ONE OF THE KIDS IN OUR CABIN AT OPEMEKON LOUDLY ANNOUNCED TO ALL WITHIN EARSHOT THAT HE WAS TO BE REFERRED TO AS "SHADES", WHICH IMMEDIATELY RESULTED IN "SHADES" BECOMING THE BRUNT OF EVERY JOKE AND PRANK IMAGINABLE BY THE ENTIRE CAMP. TO HIS CREDIT, HOWEVER, I CAN NO LONGER RECALL HIS ACTUAL NAME AND WILL THEREFORE REFER TO HIM AS 'SHADES' FROM HERE ON.
NOW FOR SOME REASON OR OTHER BACKPACKS IN CANADA IN THE LATE 80s AND VERY EARLY 90s WERE ALMOST ENTIRELY FABRICATED OUT OF A THIN GREEN DENIM, POORLY STITCHED, AND OF RATHER BOXY CONSTRUCTION. TWO SIMPLE STRIPS OF CANVAS WERE PROVIDED TO KEEP THE THING ON YOUR BACK, WITH SIMPLE THIN METAL FASTENERS THAT ALLOWED FOR MINOR ADJUSTMENT. THE FANCIEST OF THESE BACKPACKS HAD A SMALL POCKET ON THE SIDE SEWN IN. THEY RESEMBLED SOMETHING YOU'D EXPECT TO ACCOMPANY AN ARMY FATIGUE, BUT PRETTY MUCH EVERY KID AT SCHOOL HAD ONE, AND SINCE NOBODY AT SCOUT CAMP HAD AN ACTUAL CAMPING KNAPSACK, EVERYONE BROUGHT THEIR TOOTHBRUSHES AND CUTLERY SET IN THESE BOX-SHAPED BACKPACKS. THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS THAT THESE BACKPACKS WERE EASILY TAKEN APART, AND THIS IS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS SOMEONE DID TO SHADES' BACKPACK.
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, THE CHILD WHO UNDID MOST OF THE BOTTOM STITCHING TO THE KNAPSACK HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO LEAVE ENOUGH THREAD IN TO KEEP THE CONTENTS OF THE BACKPACK FROM IMMEDIATELY SPILLING OUT. AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, WE HAD OUR FIRST HIKE THAT DAY, WHICH LED US TO THE SMALL CLIFF OVER THE LAKE THAT I MENTIONED EARLIER. AND AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, SHADES TRIED TO SCARE KYLE BY JUMPING OUT FROM BEHIND A FAT PINE TREE. "AHA!!!" YELLED OUT SHADES TRIUMPHANTLY AS THE BOTTOM OF HIS BAG GAVE OUT. "SCARED YOU GOOD!!" SHADES CRIED IN DELIGHT AS TWENTY OR SO ZIPLOCK BAGS CONTAINING INDIVIDUAL SERVINGS OF SOCKS, UNDERWEAR AND TSHIRTS FELL TO THE GROUND AND ROLLED DOWN THE TRAIL. "WHERE DID YOU GUYS GET THAT!!" SHADES CLAMMORED SUSPICIOUSLY AS HE WATCHED A DOZEN CHILDREN LAUNCH HIS BELONGINGS AS FAR OUT INTO THE LAKE AS THEY COULD.
THEN THE USUAL STUFF PLAYED OUT; SHADES ENTREATED THE REST OF US TO STOP, MADE A FEW FRUITLESS LUNGES FOR HIS PERSONAL EFFECTS, STARTED TO CRY, WE WERE SOMEWHAT MILDLY REPRIMANDED BY THE COUNSELORS, AND EVERYONE WENT HOME JUBILANT.
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SO DAY THREE AT OPEMEKON KYLE GOT BITTEN BY A TURTLE. WE HAD JUST WATCHED THIS RIDICULOUS MOVIE ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER AND WERE SUPPOSE TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR DIFFERENT KINDS OF LEAVES AS A RESULT AND THE WHOLE THING WAS A LITTLE MURKY TO BE HONEST. ANYWAY WE WERE FOLLOWING AKELA OR WHOEVER THROUGH ONE OF THE "INDIAN TRAILS" AND EVERY THREE SECONDS HE WAS STOOPING DOWN TO PICK UP A LEAF AND THEN ASK IF WE COULD TELL WHAT IT WAS, AND EVERYONE WOULD JUST SAY "OAK" OR "MAPLE" AND THEN GIVE UP AND THEN AKELA WOULD SHRIEK IN DELIGHT "IT'S A POPLAR!!!" OR SOMETHING. THEN KYLE SPOTTED A TURTLE SUNBATHING ON A LOG IN A LITTLE SWAMP. SO HE PLUNGED RIGHT IN THERE AND SCOOPED UP THE TURTLE AND IT BIT HIM. AND OF COURSE HE SCREAMED OUT "THE TURTLE BIT ME!!" AND AKELA YELLS BACK "IN FRENCH!!" BECAUSE KYLE WAS WORKING ON HIS BILINGUAL BADGE AND WAS SUPPOSED TO ONLY SPEAK FRENCH ALL DAY, SO KYLE YELLS BACK "LA TORTUE MORDRE MOI" WHICH REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD CONSIDERING HE'S STILL HAVING TROUBLE WITH ENGLISH. SO THEN AKELA STOPS THE HIKE AND GOES TO THE BACK AND SOMEHOW PRIES THE TURTLE OFF KYLE'S HAND AND HOLDS IT UP TO US AND SAYS THAT IT'S A BOX TURTLE OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY.
SO WE GET BACK TO THE CABIN AND KYLE'S GOT THIS SMALL-SIZED WELT ON HIS THUMB, AND SHADES COMES KNOCKING AT THE DOOR AND ASKS KYLE WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED. AND KYLE FOR SOME REASON TELLS HIM THAT A LEECH HAD LATCHED ONTO TO THE SWOLLEN DIGIT AND NEARLY SUCKED ALL THE BLOOD OUT OF HIS BODY. AND SHADES INSTANTLY STARTS TO SHAKE AND PANIC AND TELLS US THAT HE'S GOT THIS LIFELONG HORRIBLE FEAR OF LEECHES. SO THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE A PRETTY GOOD DAY. HE IS SERIOUSLY ON THE VERGE OF TEARS AND LEAVES FOR HIS OWN CABIN.
ALRIGHT NOW I HAVE TO MOVE ON TO ANOTHER TOPIC OF DISCUSSION. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ONLY THE THIRD DAY AT CAMP, I GOT A LETTER FROM MY MOM. SHORTLY BEFORE WE ALL LEFT OUR HOMES TO GO TO OPEMEKON, ALL THE PARENTS RECEIVED A LETTER IN THE MAIL ENCOURAGING THEM TO WRITE THEIR CHILDREN WHILE AT CAMP. THE LETTER VERY SPECIFICALLY SAID TO MAKE SURE NOT TO WRITE THAT THE DOG WAS HAVING PUPPIES OR IT WAS SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN CASE IT MADE THE CHILD HOMESICK. ANYWAY MY MOM SHOWED ME THE LETTER AS SOON AS SHE READ IT AND WE BOTH HAD A GOOD LAUGH OVER THE FACT THAT SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WRITE ME ANYTHING EXCITING.
SO WHEN MY FIRST "CARE PACKAGE" ARRIVED (I CALL IT A "CARE PACKAGE" BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO A LETTER SHE SENT ME A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER AND A BOX OF CRACKERS) THE LETTER SHE WROTE STARTED OUT SAYING "DAVID! THE DOG HAD PUPPIES! THE CAT HAD KITTENS! WE BOUGHT AN ENTIRE CIRCUS AND SET IT UP IN THE BACKYARD! YOUR SISTER HAS MAGIC POWERS! WE ARE INSTALLING A WATERSLIDE IN YOUR ROOM!" AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. AND WHEN I READ THIS OUT LOUD THE OTHER KIDS IN MY CABIN ALL LOST THEIR SHIT. THEY HONESTLY BELIEVED EVERY SINGLE WORD. AND THEY TREATED ME LIKE A KING FROM THAT POINT ON BECAUSE I GUESS THEY HOPED I'D INVITE THEM BACK TO MY MAGICAL FUCKING HOUSE AND TEACH THEM HOW TO FLY OR SOMETHING. WORD SPREAD FAST, AND VERY SOON EVERYONE WAS GIVING ME PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT, AND ASKING FOR MY ADVICE AND BASICALLY ACTING LIKE I WAS A WIZARD OR SOMETHING. I TOTALLY WENT ALONG WITH IT AND PLAYED IT UP AND PRETTY MUCH LIED NONSTOP FOR THE REMAINDER OF MY DURATION AT CAMP.
SO ANYWAY NOW WITH THESE TWO THINGS ESTABLISHED, I CAN GET INTO HOW AS SOON AS SHADES LEFT OUR CABIN KYLE AND I MADE OFF FOR THE SWAMP AND SPENT A LITTLE WHILE COLLECTING LEECHES. WE PUT THEM IN THIS MELAMINE BOWL THAT WAS PART OF MY LITTLE DISH SET THAT MY PARENTS HAD BOUGHT FOR ME AT THE SCOUT STORE. THEN WE RETURNED TO OUR CABIN, PLACED A DOOMED, WRITHING LEECH IN EACH CORNER OF THE ROOM, COVERED THEM UP USING THE CORNERS OF BLANKETS AND SLEEPING BAGS, AND INVITED SHADES BACK TO TELL "GHOST STORIES".
SO SHADES AGREES AND SAYS HE'LL BE OVER IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES, AND WE HEAD BACK TO OUR CABIN AND SIT THERE AND GRIN LIKE IDIOTS. SUDDENLY A TERRIBLE THOUGHT CROSSES MY MIND. DO WE EVEN KNOW ANY GHOST STORIES? I QUICKLY TELL KYLE ABOUT MY CONCERNS, AND HE WAVES THEM ASIDE AND SAYS HE KNOWS "A TRILLION OF 'EM". THIS SOMEWHAT ASSUAGES MY UNEASE. TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, THE PLAN IS TO SHAKE SHADES UP WITH A COUPLE OF GHOST STORIES UNTIL HIS NERVES ARE RAW, AND THEN GRAB THE NEAREST LEECH AND EITHER THROW IT AT HIM OR PLACE IT ON HIS SHOULDER WITHOUT HIM KNOWING OR SOMETHING. IT'S A GOOD PLAN.
SHADES SHOWS UP, AND I SORT OF POSITION MYSELF CLOSER TO A CORNER. SHADES SITS DOWN AND WE SHUT THE DOOR AND PUT BLANKETS OVER THE WINDOWS SO THAT IT'S NICE AND DARK INSIDE. KYLE GRABS THE FLASHLIGHT AND FOCUSES IT ON HIS FACE, JUST LIKE PEOPLE DO ON TV. THINGS ARE GETTING AWESOME. I RELAX AND PREPARE MYSELF TO THOROUGHLY ENJOY THE NEXT TWENTY MINUTES. KYLE STARTS HIS FIRST GHOST STORY IN WHAT I THINK HE CONSIDERS A SPOOKY, SEPULCHRAL VIBRATO: "ONCE, UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A LEECH, INTHECORNEROFTHISCABIN!!!!!!!!!"
I SORT OF SIT UPRIGHT AND SORT OF SHAKE MYSELF BACK INTO THE MOMENT. THE WAY KYLE DELIVERED HIS ONE-SENTENCE 'GHOST STORY' INVOLVED HIM RAISING HIS VOICE WITH EACH WORD, AND THEN PRETTY BUNCH BELLOWING OUT 'IN THE CORNER OF THIS CABIN!!' AS FAST AND AS LOUD AS HE COULD. I HAVE NO GODDAMNED IDEA WHAT HE THOUGHT HE WAS PULLING. SHADES SORT OF GETS VERY QUIET AND GIVES US BOTH A HAUNTED LOOK, AND THEN KYLE GOES "GO LOOK!" AND POINTS TOWARDS THE CORNER. AND SHADES GOES AND LOOKS!! HE PULLS BACK A SLEEPING BAG TO REVEAL A DRIED UP LEECH AND JUST GOES INTO HYSTERICS. AND WHILE HE'S SCRAEMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, KYLE GRAVELY SAYS "DAVE MADE IT APPEAR! HE'S MAGIC!" AND THEN SHADES YELLS AT ME "DAVE, MAKE IT DISAPPEAR!!! MAKE IT DISAPPEAR!!" AND THEN FOR SOME REASON I SAID "I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!!" AND THIS SENDS SHADES INTO EVEN DEEPER CONVULSIONS AND KYLE JUST STARTS LAUGHING AS HARD AS HE CAN. OH YEAH, AND HE HAS ONE OF THOSE REALLY ANNOYING LAUGHS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO SLAP HIM.
SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS AND TRYING TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT TO LABEL THIS A SUCCESS OR A DRAW, WHEN ONE OF THOSE INBRED COUNSELORS BANGS THE DOOR OPEN AND TAKES A BIG GANGLY STEP INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE CABIN AND WILDLY ASKS US WHAT'S GOING ON. KYLE IS HAVING A LAUGHING FIT AND CAN'T SAY ANYTHING, AND SHADES IS ALMOST APOPLECTIC AT THIS POINT, BUT HE MANAGES TO SHRIEK OUT "LEECHES!! THERE'S LEECHES EVERYWHERE!!!" AND BALOO SORT OF LOOKS AROUND HIM HELPLESSLY AND OF COURSE HE DOESN'T SPOT ANY LEECHES, THREE OF WHICH ARE STILL HIDDEN UNDER BLANKETS, AND THE FORTH IS ALL SHRIVELLED UP AND LOOKS LIKE A LONG RAISIN ANYWAY. SO HE TELLS SHADES TO QUIET DOWN AND SHADES STARTS CRYING EVEN MORE ASSIDUOUSLY AND BALLO TELLS HIM TO GO BACK TO HIS OWN CABIN. SHADES STARTS SOBBING AND HOARSELY CRIES OUT THAT THERE'S BOUND TO BE MORE LEECHES OUTSIDE, AND POINTS AT ME AND SAYS THAT EVEN I CAN'T CONTROL IT, AND LONG STORY SHORT BALLOO ACTUALLY HAD TO CARRY SHADES BACK TO HIS CABIN, AND THE NEXT DAY SHADES' PARENTS WERE CALLED AND THEY TOOK HIM HOME AND WE NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.
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