL INTO THIS FOR SOME REASON) ONLY TO FIND OUT NOBODY CAN TELL WHICH OF THE THREE DRINKS CONTAINS THE PEE. NOT WILLING TO TAKE ANY CHANCES, WE ALL DECIDE TO GO BACK TO THE HOUSE TO FIND A FLASHLIGHT.

YOU'D THINK BY NOW EVEN A SMALL ANIMAL WOULD HAVE HAD ITS SUSPICIONS THOROUGHLY AROUSED BY ALL THE GODDAMNED POMP & CIRCUMSTANCE SURROUNDING THE APPLE-JUICE-DRINKING, BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT OVER EVAN'S HEAD AND THE GAME'S STILL AFOOT.

THE THREE OF US RUMMAGE AROUND IN KYLE'S GARAGE AND SOON ENOUGH WE FIND A FLASHLIGHT. I'M EXHAUSTED AT THIS POINT BUT KYLE'S GOT A GLINT OF DETERMINATION IN HIS EYE TO SEE THIS THING THROUGH, SO WE ONCE AGAIN RETURN TO THE TREE FORT.

KYLE PUSHES THE BUTTON ON THE BOTTOM OF THE FLASHLIGHT AND POINTS THE BEAM AT THE THREE GLASSES, NOW LIGHTLY FROSTED. THEN KYLE NOTICES HIS OWN BREATH. YOU CAN'T SEE IT IN THE DARK, BUT IN THE BEAM OF THE FLASHLIGHT THE WARM AIR EXHALED FROM HIS LUNGS TAKES ON MAGICAL SMOKY PROPERTIES AND ROLLS AROUND LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF DREAM. WE ALL INSTANTLY FORGET OUR PLANS AND BEGAN PASSING THE FLASHLIGHT AROUND AND EXHALING INTO IT.

AT THIS POINT EVAN'S FUCKING MOM RETURNS AGAIN AND YELLS OUT INTO THE DARK "NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

AND THAT GODDAMNED RETARD EVAN YELLS OUT "WE'RE SMOKING!!"

AND EVAN'S MOM ONCE AGAIN SHRIEKS OUT "WHAT?!" AND BEGANS CHARGING TOWARDS THE TREEFORT LIKE A RHINO IN THE DARKNESS, AND KYLE'S STEP-MOM ALSO COMES OUT AGAIN AND IT'S LIKE A SCENE IN A BAD BRITISH COMEDY OR SOMETHING. I AM STARTING TO FEEL LIKE I'M IN SOME SORT OF PERPETUAL DEJA-VU AND I HISS AT KYLE "LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!" AND KYLE GRABS THE GLASS OF PEE, HANDS IT TO EVAN AND SAYS "DRINK THIS"

EVAN RAISES THE GLASS TO HIS LIPS WHEN THE TREEFORT IS SUDDENLY SHAKEN BY WHAT FEELS LIKE A SMALL EARTHQUAKE. IT WOULD APPEAR EVAN'S MOM TRIED TO CLIMB THE LADDER AGAIN BUT MISSED A RUNG IN THE DARKNESS AND PLUMMETED A FEW FEET BACK TO EARTH. EVAN RUNS TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE TREE FORT AND PEERS OUT INTO DEPTHS BELOW HIM AND YELLS OUT "MOM!", SPILLING MOST OF HIS GLASS IN THE PROCESS.

SOMEWHERE IN THE MURKY DEPTHS BELOW WE HEAR EVAN'S MOM, COMPLETELY ENRAGED, START YELLING OUT "ARE YOU POURING WATER ON ME?! ARE YOU POURING WATER ON ME?! ARE YOU POURING WATER ON ME?!" AND KYLE'S STEP-MOM ADDS TO THE DIN WITH HER STANDARD "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER?!" AND I AM SERIOUSLY ON THE VERGE OF LOSING MY MIND. I GRAB THE GLASS FROM EVAN AND QUICKLY EMPTY IT OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TREEFORT, AND QUICKLY POUR SOME OF MY ORANGE JUICE INTO THE GLASS. EVAN'S MOM IS RUNNING AROUND LIKE A WOUNDED ELEPHANT AND JUST SCREAMING AT EVAN TO COME DOWN OUT OF THE TREEFORT, AND KYLE AND I ALL BUT HURL HIM RIGHT OUT INTO THE NIGHT. THEN WE SORT OF JUST STAND THERE SHIVERING WHILE BELOW US EVAN AND HIS MOM REUNITE AND SHE DRAGS HIS PROTESTING ASS HOME.

THEN ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS DEAL WITH KYLE'S STEP-MOM. WE EXPLAIN TO HER HOW WE WERE JUST PRETENDING TO BLOW SMOKE USING THE FLASHLIGHT BEAM AND SHE CALMS DOWN SUFFICIENTLY. WE SEEM TO HAVE AVOIDED DISASTER, EVEN THOUGH WE DID NOT ACCOMPLISH WHAT WE SET OUT TO DO. WE DECIDE TO CALL IT A DAY.

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON WE GET HOME FROM SCHOOL ONLY TO FIND KYLE'S DAD WAITING FOR US. BEFORE WE CAN SAY ANYTHING HE IMMEDIATELY GRILLS KYLE ABOUT THE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF YELLOW SNOW PRESENT AROUND THE TREEFORT. AND KYLE, OF COURSE, IMMEDIATELY ISSUES THE RESPONSE WHICH, FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, I STILL CONSIDER TO BE ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE EVER HEARD.

FLOWER CHAIN

ALRIGHT SO ONE BRIGHT MORNING IN KINDERGARTEN FOR SHOW AND TELL I MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT HOW SOME OF THE FLOWERS IN OUR FRONT YARD HAD BEEN TRAMPLED DURING THE LATE EVENING. I GAVE EVERYONE WHAT I HOPED TO BE A SUSPICIOUS SQUINT, AND THEN WAGGED MY INDEX FINGER AT THE CLASS AND DEMANDED TO KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE HAD ALSO BEEN THE VICTIM OF AN OVER-NIGHT FLOWER TRAMPLING. A LOT OF KIDS STILL WANT TO COPY THEIR PEERS AT THAT AGE SO A WHOLE BUNCH OF KIDS IMMEDIATELY STATED THAT THEY DID THINK SOME OF THE FLOWERS IN THEIR FRONT YARDS LOOKED AWFULLY TRAMPLED, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT I'VE GOT HALF THE CLASS BOASTING TO THE OTHER HALF ABOUT JUST HOW TRAMPLED THEIR FRONT-YARD FLOWERS ACTUALLY ARE.

NOW THAT I HAVE ALLIES, I DECIDED TO FORM SOME SORT OF 'POSSE' TO CATCH WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FLOWER TRAMPLING. EVERYONE VOLUNTEERS, AND SINCE IT'S FRIDAY I ANNOUNCE THAT WE'LL MEET IN MY FRONT YARD AT 10AM SHARP SATURDAY MORNING.

SO ANYWAY SATURDAY MORNING ROLLS AROUND, I COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT FLOWERS ANYMORE, I'VE GOT OTHER IMPORTANT SHIT ON MY MIND AND CARTOONS TO WATCH, WHEN A CAR PULLS INTO OUR DRIVEWAY, A PASSENGER DOOR OPENS, AND THIS RANDOM GIRL IN MY CLASS WHO I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT WELL IS BOOTED OUT INTO OUR FRONT LAWN. MY MOM GOES TO CHECK IT OUT AND COMES BACK ASKING IF I HAD CALLED A "MEETING" AND THAT THE GIRL IS HERE FOR THE "MEETING". MY MOM LOOKS REALLY AMUSED.

SO I'M FURIOUS AT BEING DISTURBED, (I WAS FIGURING OUT HOW TO MAKE WEAPONS OUT OF STICKS AT THE TIME), AND I GO OUT FRONT AND NOW HAVE TO HANG AROUND WITH THIS RANDOM GIRL FROM CLASS. I CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME.

SO I TAKE HER TO WHERE THE FLOWERS WERE 'TRAMPLED' AND SHE LOOKS IT OVER AND SAYS VERY THOUGHTFULLY "IT COULD BE BURGLARS - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" AND I'M LIKE "I DUNNO, TRAP THE BURGLARS?!" SO WE START HUNTING AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO 'TRAP BURGLARS' WITH. WE FIND THIS GIANT THICK CHAIN IN THE GARAGE, AND SHE SUGGESTS WE STRING IT ACROSS TWO TREES IN THE FRONT LAWN - "LOW ENOUGH SO NOBODY SEES IT, BUT HIGH ENOUGH SO THEY TRIP". I STILL REMEMBER HER SAYING THIS LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

SO WE STRING THIS HEAVY GODDAMNED CHAIN UP AND IT'S SUPER HEAVY AND SAGGING SO MUCH IN THE MIDDLE THAT IT'S PRACTICALLY TOUCHING THE GROUND. THE GIRL AND I CONGRATULATE EACH OTHER AND THEN SHE APPARENTLY DECIDES TO WALK HOME. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE LIVES AND AM FRANKLY RELIEVED TO BE RID OF HER.

SO ANYWAY SUNDAY MORNING, I AM NOT KIDDING, LIKE 4 OR 6 JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES ALL TRIP OVER THE CHAIN IN GODDAMNED UNISON, (I WAS STILL IN BED), AND THEY'RE ALL OLD SO THEY'RE ALL "BADLY HURT" (IN THE BRUISED HIP SORT OF WAY) AND A GODDAMNED AMBULANCE HAS TO COME GET ONE OF THEM AND THE INCIDENT IS EVEN RECORDED IN OUR LITTLE TOWN NEWSPAPER, AND I HAD TO DELIVER A LITTLE EXPLANATION TO THE NEWSPAPER MAN ABOUT WHY THE CHAIN WAS THERE AND THEY ACTUALLY WROTE ABOUT IT IN THE NEWSPAPER ARTICLE!!! HOW I HAD THE CHAIN STRUNG UP IN ORDER TO PREVENT "BURGLARS" FROM TRAMPLING OUR FLOWERS!!! IN GODDAMNED PRINT!

MY MOM HAS THE CLIPPED ARTICLE SOMEWHERE, ALONG WITH THE REST OF MY CHILDHOOD ACCOLADES AND WHAT-NOT. SHE USE TO HIDE FROM JEHOVAH WITNESSES SUNDAY MORNINGS SO I DON'T REMEMBER HER BEING THAT MAD ANYWAY.

LIBRARY OWL

THE LITTLE LIBRARY IN MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WAS LOCATED IN THE EAST WING, WHICH WAS THE NEWEST ADDITION TO THE SCHOOL AT THE TIME. (IT WAS A SMALL SCHOOL, AND A VERY SMALL LIBRARY). MOST OF US LIKED TO GO TO THE LIBRARY. NOT BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS, THOUGH, BUT BECAUSE THERE WAS THIS GIANT STUFFED GREAT HORNED OWL SET ATOP ONE OF THE HIGHER BOOKSHELVES IN THE BACK. THE OWL HAD ITS WINGS SLIGHTLY OUTSTRETCHED AND IT WAS JUST COLOSSAL. IT WAS PRACTICALLY MY SIZE.

ANYWAY THE OWL GAVE OFF A VERY MUSTY, WOODSY SORT OF ODOR THAT MADE THE LIBRARY SMELL LIKE AN OLD MUSEUM, OR AN ABANDONED COTTAGE AND THAT JUST MADE THE LIBRARY EVEN COOLER.

ANYWAY ONE OF OUR LITTLE RITUALS WHILE WALKING TO THE LIBRARY WENT AS FOLLOWS: FIRST THERE WAS A LITTLE STEP DOWN WHEN YOU WENT INTO THE EAST WING - IT WAS CUSTOMARY FOR STUDENTS TO JUMP WHEN WE APPROACHED THE STEP, TOUCH THE CEILING TILE ABOVE OUR HEADS (ONE OF THOSE LARGE SQUARE CEILING TILES MADE OUT OF THIN DRY-WALL) AND THEN FALL THE EXTRA 6 INCHES INTO THE EAST WING. SINCE WE ALWAYS HAD TO WALK IN A LINE IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EVERY KID BASICALLY GOT A CHANCE TO JUMP AT THE STEP, AND WE WOULD OFTEN TEASE ANYONE WHO FAILED TO TOUCH THE CEILING TILE. I THINK IT WAS ALMOST CONSIDERED BAD LUCK OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAY THE SECOND STEP TO THIS ROUTINE WAS THAT ONCE YOU WERE IN THE LIBRARY YOU HAD TO GO TO THE BACK, JUMP UP AND TOUCH ONE OF THE WINGS ON THE GREAT HORNED OWL. ONCE YOU HAD TOUCHED BOTH THE CEILING TILE IN THE EAST WING, AND THE FEATHERS ON THE OWL'S WING, YOU WERE SET FOR THE DAY.

THE PROBLEM WITH THE SECOND PART OF THIS DUTY WAS THAT THE GREAT HORNED OWL WAS PERCHED RATHER PRECARIOUSLY ATOP THE BOOKSHELF, AND WOULD TEETER ALARMINGLY EVERYTIME SOMEONE TOUCHED IT. IT WASN'T UNUSUAL TO SPEND ONE'S TIME IN THE LIBRARY HELPING JOE AND FRANK HARDY GET TO THE SECRET ISLAND WHILE KEEPING AN WATCHFUL EYE ON THE GENTLY ROCKING OWL IN THE FAR BACK.

OF COURSE THE TEACHERS SHARING LIBRARIAN DUTY NOTICED WHAT WAS GOING ON AND EVENTUALLY AFTER SOME HIDDEN MEETINGS DECIDED THAT THE OWL HAD TO GO. I WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. I WAS SITTING ON ONE OF THOSE SHORT STOOLS WITH THE WHEELS AND CURSING CHET'S SLUGGISHNESS WHEN SUDDENLY AN AWFUL MOAN AROSE FROM EVERY MAN AND WOMAN IN THE ROOM. I STOOD UP AND IMMEDIATELY LOOKED OVER TO THE FAR BACK JUST IN TIME TO SEE TWO TEACHERS WRESTLE (WITH NO LITTLE DIFFICULTY, I MIGHT ADD) THAT GIANT OWL OFF THE BOOKCASE AND DISAPPEAR WITH IT THROUGH ONE OF THE BACK DOORS.

WE WERE ALL VERY SAD THAT DAY. THERE WAS SOME SPIRITED TALK OF RESCUING THE OWL, AND MANY PLANS WERE DRAFTED AND REVISED THROUGHOUT MATH, BUT ULTIMATELY WE REALIZED THAT A VERY LARGE PART OF OUR CHILDHOOD HAD BEEN ABSCONDED.

THE NEXT DAY WE HAD LIBRARY TIME AGAIN, BUT THERE WASN'T ANYWHERE NEAR AS MUCH ENTHUSIASM AS THERE ONCE WAS. WE ALL SHUFFLED AROUND LISTLESSLY - IT JUST WASN'T GOING TO BE THE SAME WITHOUT THE OWL. ONCE AGAIN WE WERE LINED UP, BUT THIS TIME WE MARCHED TOWARDS THE EAST WING WITH THE HOPELESS DISINTEREST OF A PRISONER MARCH. WHEN WE APPROACHED THE EAST WING NOBODY EVEN BOTHERED TO JUMP; THERE WAS NO POINT.

AS THE LINE TRICKLED DOWN THE STEP AND INTO THE EAST WING THIS KID DONALD, WHO HAD DONE HIS BEST TO ROUSE OUR SPIRITS SINCE THE DISASTER, DECIDED HE WASN'T GOING TO GIVE UP ALL HOPE AND JUMPED WHEN HE REACHED THE STEP. HE GRACEFULLY BRUSHED HIS FINGERTIPS AGAINST THE CEILING TILE, AND THEN, FROM WHAT I REMEMBER, THE HEAVENS OPENED UP, A GREAT BLACK SHADOW CAME OUT OF THE SKY LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING, DONALD PLUMMETED TO EARTH LIKE SOME DEMENTED ICARUS, AND THEN A GOOD PART OF THE EAST WING CAVED IN ON TOP OF US.

OF COURSE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THAT OUR IDIOT TEACHER-CUM-LIBRARIANS DECIDED THE SAFEST PLACE TO STORE THE OWL WAS IN THE CEILING, ROUGHLY RIGHT FUCKING ABOVE THE PLACE WHERE ALL THE KIDS LIKED TO JUMP. (THIS WAS, BY THE WAY, MY FIRST REAL GLIMPSE INTO THE MYSTERIOUS WORLD OF DESTINY, FATE, AND A SELF-RIGHTING UNIVERSE.) AND OF COURSE WHAT HAPPENED WAS THAT WHEN DONALD TOUCHED THE TILES, THE OWL, NOW PRECARIOUSLY PERCHED IN THE DEPTHS OF THE CEILING, FINALLY TOPPLED OVER AND FELL THROUGH THE WEAKENED TILE, TAKING DOWN DONALD AND A HANDFUL OF OTHER STUDENTS. SEVERAL OF US WERE COVERED IN A FINE DUST. I WISH I COULD SAY THAT A FEW FEATHERS FLOATED GENTLY IN THE BREEZE BUT THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. IT WAS A GREAT DAY. I HUGGED THE OWL, (SOMETHING I HAD WANTED TO DO SINCE MY FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN) AND, AS I HAD IMAGINED, THE OWL WAS TOO BIG FOR MY ARMS TO REACH ALL THE WAY AROUND IT. WHICH TOTALLY FUCKING RULED.

CATFISH VS PEANUTS

ALRIGHT SO MY DAD, MY SISTER AND I WENT CAMPING ALONG WITH ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS, AND ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS DECIDED TO BRING ALONG ONE OF HIS ACQUAINTANCES, WHO DECIDED TO BRING HIS SON. IT WAS ALL KIND OF LAST MINUTE AND THERE WASN'T ANY UPSHOT TO IT AT ALL - MY SISTER AND I NOW HAD THIS STRANGE THIRD PARTY TAGGING ALONG. THE KID'S NAME ESCAPES ME BUT I REMEMBER IT BEING AN UNFAMILIAR FRENCH NAME, LIKE TONQUESS OR RATATFOU. WE'LL JUST CALL HIM LUCERNE FOR NOW. LUCERNE'S DAD, WHO'S NAME WAS MIQUEL, WAS A REALLY STRANGE MAN WHO RIGHT OFF THE BAT DISPLAYED SIGNS OF OCD AND WAS FOREVER WASHING HIS HANDS WITH ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP AND USING KLEENEXES TO TOUCH EVERYTHING AND GENERALLY SHOWING ACUTE WHAT-ABOUT-BOB SYNDROME.

ANYWAY WE ARRIVED AT THE CAMPSITE AND SPENT TWO DAYS FISHING AND LOUNGING AROUND. MIQUEL AND LUCERNE ARE DEFINITELY NOT BUILT FOR THE OUTDOORS AT ALL AND THEIR CONSTANT BITCHING IS MAKING THINGS INCREASINGLY UNCOMFORTABLE. THEY DON'T LEAVE THE TENT MUCH, THEY DON'T WANT TO GO FISHING, THEY DON'T WANT TO GO HIKING, AND MIQUEL IN PARTICULAR GETS REALLY UNHAPPY WHEN MEALTIME COMES AROUND. HIS COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOUR IS TOTALLY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM OUT HERE IN THE WILD AND AROUND DAY THREE HE FINALLY DISCARDS HIS RETICENCE AND BEGINS TO ADMINISTER THESE LITTLE ADMONISHMENTS HERE AND THERE. THE GROWN-UPS ARE ALL TAKING IT WITH COMMENDABLE POLITENESS, BUT IT'S KIND OF SCARY FOR A LITTLE KID TO GET 'WARNINGS' FROM AN ADULT HE/SHE BARELY KNOWS. LUCERNE SEEMS IMMUNE TO MIQUEL'S UNFAVORABLE COUNSEL AND AS A RESULT HE'S ALSO BECOMING A LITTLE MORE BRASH AND STARTS TURNING INTO A TOTAL TWIT, ENDING A LOT OF OUR PETTY DISAGREEMENTS WITH 'MIQUEL (HE ALWAYS REFERRED TO HIS FATHER IN THE THIRD PERSON) WILL TELL YOU YOU'RE WRONG' IN HIS HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT.

THE CAMPING TRIP IS FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS AND I NOTICE MY FAMILY AS WELL AS THE NEIGHBORS ARE STARTING TO GIVE MIQUEL AND LUCERNE A WIDER BERTH THAN BEFORE, AND MIQUEL SEEMS TO BE INTERPRETING IT AS SUPPLICATION OR SOMETHING BECAUSE HE STARTS BECOMING LOUDER AND LOUDER WITH HIS COMPLAINTS. THE STORM BREAKS ON THE FOURTH NIGHT AROUND DINNERTIME. LUCERN AND MIQUEL HAVE ALTOGETHER STOPPED EATING THE HAMBURGERS AND HOTDOGS THAT THE REST OF US BROUGHT, AND HAVE INSTEAD TAKEN TO EATING THEIR SCANTY RESERVES OF CANNED FOOD. I SHOULD MENTIONED THAT BOTH OF THEM CAME HORRIBLY UNEQUIPPED AND HAD TO CONSTANTLY USE OUR STUFF, USUALLY REPRIMANDING US ABOUT OUR LACK OF TIDYNESS OR WHATEVER AFTERWARDS.

SO ANYWAY AROUND NIGHT FOUR THE 'RESERVES' OF MIQUEL AND LUCERNE ARE RUNNING BONE-DRY AND SINCE NEITHER OF THEM CAN DRIVE AND WE DON'T WANT TO DRIVE THEM HOURS BACK TO THE GROCERY STORE WHEN THERE'S AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF FOOD HERE, THEY HAVE TO PARTAKE IN OUR MEAL. MIQUEL IS HANDLING HOTDOGS LIKE THEY MIGHT STAIN HIS SKIN AND LUCERNE IS GIVING THESE DISDAINFUL LOOKS AT EVERYTHING AROUND HIM AND THE REST OF US ARE ALL SILENTLY GLOATING A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE IT'S NICE TO WATCH THEM BE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR A CHANGE.

ANYWAY AT ONE POINT MIQUEL JUST SNAPS AND YELLS OUT, "THAT EES EET! DON'T YOU HAVE ANYT'ING HERE DAT YOU GUYS 'AVEN'T TOUCHED?!" AND LITTLE LUCERNE CHIMES IN WITH A "YEAH GUYS", STARING AT MY SISTER AND I WITH GREAT DISPLEASURE. MIQUEL, UNABASHED, CONTINUES ON ABOUT THE UNSANITARY PRACTICES HE HAS WITNESSED HERE IN THE CAMPSITE WHILE MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS LOOK OFFENDED AND PLEASED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. MIQUEL FINISHES HIS RAMBLE WITH A PARTING SHOT AT HOW HE IS COMPLETELY DISGUSTED WITH HOW WE WASH OUR DISHES IN THE RIVER NEARBY, AND THEN STORMS OFF TO HIS SHITTY LITTLE ONE-MAN TENT THAT HE'S SHARING WITH LUCERNE. LUCERNE ECHOES HIS FATHER'S LAMENTS AND TRAILS OFF AFTER HIM. THAT'S THE LAST WE SEE OF THEM FOR THE NIGHT.

WE STAY UP AND I HAVE A VAGUE RECOLLECTION OF MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS TALKING QUIETLY AND LAUGHING GENTLY. EVEN AT MY AGE I REALIZE THAT WE SORT OF HAVE MIQUEL AND LUCERNE AGAINST THE ROPES - THERE'S STILL A FEW DAYS OF CAMPING LEFT AND THEY BASICALLY HAVE TO EAT OUR FOOD.

THE NEXT DAY AT BREAKFAST WE WAKE UP TO FIND MIQUEL HAS HOARDED THE LAST DOZEN OR SO EGGS AND IS CAREFULLY FRYING UP ONE OF THEM, WHICH HE THEN CUTS IN HALF. HE GIVES THE SMALLER PORTION TO LUCERNE, WE ALL SMILE INWARDLY AT HIS NEW PLAN AND GO ABOUT OUR BUSINESS. LUNCH ROLLS AROUND AND WE ALL GET OUT A BIG SPREAD OF FOOD. AMONG THE ITEMS PRODUCED IS A BRAND NEW JAR OF PEANUTS WHICH ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS HAD HIDDEN AWAY SOMEWHERE. WHEN THIS JAR OF PEANUTES COMES OUT MIQUEL NEARLY SHITS HIS PANTS AND DOES AN EXTREME DOUBLE-TAKE AND STARTS MUMBLING TO HIMSELF. HE AND LUCERNE MAYT HAVE SORT OF HOLED THEMSELVES UP IN THEIR TENT WITH THEIR EGGS, BUT THIS SEALED JAR OF PEANUTS HAS REALLY CAUGHT THEIR ATTENTION.

MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS, OF COURSE, NOTICE MIQUEL'S UNUSUAL BEHAVIOUR AND CORRECTLY ATTRIBUTE IT TO THE JAR OF PEANUTS, AND THEN I GUESS SOME INNER DEMON COLLECTIVELY SPURS THEM ALL TO LEAVE THE JAR UNOPEN THROUGHOUT THE MEAL AND RETURN IT BACK TO THE NEIGHBOR'S TENT. MIQUEL NEVER ONCE TAKES HIS GAZE OFF THE PEANUTS. THEN WE GO OFF SWIMMING AND ENJOY OUR AFTERNOON.

THE SUN STARTS SETTING AND WE PREP OUR EVENING MEAL. ONCE AGAIN THE PEANUTS MAKE AN APPEARANCE. ONCE AGAIN MIQUEL NURSES HIS LITTLE CLUTCH OF EGGS. LUCERNE HAS LOST A LOT OF HIS BUOYANCY AND LOOKS LONGINGLY AT OUR HAMBURGERS. ONCE AGAIN MY DAD AND THE NEIGHBORS RETURN THE JAR OF PEANUTS TO THE TENT, STILL UNOPENED, AFTER THE MEAL.

THE NEXT DAY THIS FOLLOWS SUIT FOR BREAKFAST AND LUNCH. MIQUEL LOOKS HALF-INSANE. AFTER LUNCH I'M CONVINCED HE'S GOING TO MAKE A RAID ON THESE PEANUTS WHILE WE'RE OUT SWIMMING OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAY WE DECIDE TO GO FISHING AFTER GETTING A TIP FROM ANOTHER CAMPER WHO HAS CAUGHT SOME GIANT CATFISH NEARBY. OUR NEIGHBORS TELL US THEY SOMETIMES COOK CATFISH AND THAT IT CAN BE A DELICIOUS MEAL, WHICH PIQUES MY INTEREST. SO WE HEAD OUT TO THE SPOT AND START CASTING OUR LINES. THE AFTERNOON PASSES PLEASANTLY ENOUGH, ALTHOUGH NOBODY HAS CAUGHT ANYTHING AND THE HOOKS ARE GETTING CAUGHT IN THE ROCKS AS WE DRAG THEM. TWILIGHT ARRIVES AND EVERYONE DECIDES TO HEAD BACK FOR FOOD, EXCEPT FOR ME. I AM DETERMINED TO CATCH A GIANT CATFISH AND PROVIDE FOOD FOR THE GROUP AND GENERALLY BE REGARDED AS A HERO AMONG ALL.

IT'S NOW DARK OUT AND I CAN SEE THE CAMPFIRE UP ON THE HILL AND I CAN HEAR VOICES AND COOKING NOISES. THE SMELL OF HOTDOGS ONCE AGAIN WAFTS DOWN TO WHERE I AM. I'M STILL TROLLING THE RIVER AND GETTING READY TO PACK IT IN. SUDDENLY I HEAR MY DAD'S VOICE, WITH A HINT OF AMUSEMENT IN IT, "WELL I GUESS WE SHOULD OPEN THESE PEANUTS" WHICH IS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY A LOUD SQUEAL AND THEN MIQUEL YELLING FRANTICALLY, "ME!!! ME!!! LET ME OPEN THE PEANUTS!!! I WILL OPEN THE PEANUTS!!" WHICH IS THEN FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER.

AT THIS MOMENT MY ROD IS PRACTICALLY YANKED OUT OF MY HANDS AND I HAVE TO FOCUS ON MY LINE. I'VE CAUGHT A FISH, AND IT FEELS HUGE. I REEL IN AS PATIENTLY AS I CAN, REMEMBERING THAT YOU CAN SNAP THE LINE IF YOU JERK IT OR REEL IT IN TOO QUICKLY. AT ONE POINT I'M ALMOST PULLED INTO THE WATER AND I LEAN BACK AND TRY NOT TO START SHOUTING OUT FOR HELP. A FEW MINUTES OF DARKNESS PASS WHERE THE MAGNIFICENT STRUGGLE BETWEEN ME AND THE FISH IS COMPLETELY UNKNOWN TO THE ENTIRE WORLD, AND THEN I LIFT UP MY ROD AND OUT COMES A GIANT FUCKING CATFISH. THIS THING IS ABOUT A FOOT AND A HALF LONG, MAYBE TWO FEET, WHICH IS JUST AN OUTSTANDING SIZE TO A CHILD. I HAVE CAUGHT THE MOBY DICK OF CATFISH. I GRAB IT BY THE GILLS AND DON'T EVEN FEEL THOSE SHARP WHISKER-THINGIES SCRAPE AGAINST MY HANDS. I SHOUT OUT AS LOUD AS I CAN AND BEGIN RUNNING UP THE HILL HOLDING THIS GIANT FISH. THE HOOK IS STILL ATTACHED TO IT AND THE ROD IS BEING DRAGGED SOME 10 FEET BEHIND ME, THE REEL SPINNING MADLY.

MY YELLING BRINGS ALL THE NEIGHBORS TO THE CREST OF THE HILL, EXCEPT FOR MIQUEL, WHO I ASSUME IS EATING PEANUTS AND EGGS WITH LUCERNE, AND THEY WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS I EXPLODE INTO SIGHT CARRYING THIS ENORMOUS FISH! WHAT A GODDAMNED HERO I AM!!

MY DAD IS ALL SMILES AND THE-APPLE-DOESN'T-FALL-FAR-FROM-THE-TREE'ISH AND THE NEIGHBORS ARE REALLY IMPRESSED AND THE NIGHT HAS TURNED INTO A JOYOUS CELEBRATION AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. PEANUTS ARE THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND WHEN I LOOK OVER AT THE TABLE AND SEE THE OPENED JAR. THEN, FOR SOME REASON I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DETERMINE SINCE, I SUDDENLY HAVE A LONGING FOR PEANUTS. MIQUEL IS NEAR THE TENT, PRESUMABLY SPOONFEEDING PEANUTS TO HIS SON. I DROP THE CATFISH AND YELL OUT SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF, "OH BOY! PEANUTS!" AND MAKE MY WAY OUT TO THE TABLE. MIQUEL LOOKS AT ME WITH A LOOK OF UNMITIGATED HORROR AND SCREAMS OUT SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T SOUND ENGLISH AT ALL. HE JUMPS UP LIKE HE'S BEEN ELECTROCUTED AND STARTS GALLOPING TOWARDS THE TABLE. I CLOSE IN BEFORE HE DOES AND POUR A BIG HANDFUL OF PEANUTS INTO MY LITTLE HAND AND STUFF THEM INTO MY FACE. MIQUEL MAKES A FINAL LUNGE AND MAKES A GRAB FOR THE JAR. HE FALLS SHORT BY A FEW FEET AND LANDS ON ONE KNEE. HE'S PANTING HEAVILY AND STANDS UP STRAIGHT.

"YOU ATE DE PEANUTS!!!!" HE SCREAMS OUT. "DE PEANUTS!! YOU ATE THEM!! LOOK AT YOUR HANDS!!!!!". I LOOK AT MY HANDS WHICH DON'T REALLY LOOK TOO BAD EXCEPT THAT THEY'RE A BIT DIRTY, AND SMELL LIKE FISH.

"AND YOU.. AND YOU..." MIQUEL TRAILS OFF AND TRIES TO FIND SOME SUITABLE WORDING FOR ME. "WELL NOW YOU HAVE TO.. YOU MUST...," HE STRUGGLES, "YOU... MUST.. EAT.. ALL.. OF DE PEANUTS!!!!"

WHILE I'VE NO DOUBT THAT HE MEANT FOR THESE WORDS TO INDUCE TERROR INTO MY VERY SOUL, ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS THAT MY LITTLE BABY SISTER GIGGLED HOPELESSLY AND LUCERNE STARTED TO CRY. I TURNED AND LOOKED AT MY DAD WITH A WORRIED EXPRESSION BUT WAS RELIEVED TO SEE HE WAS ALSO SMILING. THE NEIGHBORS WERE ALREADY BEGINNING TO PREPARE THE CATFISH. NOBODY PAID MIKE THE SLIGHTEST ATTENTION TO MIQUEL. HE RETIRED TO HIS TENT WITH HIS WAILING PROGENY AND FOR THE NEXT HOUR OR SO WE HAPPILY BUSIED OURSELVES WITH THE CATFISH AMID THE MUFFLED SOBBING COMING FROM THE TENT. I RECALL AT ONE POINT I FELT LIKE THE SOBS HAD DOUBLED IN STRENGTH, BUT THAT COULD BE FANCIFUL IMAGINATION.

LEMONADE STAND

ALRIGHT SO ONE BRIGHT SUMMER MORNING KYLE AND I DECIDE TO OPEN UP A LEMONADE STAND. WE DRAG THIS GIANT COOLER OUT OF MY BASEMENT AND RANSACK OUR FRIDGES FOR LEMONS AND SUGAR, AND WE GET THIS GIANT PITCHER AND A BUNCH OF ICE, AND THEN WE TREK OUTSIDE TO THE CORNER OF MY STREET TO SET UP SHOP.

"SHOP" BASICALLY INVOLVES THIS TERRIBLY UNSAFE, RATTY STRUCTURE KYLE AND I HAD BUILT FROM THE REMAINS OF A ROTTEN FENCE. ORIGINALLY WE HAD MEANT TO BUILD A CLUBHOUSE BUT WE QUICKLY RAN OUT OF WOOD AND WE ENDED UP WITH WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SORT OF STAND. REALIZING THIS, WE QUICKLY TURNED IT INTO A STAND, WHICH IS WHERE THE LEMONADE SELLING PLANS CAME INTO PLAY.

SO ANYWAY WE'VE TRUCKED OUT OUR STUPID 'STAND' AND PROP IT AGAINST THE COOLER AND ANNOUNCE WE'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS. IT'S LIKE 8:00AM ON A SATURDAY MORNING AND WE'RE MISSING ALL THE GOOD CARTOONS FOR THIS. AND NOBODY'S EVEN AWAKE YET.

OF COURSE OUR FIRST COUPLE OF 'CUSTOMERS' ARE OUR PARENTS. THEY ACT ALL AMUSED AND PATRONIZE US FOR A WHILE, 'HAGGLING' WITH OUR PRICES, ETC. I DEFINITELY REMEMBER OUR PRICE FOR A GLASS OF LEMONADE BEING 5 CENTS, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, EVEN BACK IN THE 80s. ANYWAY SO WE POCKET A FEW QUARTERS FROM OUR PARENTS AND ARE PRETTY PLEASED WITH OURSELVES. KYLE'S DAD BRINGS US SOME MORE LEMONS BECAUSE WE'RE OBVIOUSLY SQUEEZING THEM BY HAND AND GETTING LEMON JUICE EVERYWHERE AND IT'S TAKING LIKE 4 LEMONS JUST TO MAKE ONE GLASS.

THEN THINGS SORT OF SLOW DOWN FOR ABOUT 40 MINUTES, AND WE ALMOST MAKE A SALE TO AN UNUSUALLY SUSPICIOUS OLD MAN WALKING HIS DOG. HE ACTUALLY DECIDES TO PASS ON A GLASS OF LEMONADE FROM SOME CHILDREN OPERATING A STAND, AFTER GRILLING US FOR ABOUT OUR PRACTICES FOR NEARLY TEN MINUTES. UNREAL. WE'RE GETTING DEJECTED.

ANYWAY AFTER SOME SERIOUS TALKS, WE DECIDE WE NEED A GREATER VARIETY OF GOODS TO SELL, SO KYLE RUNS HOME AND RETURNS WITH A BOX FULL OF LARGER GLASSES, A LOAF OF BREAD, AND HIS STUPID PLASTIC BUBBLEGUM MACHINE WHICH IS FILLED WITH BUBBLEGUM.

NOW WE'VE GOT A REALLY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS RUNNING - CUSTOMERS HAVE TO DRINK THEIR LEMONADE AT OUR STAND BECAUSE WE CAN'T GIVE AWAY THE GLASSES, WE'RE RUNNING BACK HOME EVERY 20 MINUTES TO WASH THEM, KYLE'S OFFERING A FREE SLICE OF BREAD WITH PURCHASE OF LEMONADE IN SOME SORT OF BIZARRE MARKETING INCENTIVE, AND WE'RE SELLING BUBBLEGUM FOR 5 CENTS AS WELL. HOWEVER WE ARE ACTUALLY GETTING MORE BUSINESS, AS BEMUSED ADULTS WANDER BY OUR LITTLE STAND AND SMILE AT THE CARNIVAL OF INDUSTRY WE'VE CREATED.

SPURRED BY THE SUCCESS, KYLE AND I RUN BACK HOME AND GRAB MORE GLASSES, AND MORE BREAD, AND OTHER RANDOM THINGS WE CAN FIND IN OUR KITCHEN. KYLE HAS LADEN HIS LITTLE WAGON WITH CONDIMENTS AND HAS THAT NEXT TO THE STAND, IN CASE ANYONE WANTS SOME KETCHUP OR VINEGAR WITH THEIR LEMONADE OR BREAD. I AM PUTTING JELLO POWDER IN THE LEMONADE. THINGS ARE GOING BRILLIANTLY.

THEN WE HIT A SMALL SNAG - WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF GUM (WHICH IS SELLING WELL) AND KYLE WANTS THE REST FOR HIMSELF. SO WE DECIDE TO DO A RAFFLE. KYLE RUNS AND MAKES 'TICKETS' AND I MAKE A SIGN STATING THAT ANYONE GUESSING THE CORRECT AMOUNT OF GUM BALLS IN THE MACHINE WILL WIN A FREE LEMONADE. TICKETS ARE 25 CENTS, 5 TIMES THE PRICE OF A LEMONADE.

MORE CUSTOMERS ARE COMING IN AND KYLE AND I HAVE PROBABLY MADE AT LEAST A DOLLAR AT THIS POINT. SEVERAL CUSTOMERS ASK US WHEN THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED FOR THE GUMBALL RAFFLE, WITH A HINT OF A SMILE, AND KYLE AND I REALIZE WE HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT THIS ONE THROUGH. "LATER", WE REPLY. "LATER - JUST STOP BY LATER AND WE'LL TELL YOU IF YOU'VE WON."

KYLE NOW HAS ANOTHER STROKE OF GENIUS AND RUNS HOME AND DONS HIS CUB SCOUT UNIFORM. MINE IS UNFORTUNATELY AT MY GRANDPARENTS PLACE (ANOTHER STORY), AND I SERIOUSLY FEEL REALLY LEFT OUT BECAUSE KYLE HAS HIS SCOUT UNIFORM ON AND I'M IN MY NINJA TURTLE SHORTS AND RED TSHIRT WITH A PICTURE OF FRENCH FRIES ON THE FRONT. NONETHELESS, WE ARE NOW SCOUTS SELLING LEMONADE AND HAVE A RENEWED SENSE OF WELL-BEING AND PURPOSE IN OUR LEMONADE-SELLING BUSINESS.

TIME PASSES AND BUSINESS SLOWS DOWN. LUNCHTIME COMES AND AS THERE HAVE BEEN NO CUSTOMERS FOR AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR, KYLE AND I HUNKER DOWN INTO OUR STORES AND EAT ALL THE BREAD, AND ALL THE GUM, AND FINISH OFF THE LAST OF THE LEMONADE. IT IS DELICIOUS.

SHORTLY THEREAFTER, SOME GODDAMNED JERK-ADULT COMES WALTZING UP THE STREET WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE. HE'S HOLDING HIS RAFFLE TICKET AND IS CLEARLY BACK TO TEASE THE CHILDREN SOME MORE.

"ANNOUNCED THE WINNER, YET?" HE SAYS, ALL SMILES. KYLE AND I STARE AT EACH OTHER IN HORROR, AS THERE IS NO MORE LEMONADE. OR GUMBALLS. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN COUNT THEM.

I STALL. "YES, BUT THE ANSWER IS WRITTEN AT HOME - KYLE WILL GET IT." THEN I HISS AT KYLE TO RUN HOME, WRITE DOWN A NUMBER - ANY NUMBER - ON A PIECE OF PAPER, AND GRAB A BUNCH OF LEMONS"

KYLE RUNS OFF AND I AWKWARDLY TRY TO FORM SOME SORT OF CONVERSATION WITH THE ADULT, TELLING HIM ABOUT HOW GOOD BUSINESS IS, AND HOW I THINK THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER LEMONADE STAND A FEW BLOCKS OVER (I WANT HIM TO GO). HE'S MAKING ALL THESE DUMB JOKES ABOUT HOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PAY TAXES, ETC ETC, WHEN I SPOT KYLE, RUNNING BACK TO ME EMPTY HANDED AND LOOKING SCARED.

KYLE GETS BACK, AND PAYS NO ATTENTION TO OUR CUSTOMER. "DAVE!!!" HE HISSES IN A VERY AUDIBLE TONE, "THERE AREN'T ANY LEMONS LEFT!!! WE'RE OUT OF LEMONS!!!!"

AT THIS THE ADULT GIVES US A BIG BENEVOLENT GRIN AND IS CLEARLY HAVING A GOOD TIME. KYLE LOOKS AT HIM IN UTTER HORROR, AND THEN TURNS TO HIS RIGHT TO SEE ANOTHER ADULT WALKING UP THE STREET, HOLDING ANOTHER RAFFLE TICKET HIGH UP IN THE AIR.

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR KYLE. WE'RE BOTH PRETTY SCARED THAT WE'VE PROMISED SOMEONE A FREE LEMONADE AND DON'T HAVE ANY LEMONS LEFT, BUT KYLE JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT. HE TAKES ONE MORE WILD GLANCE AT THE ADULT IN FRONT OF HIM, AND AT THE ONE MOSEYING UP THE DRIVE, AND THEN YELLS "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" AT ME, AND TEARS DOWN THE STREET IN HIS CUB SCOUT UNIFORM.

BARELY A SECOND GOES BY WHEN I SEE KYLE'S STEP-MOM DRIVE AROUND THE CORNER. SHE'S CLEARLY GONE TO DO SOME ERRANDS OR SOMETHING, AND SEES KYLE RUNNING. SHE DRIVES PAST ME, THE LEMONADE STAND, AND THE ADULTS, AND STOPS BY KYLE AND MAKES HIM GET IN THE CAR. AND THEN, AND THIS IS THE BEST PART, SHE TAKES HIM ALL THE WAY TO CUB SCOUTS BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING HIS UNIFORM AND SHE THOUGHT HE WAS LYING WHEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T HAVE A MEETING!!!!!

MEANWHILE, I'M STILL BACK AT THE STAND, AND I MAKE AMENDS SOMEHOW BY SAYING THE RAFFLE IS EXTENDED UNTIL TOMORROW, AND TEAR OUT OF THERE LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL. KYLE EVENTUALLY RETURNED HOME WITH HIS EXTREMELY ANGRY STEP-MOM, AND WE BROUGHT IN THE STAND. ALL TOLD, WE HAD USED NEARLY 30 LEMONS (MY PARENTS HAD ACTUALLY GONE TO THE GROCERY STORE TO BUY SOME MORE FOR US), AND BROUGHT IN ABOUT $1.50.

GOOD TIMES IN AYLMER!!!!

BABY TEETH

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

"I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE!" HE YELLS OUT DEFIANTELY.

"FINE," SAYS MRS. MENEEM IN A SOFT VOICE, "GO SIT DOWN IN THAT CHAIR UNTIL THE REST OF US ARE DONE."

AND THEN KYLE, WHO EVIDENTLY DIDN'T HEAR HER PROPERLY DUE TO HIS BUILDING RAGE, YELLS OUT "WELL I WON'T TODAY!!" AND THEN SITS DOWN PASSIONATELY IN THE CHAIR MRS. MENNEN JUST POINTED AT>

THERE'S A BIT OF A CONFUSED SILENCE AS MRS. MENEEN TRIED VAINLY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT JUST HAPPENED. KYLE'S JUST GLOWERING AT HER WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED ACROSS HIS WAIST. TO THIS DAY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KYLE THOUGHT MRS. MENEEN SAID, AND I DON'T THINK SHE DOES EITHER.

ANYWAY, THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, OUR OTHER FRIEND PAT DECIDES HE'S HAD ENOUGH, TOO. IN AN UNPRECEDENTED ACT OF COMPASSION AND COMRADERIE HE WALKS ACROSS THE CLASS TO WHERE KYLE IS AND SAYS, "I'M NOT DOING THIS, EITHER". AND GIVES KYLE A HEARTY SLAP ON THE BACK. THIS WOULD HAVE INDEED BEEN A PROUD MOMENT FOR ANY REBELLIOUS SIX-YEAR-OLD, ONLY WHAT HAPPENED INSTEAD IS THAT ONE OF KYLE'S BABY TEETH SHOT OUT OF HIS MOUTH LIKE A ROCKET THE SECOND PAT MADE CONTACT WITH HIS BACKSIDE. KYLE DID WHAT WE ALL DID WHEN WE LOST OUR BABY TEETH: SLOWLY FELT OVER THE AREA WITH HIS TONGUE, AND ONLY WHEN HE REALIZED THE TOOTH WAS GONE DID HE START TO PANIC.

IN THE MEANTIME, THE CLASS WENT FROM ORGANIZED ROWS OF DANCERS TO WILD MANIACS ON A SCAVENGER HUNT. AS THE TOOTH SLIDE A FEW FEET ACROSS THE FLOOR AND DISAPPEARED FROM VIEW ABOUT A DOZEN KIDS MADE LUNGES FOR IT, WHICH QUICKLY INCITED RIOT AMONG THE REST. I GUESS WE ALL MUST HAVE BEEN GREEDY CHILDREN AT THE TIME BUT I REMEMBER THIS WILD PANIC AND A WHOLE MESS OF GRABBY ARMS TURNING THE PLACE UPSIDE DOWN IN HOPES OF FINDING THE TOOTH AND MAKING A QUICK DIME OR SOMETHING.

KYLE, OF COURSE, HAS JUST WATCHED THIS WHOLE HORROR UNFOLD IN FRONT OF HIM. I HIGHLY DOUBT THERE'S ANYTHING MORE TERRIFYING TO A SIX-YEAR-OLD THAN WATCHING YOUR SO-CALLED 'FRIENDS' VORACIOUSLY TRY TO STEAL YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH. SO KYLE, INSTEAD OF REPRIMANDING PAT, INSTEAD STANDS UP AND FACES MRS. MENEEN AND YELLS OUT "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!", ISSUES A HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK I WILL TAKE WITH ME TO THE GRAVE, AND JUMPS INTO THE THRONG OF CHILDREN IN FRONT OF HIM.

MRS. MENEEN IS STILL STANDING DUMBFOUNDED AND IS PROBABLY WONDERING HOW LINE DANCING COULD HAVE GONE SO WRONG WHEN SOME KID STRAIGHTENS UP AND YELLS OUT "I'VE GOT IT!!" AND HOLDS THE BABY TOOTH HIGH UP TO HEAVEN AND THEN KYLE JUMPS UP AND STARTS BAWLING AND RUNS OUT OF THE CLASS.

PARADE

ALRIGHT SO IN SCOUTS THIS ONE WINTERY DAY EVERYONE HAD TO GET UP AT ABOUT 4AM AND OUR PARENTS HAD TO DRIVE US ALL TO THE PARKING LOT BEHIND THE BOWLING ALLEY. WE ALL GOT THERE AROUND 4:30 AND WERE GREETED BY "AKELA" AND "BALOO" AND ALL THOSE LOSER SCOUT-LEADERS. APPARENTLY THE TASK FOR THE DAY WAS TO BUILD UP A 'FLOAT' FOR THE LITTLE AYLMER PARADE (AYLMER WAS THE TOWN I GREW UP IN), WHICH CAN BE INTERPRETED AS DECORATING THE FLATBED OF AN 18-WHEELER USING SNOW, BRANCHES, AND WHATEVER LITTLE TRINKETS THE SCOUT-LEADERS BROUGHT FROM THE DOLLAR STORE OR THEIR PARENT'S BASEMENTS.

SO WE'RE SHOVELING SNOW ON THE FLATBED AND PACKING IT DOWN AND EVERYTHING'S KIND OF BORING. WE'RE ALL JOKING AROUND BUT MOST OF US CAN'T WAIT TO GET THIS OVER WITH AND GO TO THE BOWLING ALLEY WHERE OUR PARENTS WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY BUY US HAMBURGERS AND HOTDOGS, HOPEFULLY AROUND NOON.

THE SUN RISES AND THE CAMP LEADERS DOLE OUT SOME CHEAP TRAIL-MIX TO EVERYONE AND TELL US SOME ABJECT TALE ABOUT FOOD ENERGY. WE'VE ALMOST COVERED THE FLATBED WITH SNOW, AND A FEW OF US ARE MAKING LITTLE SNOWHILLS AND OTHER THINGS TO TRY AND VARY IT UP.

IT'S ABOUT THIS TIME THAT "BALOO" EXCITEDLY TELLS US HE'S GOT A HUGE SURPRISE FOR US, WHICH HE WILL SHARE IN AN HOUR. SO WE WORK A LITTLE MORE FEVERISHLY, SLAPPING PINE BRANCHES OVER THE SNOW AND TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SCENE FROM A TRANQUIL WOODS OR SOMETHING. THE HOUR PASSES QUICKLY AND SOON WE ARE ALL LOOKING OVER AT "BALOO". HE HOLDS OUT AS LONG AS HE CAN AND THEN FINALLY EXPLODES "YOU BOYS ARE GOING TO RIDE ON THE FLOAT!! NOT JUST MAKE IT!!"

I THINK SCOTT MUMBLED "WHAT THE HELL" BUT I COULDN'T BE SURE, BUT ANYWAY, NOBODY IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS. 'RIDING THE FLOAT' TRANSLATES TO 10 HOURS OF SITTING ON THE FLATBED, WAVING AT RANDOM WELFARE FAMILIES IN FREEZING CANADIAN WEATHER. INSTANTLY THE ATMOSPHERE BECOMES A LITTLE TENSE AS EVERYONE LETS THIS NEW KNOWLEDGE SINK IN.

I NOTICE A FEW KIDS TALKING QUIETLY TO THEMSELVES AND WAIT AS THE NEWS SLOWLY PASSES TO WHERE I AM. APPARENTLY SEVERAL SCOUTS HAVE DECIDED TO QUIT WORKING ON MAKING THE FLOAT "PRETTY", AND INSTEAD ARE CARVING HOLES INTO THE SNOWHILLS ON THE FLATBED SO THAT THEY HAVE A WARM AND COZY NOOK TO HIDE IN DURING THE PARADE. I FIND THIS TO BE A CAPITAL IDEA, AND PRETTY SOON ALL US ARE STANDING ON THE FLOAT, DIGGING DOWN INTO THE COMPACTED SNOW WE HAD SO CAREFULLY SHOVELLED ON JUST HOURS AGO.

WITHIN AN HOUR THE BASE OF THE FLOAT RESEMBLES A PIECE OF SWISS CHEESE; THERE ARE LITTLE HOLES ABOUT 3 FEET DEEP EVERYWHERE, SERIOUSLY COMPRIMISING THE STRUCTURE AND TENACITY OF THE BASE. MOST OF THE SCOUTS ARE TRYING TO "CAMOFLAUGE" THEIR HOLES BY DRAPING BRANCHES OVER THE HOLES, SO THAT THE CAMP LEADERS, WHO HAVE DISAPPEARED FOR THE LAST LITTLE WHILE, DON'T SEE THEM UNTIL WELL AFTER THE PARADE HAS STARTED.

THE COUNSELORS ARRIVE IN A BEAT-UP CAR, AND PULL THIS GIANT OBJECT OUT OF THE BACKSEAT. THEY UNFURL THIS ENORMOUS BANNER THAT SAYS "AYLMER CUB SCOUTS RULE!!!" AND A COUPLE OF GIANT POSTS TO HANG EACH END OF THE BANNER. WE ALL GROAN INWARDLY A LITTLE BIT BUT RESIGN OURSELVES TO OUR FATE. "THIS WILL BE OUR CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT!!" YELLS OUT BALOO IN WHAT I DETERMINE TO BE FRANTIC HYSTERIA - THAT DUDE ALWAYS GOT SO WORKED UP OVER NOTHING.

WE THROW ON A FEW EXTRA BRANCHES AND ARE EACH GIVEN A SMALL HORDE OF CANDY CANES TO THROW AT THE WELFARE FAMILIES. OF COURSE MOST OF THEM ARE GONE WITHIN MINUTES, BUT NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT THAT. THE CAMP LEADERS ARE PRACTICALLY WETTING THEMSELVES AS THEY MOUNT THE FLATBED. MIRACULOUSLY THEY EITHER DON'T SEE ALL THE HOLES, OR DON'T CARE.

THEY PLACE THEIR TWO POSTS FIRMLY IN THE COMPACTED SNOW, AND STRING THE "AYLMER CUB SCOUTS RULE!!!" BANNER ACROSS THEM, AND IT LOOKS REALLY REALLY BAD. IT'S ALMOST 10AM, AND THE PARADE IS ABOUT TO START. THE TRUCK DRIVER SHOWS UP AND "BALOO" YELLS, "ALL ABOARD!!" OR SOMETHING EQUALLY DUMB AND WE ALL CLIMB UP ONTO THE FLATBED.

THE LEADERS GET IN THE FRONT WITH THE TRUCK DRIVER AND WE'RE OFF AT 5MPH. WE WAIT UNTIL WE'RE ON THE MAIN ROAD AND ARE FIRMLY LODGED BETWEEN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LEFTOVER FLOAT FROM THE SANTA-CLAUS PARADE, AND THE BOOKMOBILE FROM SCHOOL. WE CAN SEE A FEW FAMILIES OFF IN THE DISTANCE, WAVING LIKE LUNATICS.

AS SOON AS WE APPROACH A THIN HERD OF BYSTANDERS WE DECIDE IT'S COLD ENOUGH AND EVERYONE MAKES A DASH FOR THEIR SNOW-HOLE. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT THIS MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE TO ANYBODY ON THE STREET - ONE MINUTE THERE'S A FLOAT WITH A DOZEN YOUNG BOYS ON IT, THE NEXT MINUTE THERE'S NOTHING BUT BRANCHES AND A SIGN ABOUT HOW "AYLMER CUB SCOUTS RULE!!". OH, AND THERE'S ADRIAN.

ADRIAN, YOU SEE, GOT TOTALLY FUCKED ON THE DEAL, BECAUSE WHEN THE SCOUT LEADERS PUT UP THE POSTS FOR THE BANNER THEY LODGED ONE OF THEM RIGHT IN HIS SNOWHOLE, EFFECTLY BLOCKING IT. SO HE'S RUNNING AROUND LIKE A SCARED RABBIT, TRYING TO SEE IF ANYONE HAS EXTRA ROOM IN THEIR HOLE. OF COURSE NO ONE IS WILLING TO SHARE.

HIS FIRST PLAN FAILED, ADRIAN THEN DECIDES TO PULL THE POST OUT OF HIS HOLE. SO HE THROWS HIS LITTLE BODY AGAINST THE POST AND LIFTS IT UP WITH ALL HIS MIGHT - IT'S NOT THAT HEAVY AND HE GETS IT OUT. OF COURSE IT TOPPLES OVER THE THAT'S THE END OF THE BANNER. I LOOK OVER AT THE FRONT OF THE TRUCK, AND CAN SEE "BALOO", LOOKING ABSOLUTELY APPALLED, AND MAKING THESE RIDICULOUS 'LIFTING' GESTURES WITH HIS HANDS.

ADRIAN FOR SOME REASON DECIDES TO COMPLY, AND GETS THE POLE BACK UPRIGHT. THE BANNER CATCHES IN THE WIND AND ONCE AGAIN THINGS LOOK KIND OF NORMAL - ONLY NOW ADRIAN NEEDS TO MAKE A NEW HOLE FOR THE POST.

HE DECIDES, FOR WHATEVER REASON, TO MAKE THIS CLOSER TO THE CENTER OF THE FLATBED. HE'S HOLDING THE POST WITH BOTH HANDS AND IS STABBING IT DOWNWARDS THROUGH THE COMPACTED SNOW. IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH SOME ICE WITH A LOG OR SOMETHING. HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS, AND I KIND OF HUNCH DOWN IN MY HOLE SINCE THE WIND IS GETTING PRETTY FIERCE.

MY VIEW OBSCURED, I CAN NOW ONLY HEAR ADRIAN POUNDING THE POST DOWN THROUGH THE SNOW. IT'S SOUNDING REALLY LOUD, AND THEN SUDDENLY I HEAR THE SMACKING SOUND AS THE POST HITS THE WOODEN BOTTOM OF THE FLATBED, FOLLOWED BY THIS ENORMOUS "WHOOOOSH" AND THEN A LOT OF YELLING.

I QUICKLY STAND UP IN MY HOLE AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON - WHEN ADRIAN BROKE THROUGH TO THE BOTTOM WITH THE POST, THE WHOLE BACK HALF OF THE FLOAT SEPARATED AND FELL OFF THE FLATBED. SERIOUSLY WEAKENED BY THE SNOWHOLES, THE COMPACTED SNOW JUST SORT OF GAVE WAY AND SLID RIGHT OFF. OF COURSE THERE WERE SEVERAL KIDS IN THE BACK OF THE FLOAT WHO FELL OFF WITH THE SNOW AND THE BRANCHES AND IT'S A WONDER THAT THEY WEREN'T ALL CRUSHED TO DEATH BY THE BOOKMOBILE BUT NOBODY WAS SERIOUSLY HURT. I REMEMBER A BUNCH OF FAMILIES AND PEOPLE ON THE SIDEWALKS RAN OUT AND STARTED PICKING LITTLE CUB SCOUTS OUT OF THE SNOW AND RUNNING BACK TO THE SIDEWALKS WITH THEM, AND I REMEMBER ADRIAN STANDING THERE HOLDING THAT POST LIKE HE HAD JUST LANDED ON THE MOON AND IT WAS THE US FLAG, AND I REMEMBER BALOO LOOKING ABSOLUTELY STUNNED BY THE WHOLE THING.

KICKED IN THE THROAT

ALRIGHT SO I'M IN CLASS, GRADE 3, MY TEACHER IS MRS. MENEZOS AND SHE'S PRETTY INSANE AND IS TRYING TO TEACH US HOW TO LINEDANCE EVEN THOUGH WE'RE SUPPOSE TO BE LEARNING ABOUT THE PLANETS OR LONG DIVISION OR DOING REPORTS ON BEVERLY CLEARY STORIES. I'M LOOKING AT THE BIG POSTER ON THE SIDE WALL, IT'S GOT A LIST OF EVERYONE'S NAME IN THE CLASS AND BESIDE EACH NAME IS A LONG ROW OF GOLD STARS EARNED BY THAT PARTICULAR STUDENT, USUALLY FOR GETTING A GOOD MARK ON A TEST OR DOING PARTICULAR WELL AT AN ACTIVITY.

MY LINE OF STARS IS ABOUT AS LONG AS THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL ANYONE'S GOING TO CATCH UP TO ME. I'VE SPENT MOST OF THIS YEAR MAKING SURE I'M WELL AHEAD OF THE COMPETITION (JEFF) BECAUSE MRS. MENEZOS SAID AT THE END OF THE YEAR THE STUDENT WITH THE MOST STARS WILL GET A SURPRISE. AND I LIKE SURPRISES.

SO ANYWAY I'M THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS WHEN THE INTERCOM SYSTEM GOES ON AND I'M CALLED TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL - ONLY BAD STUDENTS GET CALLED TO THE OFFICE, AS YOU ALL KNOW, AND I'M ONE OF THE BEST STUDENTS IN SCHOOL. AN INQUISITIVE MURMUR RUNS THROUGH THE CLASS LIKE A COLD BREEZE AND I GET UP IN A BIT OF A PANIC AND GO OUT INTO THE HALL.

SCHOOL HALLS ARE QUIET AND EERIE WHEN CLASS IS IN, AND I'M NOT VERY PLEASED ABOUT ANYTHING. I WALK INTO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. IT SMELLS LIKE THOSE PINK PEARL ERASERS AND HOT DOG BUNS WHICH IS ACTUALLY PROBABLY COMING FROM THE CAFETERIA. WHAT IS MOST NOTICEABLE, THOUGH, IS KYLE, WHO IS SITTING IN A CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY WHILE THE PRINCIPAL MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM TRIES TO CONSOLE HIM. SHE SEEMS POSITIVELY RELIEVED WHEN I ENTER THE ROOM AND EXPLAINS THE SITUATION.

"WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM - WE'VE CALLED HIS FATHER BUT HE'S NOT AT HOME, AND THE ONLY THING HE'S ASKED SO FAR IS TO SPEAK TO YOU."

THIS RINGS A VERY SMALL BELL. A YEAR AGO IN GRADE TWO THE SAME GODDAMNED THING HAPPENED, ONLY WITH MY SISTER - SHE HAD BEEN STUNG BY A BEE AND SPENT A SOLID HOUR IN THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE BLUBBERING AWAY AND GENERALLY PERPLEXING EVERYONE IN SIGHT UNTIL THE SECRETARY FINALLY WAS ABLE TO MAKE OUT THE WORDS "I.. WANT.. DAVE!!"

I GRIP KYLE BY THE SHOULDERS AND ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

KYLE PAUSES SOBBING JUST LONG ENOUGH TO BLURT OUT "I WAS KICKED IN THE THROAT!"

A FAINT SMILE APPEARS ON MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM'S FACE AND SHE RELAXES A LITTLE BIT. I GUESS SHE NO LONGER THINKS THAT KYLE'S ON HIS DEATHBED.

"KICKED IN THE THROAT?" HEGGINBOTTOM IS BACK IN CONTROL; "WELL WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT! KYLE, WE'RE GOING TO CALL YOUR PARENTS AGAIN, AND WE'LL GET ONE OF THEM TO TAKE YOU HOME."

"TRY HIS STEP-MOM" I SUGGEST, KNOWING THERE'S A BETTER CHANCE SHE'S AROUND, "AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, JUST CALL MY MOM".

THE SECRETARY PICKS UP THE PHONE. SHE'S UNABLE TO GET THROUGH TO KYLE'S STEP-MOM, BUT MY MOTHER PICKS UP. UNFORTUNATELY SHE'S HEADING OUT FOR AN APPOINTMENT SHE CAN'T BREAK.

"PERHAPS DAVE CAN WALK KYLE BACK TO YOUR PLACE?" MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM SUGGESTS. KYLE'S STILL CRYING AND SHAKING AND CLUTCHING HIS THROAT LIKE HE WAS ATTACKED BY A WOLF AND I'M STARTING TO GET A LITTLE EXCITED THAT I MIGHT GET TO GO HOME.

MY MOM AGREES AND THE PRINCIPAL TELLS ME TO GET KYLE HOME AND TO BED. THIS LITTLE TALK WITH MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM HAS MADE ME FEEL LIKE I'M 12 YEARS AND TAKE THE REPONSIBILITY TO HEART. "COME ON, KYLE" I CROON GENTLY "LET'S GET YOU HOME AND ALL TUCKED IN."

KYLE AND I BEGIN OUR TREK HOME TO THE EVIDENT APPEASEMENT OF THE PRINCIPAL AND SECRETARY. KYLE, SLIGHTLY MOLLIFIED BY MY COMPANY, HOBBLES ALONGSIDE ME, SNIFFING EVERY COUPLE OF SECONDS. I PUT AN ARM AROUND HIM AND GIVE MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM WHAT I HOPE TO BE A RESPONSIBLE, MOTHERLY SORT OF LOOK, AND OUT WE GO.

IT'S A 10 MINUTE WALK BACK HOME AND MOST OF IT IS ACCOMPLISHED ON A PATH THROUGH THE WOODS BEHIND THE SCHOOL. THE SECOND WE GET TO THE WOODS KYLE WIPES HIS EYES AND NOSE AND MIRACULOUSLY CONVALESCES RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED!!" HE SHOUTS IN AMAZEMENT.

I THINK AT THAT POINT IN TIME THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF SKIPPING SCHOOL WAS FOREIGN TO ME BECAUSE I REMEMBER REGARDING KYLE IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF. WE RESUME WALKING. I AM TOTALLY STUNNED.

KYLE'S BUOYANT AS EVER. "NOW WE HAVE THE DAY OFF!" HE STARTS WHISTLING AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE DOWN THE STREET IN FRONT OF ME. MY AMAZEMENT IS SLOWLY GIVING WAY TO ANGER AND I ADDRESS KYLE WITH AS MUCH ACRIMONY AS I CAN MUSTER.

"KYLE YOU MORON, I HAVE A TEST LATER TODAY AND IF I DON'T DO IT I'M NOT GOING TO GET A GOLD STAR AND YOU KNOW I NEED THOSE GOLD STARS!".

KYLE LOOKS AT ME WITH A HINT OF AMUSEMENT IN HIS FACE. WE'VE LEFT THE FOREST AND HAVE TURNED ONTO OUR STREET. SINCE IT'S WARM OUT WE BOTH TAKE OFF OUR SHOES AND WALK BAREFOOT. (WE ALWAYS DID THIS WALKING TO AND FROM SCHOOL). I'M GETTING ANGRIER BY THE MINUTE.

"NO, REALLY, KYLE, THIS ISN'T AWESOME AT ALL! I NEED TO DO THAT TEST! " I'M JUST FURIOUS NOW. KYLE'S PRETTY GOOD AT RECOGNIZING WHEN I'M ANGRY, AND HE LOOKS AT ME FOR ABOUT HALF A SECOND AND THEN TEARS DOWN THE STREET.

I START RUNNING AFTER HIM, SHOUTING OUT THREATS. KYLE PUTS ON AN EXTRA BURST OF SPEED AND ROUNDS THE CORNER TO HIS BACKYARD WHEN HE SUDDENLY CRUMPLES TO HIS SIDE. I QUICKLY CATCH UP TO HIM - HE'S HOLDING HIS FOOT. I TAKE A LOOK AND AM APPALLED - HE'S SPLIT HIS HEEL OPEN. THERE'S THIS FINE BLOOD-RED LINE RUNNING ALMOST RIDE DOWN THE CENTER OF HIS HEEL AND IT'S BEGINNING TO BLEED.

"KYLE, THIS DOESN'T LOOK VERY GOOD" I CONFESS. KYLE'S EYES ARE WELLING UP WITH TEARS AND IN A BIT OF A PANIC I SEE HE'S GETTING READY TO CRY AGAIN. I'M RIGHT. WITHIN MINUTES HE'S BAWLING AGAIN AND CLUTCHING HIS FOOT LIKE HE STEPPED IN A TRAP. I'M WONDERING HOW TO GET HIM HOME.

IT'S AT THIS EXACT MOMENT THAT KYLE'S STEP-MOM MAKES AN APPEARANCE. SHE'S DRIVING DOWN THE STREET IN HER CAR AND IS OBVIOUSLY A BIT CONFUSED AS TO WHY HER STEP-SON AND HIS BEST FRIEND ARE SQUATTING IN A DITCH BAREFOOT ON A SCHOOL DAY. SHE PULLS THE CAR OVER. SINCE KYLE'S ALWAYS CRYING SHE'S NOT TOO CONCERNED YET, AND ASKS ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

KYLE INTERRUPTS BEFORE I CAN SAY ANYTHING. "I WAS KICKED IN THROAT!!!" HE BAWLS OUT IN COMPLETE FRUSTRATION, STILL CLUTCHING HIS FOOT WITH BOTH HANDS AND LYING ON HIS BACK. "AND DAVE DID IT!".

THE REST OF THIS LITTLE EPISODE IS MERCIFULLY BLURRED. I REMEMBER I WAS SENT TO MY ROOM AND MY MOM WAS CALLED, AND I REMEMBER I WASN'T EXONERATED UNTIL A FEW CALLS TO THE SCHOOL WERE PLACED. EVEN THEN I SEEM TO RECALL GETTING A STERN TALKING-TO BECAUSE I CHASED KYLE. WORST OF ALL, I MISSED THE TEST AND JEFF GOT A GOLD STAR.

TREASURE HUNT

ALRIGHT SO LIKE THIS ONE BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY MORNING I DECIDE TO CREATE THIS ELABORATE 'TREASURE HUNT' FOR KYLE. I THINK THIS WAS GRADE 4 BECAUSE I REMEMBER AROUND THE SAME TIME WE GOT TO DISSECT OWL PELLETS (OWL PUKE) IN CLASS BECAUSE WE HAD AN AWESOME TEACHER AND I DISCOVERED AN ENTIRE RAT SKELETON IN MY OWL PELLET. SO ANYWAY I'M ABOUT 9.

SO I'M UP BRIGHT AND EARLY AND HAVE FOREGONE THE USUAL SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS TO PLAN MY TREASURE HUNT. I GRAB A BUNCH OF JELLYBEANS FROM THE KITCHEN AND PUT THEM IN A MASON JAR AND BURY THE JAR IN THE GROUND AT THE VERY END OF OUR STREET, UNDER A BUNCH OF TIGER LILLIES.

THEN I GRAB A PAD OF PAPER AND START WRITING THESE LITTLE RIDICULOUS 'CLUES'. EACH CLUE BASICALLY JUST SAYS SOMETHING LIKE "THE NEXT CLUE IS IN A BIRD'S NEST IN A TREE BY THE DRIVEWAY" AND "THE NEXT CLUE IS UNDER A BIG ROCK BY THE RIVER" AND STUFF LIKE THAT. I SERIOUSLY MUST HAVE MADE ABOUT 150 OF THESE 'CLUES', AND THEN I WORKED BACKWARDS FROM THE CANDY TO PLANT THEM ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD. BY LUNCHTIME I HAD THEM ALL HIDDEN WITH THE FIRST 'CLUE' IN KYLE'S MAILBOX.

SO I GO OVER TO KYLE'S, EAGER FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT TO START. I ASK KYLE IF HE'S CHECKED HIS MAIL YET, WHICH ALONE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THE GAME AWAY BECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING A KID NEVER ASKS ANOTHER KID. HOWEVER KYLE'S A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, AND HE SEEMS TO THINK MY QUESTION IS AN ACCEPTABLE ONE AND WE AGREEABLY WALK DOWN HIS DRIVEWAY TO THE MAILBOX.

KYLE FINDS THE FIRST CLUE AND JUST FUCKING ERUPTS. "DAVE!!! DAVE!!!" HE YELLS AT ME. I HAVE COYLY STAYED A FEW FEET AWAY AND AM GUILELESSLY KICKING AT THE GRASS PRETENDING TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS. "DAVE!! DAVE!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!"

SO I WALK OVER AT AN INTENTIONALLY SLOW PACE AND WATCH WITH PLEASURE AS KYLE JUMPS AROUND ALL OVER THE GODDAMNED PLACE. "IT'S GOT TO BE TREASURE!! IT'S GOT TO BE TREASURE!! JUST LIKE THAT BOOK WE'RE READING IN CLASS!!!"

"WHAT DOES IT SAY, KYLE!!" I ASK INNOCENTLY AND HE STUTTERS OVER THE FIRST CLUE. "GO TO THE.. WE GOT TO GO TO THE... TO THE POND IN BILL'S BACKYARD!!! WE GOT TO GO TO THE POND!!"

KYLE STARTS RUNNING FLAT OUT TOWARDS THE POND AND I FOLLOW HIM WITH A BIG SMILE. THIS IS GOING TO BE JUST GREAT. BY THE TIME I ARRIVE KYLE'S ALREADY KNOCKED IN ABOUT 8 ROCKS AND HAS KILLED A GOLDFISH LOOKING FOR THE NEXT 'CLUE', BUT OF COURSE HE EVENTUALLY FINDS IT AND WE'RE OFF ONCE MORE, THIS TIME TO THE DECK IN FRONT OF OUR NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.

THE NEXT HOUR IS PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS. OCCASIONALLY I'VE HIDDEN A 'CLUE' TOO WELL AND KYLE CAN'T FIND IT, BUT WHENEVER THIS OCCURS I MIRACULOUSLY STUMBLE ACROSS IT AND PICK UP THE SCENT AGAIN. KYLE IS PRACTICALLY WETTING HIMSELF HE'S SO EXCITED.

SO THE TREASURE HUNT TAKES US ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND AT ONE POINT WE'RE TURNING DOWN HEMLOCK STREET WHICH IS ABOUT 5 BLOCKS AWAY FROM WHERE WE LIVE. WE ROUND THE CORNER AND KYLE IMMEDIATELY FLOCKS TO THE STOP SIGN AND STARTS PAWING AROUND IN THE DIRT FOR THE NEXT CLUE. HE CAN'T FIND IT. AT THIS POINT I'M KIND OF STARTING TO FORGET MYSELF WHERE I'VE HIDDEN HALF OF THESE DAMN THINGS, AND ABSENT-MINDEDLY BEGIN TO SEARCH AROUND THE STOPSIGN WITH KYLE.

I SAY ABSENT-MINDEDLY BECAUSE I'M STARING DOWN THE STREET AT A GROUP OF ABOUT 4 OR 5 KIDS MY AGE WHO I DON'T KNOW, WHO SEEM TO BE AWFULLY EXCITED. THEY'RE RUNNING FROM ONE SIDE OF THE STREET TO ANOTHER, GROUPING TOGETHER HERE AND THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES AT A TIME UNTIL SOMEONE ISSUES A LOUD GLEEFUL SHOUT AND THEN THEY'RE OFF AGAIN. ALL THE WHILE THEY ARE GETTING FURTHER DOWN THE STREET AND DISAPPEARING FROM VIEW.

I SWEAR IT TAKES ME LIKE 5 MINUTES OF WATCHING THIS AND LISTENING TO KYLE'S STRANGE INTERPRETATIONS OF THE CLUE ("WHERE IS IT?!? WHERE IS IT?!?! MAYBE STOP-SIGN MEANS SOMETHING ELSE... HMMMM.. STOP... SIGN... MAYBE THE ROOF?") BEFORE I REALIZE THAT THOSE DAMN KIDS DOWN THE STREET HAVE LUMBERED ACROSS MY GODDAMNED TREASURE-HUNT AND ARE HOT ON THE TRAIL.

I ACT QUICKLY AND MAKE UP SOME SORT OF VERY IRRATIONAL REASONING: "KYLE!!! MAYBE THEY MEAN THE STOP-SIGN DOWN THE STREET!!" I SUGGEST WEAKLY. I'M THINKING AHEAD AS MANY CLUES AS I CAN - I NEED TO SOMEHOW HEAD OFF THOSE OTHER KIDS BEFORE THEY GET TO THE CANDY.

WE RUN BY THE LITTLE GROUP THAT'S CAUSING ME SO MUCH DISTRESS. THEY'RE A GOOD 10 CLUES AHEAD OF US AND I REALIZE I NEED TO GET KYLE ON A DIFFERENT BLOCK ALTOGETHER IF THERE'S TO BE ANY HOPE OF US SALVAGING THE HUNT. I FEEBLY SUGGEST WE TRY ANOTHER STOP-SIGN OVER ON WALNUT STREET AND KYLE, THANK GOD, AGREES TO IT WITHOUT ANY QUESTIONING.

ON WALNUT STREET I PRETEND TO 'TRIP' AND BY DIVINE PROVIDENCE UNEARTH A NEW CLUE. KYLE IS ABSOLUTELY OVERJOYED. THE LAST 15 MINUTES HAVE EVIDENTLY BEEN EXTREMELY HARD ON HIM AND HE IS JUST TICKLED PINK TO BE BACK IN THE HUNT. I MYSELF CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL A LITTLE SMUG ABOUT MY QUICK THINKING. I CHUCKLE IN DELIGHT AT THE THOUGHT OF THE LITTLE TEAM OF GUMSHOES BACK ON HEMLOCK STREET COMING TO AN INEVITABLE DEAD END.

SO WE RESUME THE TREASURE HUNT, AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON, AS WE ARE APPROACHING THE END OF OUR STREET. WE HEAD DOWN PINE AVENUE AND TURN THE CORNER. KYLE'S FINDING ALL THE CLUES EASILY AND IS MORE EXCITED THAN ANYONE I'VE EVER SEEN. WE'RE ALMOST HOME FREE NOW, AND I'M ALMOST SAD MY LITTLE DISTRACTION IS COMING TO AN END.

SO KYLE IS ON THE LAST CLUE, WHICH SAYS SOMETHING TO THE EXTENT OF "TURN LEFT AND DIG UNDER THE TIGER LILLIES" AND WE ROUND THE VERY LAST CORNER AND ARE REWARDED WITH THE SIGHT OF CHRIS, THE FAT TUBBY KID DOWN THE STREET WHO NOBODY LIKES, SITTING IN THE DIRT EATING A BUNCH OF DIRTY JELLYBEANS AND SMACKING HIS LIPS IN ECSTACY.

KYLE LOOKS HEARTBROKEN. I AM JUST ABOUT READY TO KILL CHRIS BUT I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING FOR FEAR OF GIVING AWAY THE GAME. CHRIS LOOKS AT ME AND HIS LITTLE PIGGY EYES GLINT IN THE SUN. HE SHOVES ANOTHER HANDFUL OF JELLYBEANS INTO HIS CAVERNOUS MOUTH.

"HEY DAVE!" I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR JELLYBEANS GETTING STUCK IN HIS BRACES. "I WATCHED YOU BURY THESE THIS MORNING FROM MY BEDROOM WINDOW. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND."

REEDS

ALRIGHT SO I SHOWED PROMISE IN PRESCHOOL AND WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS SPECIAL 'EARLY START' PROGRAM WITH 3 OTHER LOSERS IN MY PROVINCE AND WE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF OUR KINDERGARTEN YEAR IN A MUSEUM. KIND OF SWEET, BUT I DIDN'T LEARN MUCH AND WHEN I WENT TO A REGULAR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN GRADE ONE I WAS THROWN INTO THESE SPECIAL 'ENRICHMENT' CLASSES BECAUSE OF IT. ENRICHMENT SUCKED. IT WAS DONE OVER HALF OF OUR LUNCH AND THE 'BRIGHT' KIDS FROM GRADES 1-6 WOULD GET TOGETHER AND WE'D BE GIVEN THESE RIDICULOUS PROJECTS.

ANYWAY I REMEMBER THIS ONE YEAR THE PROJECT FOR THE ENRICHMENT KIDS IN GRADES 1-3 WAS TO DO SOME LOSER PRESENTATION OF 'THE LOON' OR SOMETHING, WHICH WAS THIS TOTALLY RANDOM INDIAN/NATIVE AMERICAN NARRATIVE THAT INVOLVED THINGS LIKE TREE SPIRITS AND MENORRAHS AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

ANYWAY I AM PRETTY SURE OUR ENRICHMENT TEACHER HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT IN HER HEAD BECAUSE SHE SUGGESTED WE HANG UP A SHEET AND MAKE A TON OF CARDBOARD CUTOUTS AND THEN BUY A REALLY POWERFUL BULB AND DO A SHADOW-PRESENTATION WHERE THE AUDIENCE WOULD ONLY SEE THE SILHOUETTES OF OUR CUTOUTS PRESSED GAAINST THE SHEETS, ILLUMINATED FROM BEHIND BY THE BULB. WHICH IS KIND OF DUMB BUT OF COURSE NOBODY FELT LIKE ARGUING SO THIS IS WHAT WE DID.

JEFF AND I IMMEDIATELY GOT SCREWED AND HAD TO DO ALL THE CUTOUTS FOR SCENERY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, 'THE LOON' IS PRIMARILY BASED IN THE GODDAMNED REEDS, WHICH IS THE WORST SORT OF SCENERY TO MAKE IF YOU'RE DOING CARDBOARD CUTOUTS AND JEFF AND I WERE REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME OF IT. I WAS SUGGESTED WE JUST TAPE A BUNCH OF COMBS TOGETHER AND PUT THAT UP AGAINST THE SHEET BUT THE TEACHER SHOT IT DOWN FOR NO GOOD REASON AND JEFF AND I SPENT HOURS MAKING THE SCENERY.

SO OTHER KIDS ARE MAKING CUTOUTS OF THE CHARACTERS AND EASY THINGS LIKE THAT, AND WE'RE GLUING THEM TO STRAIGHTENED-OUT COAT HANGERS SO THAT THE PUPPETEERS CAN MANIPULATE THEM ACROSS THE SCREEN WITHOUT THEIR HANDS CASTING SHADOWS AND THIS IS REALLY TURNING INTO A BIG THING AND SOMEHOW THE TEACHER DECIDES WE SHOULD PRESENT THIS LITTLE SHOW IN THE AUDITORIUM IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.

SO THE BIG DAY COMES, JEFF AND I ARE SITTING TO THE SIDE, THERE ARE PEOPLE'S PARENTS HERE FOR SOME REASON, AND THE MAIN PUPPETEER IS THIS GIRL WHO I ACTAULLY THINK WAS NAMED SADDAM. SADDAM WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOON, AND SHE HAD OBVIOUSLY BEEN FEELING PRETTY IMPORTANT AND IT WAS ALL SHE TALKED ABOUT FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.

SO THE AUDITORIUM LIGHTS GO OUT AND A HUSH SETTLES OVER THE CROWDS AND THEN THAT SINGLE 800 WATT BULB IS TURNED ON AND THE BED-SHEET-SCREEN IS ILLUMINATED. OUR GODDAMNED REEDS AND TREES ARE LEANED UP AGAINST IT AND JEFF AND I SMILE IN SATISFACTION BECAUSE THAT SHIT LOOKS DAMN GOOD. THE TEACHER TURNS ON THE TAPE DECK AND THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH THE SOUNDS OF A LOON CALLING, BIRD CHIRPS, RUNNING WATER, SOME NATIVE AMERICANS DOING A POW-WOW FAR OFF IN THE DISTANCE, YOU KNOW, NATURE THINGS. THEN THE BOY WHO WAS SELECTED TO NARRATE BEGINS:

"LONG AGO, WHEN THE WORLD WAS GREEN, A SINGLE LOON SWAM ALL ALONE IN A SACRED LAKE WITH EMERALD SHORES"

OR YOU KNOW, SOMETHING RIDICULOUS. SADDAM PICKS UP HER LOON BY THE COAT-HANGER AND MAKES THE LOON DO THIS RIDICULOUS LITTLE HOPPY DANCE ACROSS THE SHEET.. THAT IS UNTIL SHE ACCIDENTLY TOUCHES HER HAND AGAINST THE BULB SOMEHOW. ALL WE HEAR IS THIS SLIGHT HISSING NOISE, SADDAM CRYING OUT IN PAIN, AND THE LOON TAKES THIS TERRIBLE FALL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SHEET AND KNOCKS OVER OUR GODDAMNED SCENERY.

THEN ALL YOU HEAR IS JEFF YELL OUT "MY REEDS! MY FUCKING REEDS!" AND LIKE THIS IS GRADE 1. 6 YEAR OLDS DON'T SAY 'FUCK' IN FRONT OF GROWNUPS AND TEACHERS. THE LIGHTS GO ON AND THERE'S ALL THIS CONFUSION. SADDAM HAS BURNT HER HAND PRETTY BADLY, THERE'S A LITTLE 'TEAM' OF PEOPLE ATTENDING HER WOUNDS, THE ENRICHMENT TEACHER IS TRYING TO KEEP THE SHOW GOING, EVERYBODY IS STARING IN MY DIRECTION AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO SWORE, AND ABOVE ALL OF THIS I CAN STILL FAINTLY HERE THE NATIVES DOING THERE LITTLE POW-WOW HEYA-HOYA'S BECAUSE NOBODY HAS STOPPED THE TAPE.

THE NEXT YEAR AT ENRICHMENT WE HAD THE SAME TEACHER AND OUR PROJECT WAS TO MAKE OUR OWN BOARD GAME.

PAMELA

MAN SO IN GRADE 1 I HAD MY FIRST 'CRUSH' ON THIS GIRL NAMED PAMELA WHO WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL. SHE WAS IN MY GYM CLASS AND WE USE TO START OFF GYM WITH OUR IDIOT TEACHER MR. BILEN PUTTING IN SOME 80S JAM IN THE TAPEDECK AND THEN WE'D ALL RUN LAPS TO 'GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, GET INTO MY CAR!!' OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY PAMELA WOULD ALWAYS LAP THE REST OF THE CLASS WITHIN MINUTES. CHRIST SHE WAS FAST.

ANYWAY ONE DAY AT LUNCH IN THE PLAYGROUND I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DID SOMETHING SUPER NICE FOR HER OR I HELPED HER UP WHEN SHE FELL OR SOMETHING, BUT ANYWAY SHE DECIDED TO 'REWARD' ME BY TELLING ME ON MONDAY WE COULD HOLD HANDS WHILE WE RAN LAPS AROUND THE GYM. IT WAS LIKE TUESDAY AT THIS POINT.

SO EVERY DAY THAT WEEK AFTER SCHOOL I WOULD GO HOME AND RUN LAPS AROUND MY HOUSE, TRYING TO GET FASTER. I WAS SO WORRIED THAT SHE WOULD BE DRAGGING ME BEHIND HER IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS AT GYM. I THINK ACTUALLY DID GET FASTER, BUT I WAS STILL WORRIED. SUNDAY NIGHT FOUND ME IN MY ROOM CRYING BECAUSE I STILL DIDN'T THINK I WAS FAST ENOUGH AND WAS SERIOUSLY TERRIFIED AND DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

NEXT DAY AT GYM PAMELA SINGLES ME OUT RIGHT AWAY AND TELLS ME TO HOLD HER HAND. WE'RE ALL STANDING AROUND AT THIS POINT AND MR. BILEN PUTS IN THE FLAVOR OF THE WEEK AND WE ALL START RUNNING. INSTANTLY I FEEL MYSELF GETTING YANKED FORWARD BY PAMELA WHO IS MOVING LIKE A GODDAMNED BULLET AND SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!! FASTER!!' AND SHE'S STRINGING ME ALL AROUND THE GODDAMNED GYM AND IT'S JUST LIKE MY NIGHTMARES.

ANYWAY EVERYTIME SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!!' I ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO SOMEHOW RUN 'HARDER' AND IT'S TOTALLY WORKING. BY LIKE THE 8TH OR 9TH TIME SHE'S YELLED OUT 'FASTER!!' I'M ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HER AND I FEEL LIKE GODDAMNED HERMES HIMSELF AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'FASTER!!' AND I ACTUALLY START BEATING HER. AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'OKAY THAT'S TOO FAST!' AND I REMEMBER THE WHOLE CLASS IS JUST STARING AT ME IN TOTAL DISBELIEF AND EVEN MR. BILEN SEEMS TO HAVE LOST SOME OF HIS COLOR AND FOR THE REST OF ELEMENTARY I WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL.

BANK-ROBBED

OH AND VERY QUICKLY

I WAS PLAYING MONOPOLY WITH KYLE ONCE, AND THIS KID SERIOUSLY CAN'T GET ANYTHING STRAIGHT AND DEFINITELY IS NO GOOD AT ANY BOARD GAME AND WHENEVER WE PLAYED MONOPOLY HE WAS USUALLY BUST BY THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME HE WENT AROUND 'GO'.

ANYWAY THIS ONE TIME HE WENT OUT EXCEPTIONALLY EARLY, EVEN FOR HIM, AND HE THREW HIS LITTLE METAL IRON PIECE ACROSS THE ROOM IN ANGER AND YELLED OUT "I HATE BEING BANK-ROBBED!!!"

COMPASS QUEST

SO IN CUBS OUR CAMP 'LEADERS' ALL HAD THESE RIDICULOUS FAKE NAMES THAT WERE TAKEN FROM THE JUNGLE BOOK AND WE WERE SUPPOSE TO ADDRESS THEM AS SUCH. NONE OF THE KIDS WHERE VERY HAPPY WITH THIS, AND EVEN AT AN EARLY AGE WE ALL REALIZED OUR CAMP WAS BEING RUN BY A BUNCH OF NERDY TRY-HARDS WHO SEEMED TO HAVE A THING IF YOUNG BOYS CALLED THEM 'AKELA' OR 'BALOO'.

ANYWAY SO WE HAD TO DO THIS WINTER CAMP ENDURANCE EMBARASSMENT. IT BOILED DOWN TO SPENDING A FRIGID NIGHT IN A GODDAMNED BARN IN JANUARY. IT WAS AWFUL. I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS FAT KID NAMED MARK WHO SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT MAKING ALL THESE LITTLE LABOROUS NOISES AND GENERALLY SOUNDING FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A BEACHED WHALE. I ALSO REMEMBER AT ABOUT 2 IN THE MORNING (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO COLD TO SLEEP), SOMEONE TOLD MARK THAT THERE WERE 'CORN CHIPS' HIDDEN IN THE HAY SOMEWHERE, AND THEN MARK WENT VERY STILL FOR A WHILE AND THEN 15 MINUTES LATER WE HEARD HIM MUNCHING. SINCE THERE WERE NO 'CORN CHIPS' WE ASSUMED HE WAS ACTUALLY EATING HAY.

SO ANYWAY THE LAST DAY OF THIS WINTER CAMP ABORTION WE WAKE UP TO FIND OUT THE CAMP LEADERS HAVE DECIDED TO TEACH US HOW TO USE A COMPASS. WE ARE TIRED, BROKEN MEN AT THIS POINT AND IN NO MOOD FOR THESE SHENANINGANS. AKELA OR AKIRA OR WHATEVER IS THRUSTING THESE PIECES OF PAPER WITH INSTRUCTIONS TO ALL THE KIDS. THERE HAVE GOT TO BE ABOUT 400 DIRECTIONS ON THIS PAPER, ALL SAYING THINGS LIKE "GO 55 DEGREES NWN FOR 400 PACES UNTIL YOU SEE A TREE SHAPED LIKE A BARREL".

WE ALL GROAN AND THAT FRUIT "BALOO" EXPLAINS TO US THAT THERE'S A BIG SURPRISE WAITING FOR US AT THE END OF OUR "COMPASS QUEST". MORE GROANING. "BALOO" GIVES US THIS WINNING SMILE AND CRIES OUT "IT'S CHOCOLATE!!!!!"

NOW AT THIS POINT WE ARE DEFINITELY IN A BIG SNOWY FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND TO OUR RIGHT IN THE FAR DISTANCE YOU CAN SEE THE WOODS, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE IT'S JUST HORIZON. THERE IS ONE LONELY LITTLE SHED STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND LIKE A BROKEN TOOTH A MILE AWAY.

THEN ADRIAN SAYS "IS THE CHOCOLATE IN THAT SHED?" AND "BALOO" SAYS "WHAT?" AND THEN I REMEMBER WE ALL STARTED RUNNING TO THE SHED DESPITE THE CRIES AND PLEAS FROM THE COUNSELORS AND SURE ENOUGH THERE'S A BUNCH OF GODDAMNED CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNIES FROM WHO KNOWS WHAT YEAR STACKED UP IN THE SHED. IT WAS AWESOME. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THE COMPASS QUEST.

CAMPING WITH DAD

THE FIRST TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING I WAS ABOUT 8 OR 9. I REMEMBER WE PARKED THE CAR, I JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY STEPPED ON A NAIL. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEN WE WENT HOME BECAUSE I HAD TO GET A TETANUS SHOT OR SOME KIND OF SHOT. IT'S ALL KIND OF HAZY.

THE SECOND TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING WAS A MONTH LATER, IN THE MIDDLE OF JULY. WE PARKED THE CAR, AND MY SISTER JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO LIFT UP SOME SORT OF BOULDER THAT WAS ON A HILL. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY SHE DID THIS. ANYWAY SHE ENDED UP BREAKING HER FINGER. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, AND THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH MOM IN HER HOUR OF NEED.

AT THE END OF SUMMER, MY DAD, OUT OF COMPLETE DESPERATION TO GO CAMPING WITH THE KIDS, TOOK US OUT AGAIN. I REMEMBER HE SEEMED A BIT FIDGETY THE WHOLE WAY THERE, AND I REMEMBER HE WOULDN'T LET US OUT OF THE CAR UNTIL HE HAD SCOUTED AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE CAR MY DAD WAS BUSY TAKING THE BUNGEE CORDS OFF THE ROOF. WE HAD ABOUT A BILLION THINGS UP ON THE CAR WHICH MY DAD HAD SECURED WITH AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF BUNGEE CORDS. ANYWAY FOR SOME REASON I UNHOOKED ONE OF THE BUNGEE CORDS ON MY SIDE OF THE CAR. IT WHIZZED OVER THE CAR ROOF LIKE A METEOR AND CUT MY DAD DEEPLY IN HIS EYEBROW. WE HAD TO DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL, THIS TIME WITH BLOOD STREAMING DOWN MY DAD'S FACE AND ME AND MY SISTER IN TEARS.

MUD AND KINDERGARTEN

RIGHT SO IT'S KINDERGARTEN AND IT'S SPRING AND EVERYTHING IS THAWING AND MUDDY. AND ALL THE KIDS HAVE THOSE RUBBER BOOTS THAT GO UP TO OUR WAISTS. THE THING TO DO IN THE MORNING BEFORE CLASS STARTS IS TO FIND A BUDDY, GO FIND A NICE SOFT MUDDY SPOT IN THE PLAYGROUND SOMEWHERE, FACE YOUR FRIEND AND START SQUISHING YOUR WAY DOWN IN THE MUD UNTIL IT'S ALMOST UP TO YOUR WAIST.

WE DID THIS BECAUSE IT WAS FUN. SO KYLE AND I ARE FACING EACH OTHER AND BOGGING OUR WAY DOWN IN THIS MUD PUDDLE. WE GET IT ALMOST TO THE POINT WHERE THE MUD WILL START TO SEEP INTO OUR RUBBER BOOTS. I LOOK AT KYLE AND SAY "HEY KYLE, CAN YOU DO THIS?!" AND I TAKE MY FOOT OUT OF THE BOOT, WIGGLE MY LITTLE SOCKED TOES IN THE SPRING AIR FOR A FEW SECONDS, AND PUT MY LEG BACK IN MY BOOT, WHICH IS FIRMLY LODGED IN MUD.

"YES I CAN!!" KYLE SHOUTS BACK AT ME DESPITE ME BEING ONLY A FOOT AWAY FROM HIM. KYLE TAKES HIS FOOT OUT OF HIS BOOT AND IMMEDIATLY FALLS BACKWARDS INTO THE MUD. BECAUSE ONE LEG IS STILL IN THE BOOT HE IS KIND OF PINNED. THE SUCTION FROM THE MUD IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO SIT UP, AND HE CAN'T TURN OVER BECAUSE HIS LEG IS STUCK IN THE BOOT.

THE BELL RINGS AND I LEAVE HIM THERE FOR SOME REASON. IT'S MONDAY MORNING SO WE HAVE ASSEMBLY. THE WHOLE SCHOOL SITS IN THE GYM AND WE SING 'OH CANADA'. OUR PRINCIPAL, WHOSE NAME IS HONEST TO GOD 'MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM' SAYS 'GOOD MORNING STUDENTS' AND THEN WE ALL SAY 'GOOD MORNING MRS. HEGGINBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOM' BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET IT IN SYNC AND SOME KIDS SAY IT FASTER THAN OTHERS.

THEN OUR PRINCIPAL IS ABOUT TO GET INTO THE ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN THE BIG DOUBLE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THE GYM ARE THROWN OPEN AND SMACK AGAINST THE WALLS WITH A GIANT BANG. ENTER MRS. VAIL, SHORT, BUTCHY VICE PRINCIPAL WITH BICEPS LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN. SHE'S HOLDING KYLE, WHO APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DRESSED FROM THE LOST AND FOUND. THERE ARE TEARS JUST STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE. WE ALL STARE AT KYLE AND MRS. VAIL LETS HIM GO. HE RUNS TOWARDS ME, SLIPS ON THE GROUND BECAUSE HE'S IN SOCKS FOR SOME REASON, PICKS HIMSELF UP, AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME. TOTALLY INCONSOLABLE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. WHEN WE GET HOME HE FINALLY OPENS UP TO ME AND TELLS ME THAT MRS. VAIL PICKED HIM UP OUT OF THE MUD LIKE A DYING SOLDIER AND WASTED NO TIME IN STRIPPING HIM NAKED AND DRESSING HIM UP IN SHORT-SHORTS AND A STRAWBERRY-SHORTCAKE TSHIRT EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS A NINJA TURTLE TSHIRT RIGHT THERE.