5-0

alright so i hope to christ i've changed all the names/taken out personal information & dates/spared enough private details to prevent feelings from getting hurt

here's approx 2-3 months of written conversation concerning a dude we fondly termed 'retard 5-0'. this is from like 6-7 years ago?

anyway dudes please don't repost this shit on other websites, normally i don't care about that sort of thing but let this one stay on this blog, alright? thanks! there's a lot more where this came from (still editing) and if everyone keeps this shit UNDER THEIR HATS then i'll post more.





some new dude joined our group

he's replacing a guy who i have spoken to maybe once in the last 4 months

he looks about 50, and can't seem to do anything?

he sounds like jerry in that seinfeld episode when jerry's on the phone with that girl and pretending to sound like 'raf' and the girl mentions the 'tractor story'.

and although i'm like 99.9% positive i did not use the word "chill" while speaking to him, as of like 10am yesterday morning he is now using it in every possible sentence he can formulate, which makes me think i must have accidently said it somehow and now he thinks that i think it's a 'cool' word to use.

GOD DAMMIT he just asked me to help him find a pen?!

fuck! i just showed him where the storage locker is with all the stationary and shit and looked in it for like a minute and said 'well i think i like my old pen better then the ones here'

FUCK

he didn't have an official work pass yesterday (his first day) which means someone needs to sign him into the building, so yesterday afternoon i was like 'by the way, do you want my office number so that when you come in tomorrow morning you can call me up at the front desk and i'll sign you in? i'm usually here by 9'

and he said 'thanks a lot, that's really chill, really chill, but i'm gonna come in at 7:30 just to make sure i get in'

which just confused the fuck out me, because NOBODY in there right mind would be here that early

and he keeps asking me if random shit is 'cool'?! like he came in and was like 'what are you listening to' and i was like 'silkworm' and he said 'chill, are they a local band?' and i said 'no, they're not from -' and then he started talking about live365.com or something and then was like 'yeah, so listening to the internet radio - that's cool? they're cool with that here?' and i was like 'i think so?!' and he was like 'because the internet radio takes up a lot of bandwidth - they're chill with you taking up a lot of bandwidth?'

oh god dammit did he seriously just email me?!

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oh yeah, and speaking of douchebags, at thanksgiving i had this last minute idea to catch a train or a bus or something from DC up to boston to visit friends for a day, so i called one or two places in the yellow pages (i was at grandma's place, and she doesn't believe in computers) and they were like 'sorry, everything is booked solid for thanksgiving'.

which makes sense and i was ready to leave it at that. except my cousin's new stupid boyfriend who spent the last 4 hours talking about his great negotiating and business skills looked

FUCK HE'S BACK AGAIN!!!

god dammit he just asked me for a PIECE OF PAPER

FUCK!!!

anyway idiot cousin's boyfriend was like 'whaddaya mean, you can't get a train?!' and then looked around and was like 'you just need to know how to MOTIVATE people'

and THEN he takes out his cell phone, puts it on the MIDDLE OF THE TABLE, puts it on SPEAKERPHONE, and then asks me for the number for the train place?!?! like he's going to wow us all with his goddamned 'business skills'?! and some woman answers and is like 'hi something something (can't remember the company) this is marlene speaking'

and he's like 'HI MARLENE, THIS IS RANDY MCPIPER' like marlene gives a fuck and he gives us all a little nod and he's like 'I NEED TO GET A FRIEND TO BOSTON, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME DO THIS'

and marlene is like 'sorry there are no trains available' and fucking douchebag idiot cousin's boyfriend is like 'thanks!' and HANGS UP THE PHONE and turns to us and says 'WELL YOU HEARD THE LADY, NOTHING WE CAN DO!!'

WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!!

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that 50-year-old retard is back again

he walked in and asked me how my weekend was. i said fine & inquired about hi. his words: "it was good - i had a party at my condo - and, you know - good spreads... did the vietnamese thing"

so of course i have no idea what that means, and then he pulls out like 600 keys on a key chain, and i guess he ordered duplicate keys for every office in the building or something, and then he asked me what he should do with all of them?!?!?!?!

and i was like 'dude i don't know, who gave you all of those?' and he said 'oh, i ordered them'

and then i'm like 'okay, well, we keep spare keys in this box in the photocopy room, i'll show you where it is'

so the photocopier room leads into a meeting room, and the meeting room door is shut and it says OCCUPIED and we can hear people talking inside softly and suddenly he's like

"uh oh - you know what - liz just walked by my office and she sort of gave me look, but i was on the phone - i wonder if she wanted to talk to me and invite me to this meeting"

WHO SAYS THAT?!

and then i'm like "uh, maybe?" and he looks at me and says "i wonder if i should knock on the door" christ!!! who the fuck hired this guy?!?! so i'm still like putting all his keys away and he's trying the remaining 400 keys on his key chain into the door to see which one works and then fortunately someone else he needed to talk to walked by and he just sort of left without saying anything.

i know he's going to be back in my office in like the next 10 minutes asking more questions about god knows what

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oh my fucking god

he just walked in again (i can't even remember what his name is) and he's just kind of leaning on the door way with this goofy smile on his face and he's like "everything's chill - i just talked to liz - she just wanted to know why i left a message on her phone about the bus strike"

WHAT?!?!?!!

and then while i'm wishing i was dead he gives this long whistle and says "i guess that means i'm all caught up with the logistics of this place"

and i'm like "fantastic"

and then he says "this is a whole different world from FC" (the building across the street from us)

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this is just going to get a lot worse before it gets better

it's snowing like crazy outside and i walk in the building and i see him bobbing down the hallway with that creepy smile and he's like "hah!! ola, senor!!" and i was like "what?" and he said "hah.. 'cause.. you know.. the snow?!" and i just sort of nodded and he asked me how my weekend was again!

and i just got an email he sent to the whole group about how he needs to order business cards & if anyone else wants to order them (this is probably because he's completely incapable about doing anything himself) and like 95% of the email is just parentheses:

----

GOOD MORNING (new) Colleagues!
(Attached) find a draft for a (short) page listing those who need (new) business cards.
Please review listing and let me know if there are (any) errors for spelling and/or names.
Please confirm.
Thanks in advance everyone!

-----

this is worse than people who put shit in quotation marks all the time!!! fuck! oh yeah, and the attachment it titled "NEW BUSINESS CARDS" and just has HIS NAME on it, so i don't understand if he expects us to correct his own goddamned name

i'm going to have to deal with this all year

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the 50-year-old retard is really starting to get on my nerves

he came into my office saying he needs a new chair. which is fine, i'm sure we have people for that sort of thing, and i told him to go see our main admin people. then he just hung out for a bit and told me he had back problems. i told him i was pretty sure we had tons of chairs in the basement, and if he didn't find one he liked then someone from admin would be happy to order him one

then (and this has happened every time i've suggested he do something by himself) he just starts stammering "okay, so you'll... so you'll.... okay, so.. i guess it doesn't matter who.. you'll uh... you'll uh..." and i think he wants me to finish his sentence, thereby making me responsible for getting him whatever it is he happens to need?

it's annoying as fuck. there was some horseshit nonsense going on with renewing a website and he came in and was like "yeah, we really need to get that website renewed" and i said he should talk to the website people about that, and then he started pulling that "so you'll... so you'll.. uh.. you'll...." and i was like 'okay, i'll see what's going on', and i found the dude in our department responsible for this sort of thing, and sent him an email saying 'hey - any update on renewing the website?' and copied the 50-year-old-retard.

then he shows up in my office again and was like "thanks for that email, really chill, great.. um, and if he doesn't write back we were thinking someone should get the director to talk to his manager?" and i was like 'sure, if you think that's necessary' and he seemed horrified that i had turned things back to him, and i thought he was going to drop dead for a second but he recovered and started stammering again "okay, so if we don't hear back, you'll.. you can... you'll... 'cause someone should talk to the director.. i guess anyone... so.. so.. uh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... so you'll....'

god dammit!!

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i'm definitely going to start shutting down captain "you'll uh..."

i mean it is his first week or whatever, but the dude is just ridiculous

we had a meeting yesterday and at it he definitely stood up and said "um, some of us are going to be needing a chair"

which was kind of funny because i think everyone knows it's just him. he also was, like, violently taking notes the entire time, even when people were just joking around or talking about the christmas party. like taking so many notes so quickly that the scratching of his pen was super audible/noticeable. weird!

also at one point when i was staring off into space, i guess someone made a joke and everyone laughed, and then like three seconds after the laughter died down he started to laugh for like ten seconds?! it sounded like someone trying to turn over a very weak, very old car.

he also sent everyone in the department an email that basically just said he was "between computers at home" and therefore couldn't access our government websites at his place.

who cares?!?! and who says they're "between" computers!?!?!

he also said our christmas party sounds "magical" ?!?!?!?!?!?!

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hahahahaha

idiot 50-year-old retard just followed me back into my office. he pulled out a piece of paper from his back pocket and said he had a couple of questions for me. and i was thinking 'god almighty, if it's on a piece of paper it's going to be like 400 questions!'

and he was like 'okay, so 1) do you know if randy is in?' and i was like 'yeah i saw him this morning?' and he said 'no - no... randy' and i was like 'yes, randy, i saw him this morning' and then he said 'oh, okay - because i don't know if you saw that email this morning from him, but he brought in chocolates'

if he sent a fucking email obviously he's in!

then he asked if he could go to some sort of conference for training, and i was like 'i don't know, don't you have a manager for this sort of thing?!' (i wanted to tell him i still don't even know what he does or where he works) and he was like 'do you know if the company pays for this sort of thing up front' and i was like 'usually, yes' and he clutched his heart and made this super stupid face and was like 'oh thank god, because it's-a expensive!', and he's said 'it's expensive' like 'eeetsa eeexpenseeve' in an italian accent for some reason!?!?!

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that goddamned 50-year-old retard showed up just now

i'm pretty sure he has visited me every single day since he arrived to complain about something or other

right now he wants a new chair and he's been wandering up and down the halls crying about his back and how he needs a chair and he kept dropping by and asking who he'd talk to about this and i kept saying 'i don't know'

and god fucking dammit he ended up harassing my manager until she finally, sort of apologetically asked if i could look into it. GOD DAMMIT! this isn't my job!

anyway i found some sort of health inspector or something who deals with ergonomic nonsense and sent off an email saying we had a dude with back issues who needed a chair

and then today he's been going around telling everybody he doesn't actually have a back injury "persay" but that he use to be a cabinet maker and "so.. you know how it is"

what the fuck?!?!?!?!1

yesterday we had this horrible goddamned work party and we all had to drive to some small hick town an hour away and i got stuck in a car with the retard, and thankfully he was pretty quiet the entire way except at one point he got all panicky and asked if this car used diesel!? then at the restaurant he tried to get some sort of "special order" from the chef and had like a million pointers for the waitress and he ended up with the most disgusting looking shit i've ever seen - it was basically a toasted piece of pita bread with chunks of squash and some jam on it. it looked awful. he looked super upset, but that's what happens when you purposely replace all the regular ingredients of a decent meal with things like jam and squash and pita bread!!!!

he just just stopped by my office and asked if i had seen carla, i said yes, and he said "okay, well, i guess i'll just send her an email, then - my computer's working' and then laughed like it was a joke!?!?! fuck!!!

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man everytime retard 5-0 walks in i have something to write about

he just came in and asked if i was going home. i said 'no, not for like an hour' and then he pointed to my coat, which is hanging on a coat rack, and said 'oh, because i saw your coat there'

what an idiot!!!

regarding his chair, he sent an email around basically saying he has a wonderful back and no pain, and then sent me a separate email saying there's a $900 chair he wants. god dammit i don't care!!!!

oh yeah, so anyway while he's in my office he did that 'do you have a couple of minutes?' and then took out this CDR and asked if i could read it on my computer. so i put it in and clicked on the file and like 34949054905 error screens popped up and he was like 'hmmmm that happened on my computer too, i don't remember what i burned on this' and i was like 'well that sucks' and he was like 'so, um... so... so... do you know if there's any place that does data retrieval for a CDR like this' and i was like 'I DON'T KNOW!!!' and i bet he's going to spend all day tomorrow wandering around until someone gets frustrated. if this ends up with me having to call some fucking place to see if they can get his fucking cat pictures or whatever off a CD i'm going to throw my phone at someone.

here's the email he sent to the whole group after complaining about his back to everyone in earshot, which somehow resulted in me having to find some random person who deals with ergonomic chairs and shit:

"If I may, I'd just like to clarify that I don't have a back injury, when I was a tradesperson (CabinetMaker), many years ago, I had some minor back pains. These have long since disappeared, and my back health is good."

well then!!

--

oh my god

so i just got an email about the christmas party, saying to go to our weird fucking internal 'wikipedia page' or whatever and make sure we write down what we're bringing for the lunch (it's like a potluck deal)

so i clicked on it out of curiosity and everyone's written down stuff like 'cheese plate' and 'chicken curry' etc etc etc and i'm scrolling down and next to retard 5-0 is written:

"6 (six) bran muffins"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

---

nobody ate his bran muffins. he had like a little placard next to the plate as well and it had some absolutely retarded name on it, like 'flaxy-brannies' or something, i can't remember

anyway now he's going around trying to get people to eat them. i can hear him right now down the hall, he's saying "as you may or may not know, i made muffins, six of them actually, and, well, i know it's not the morning right now, and maybe it isn't the right time of day, but i will leave them on the counter, and maybe tomorrow morning... i'll send a message around"

also at the stupid party at one point he put down his plate of food on a table and just sort of wandered off, and like two dudes were standing next to his plate just talking to each other, and like five minutes later he came back and really loudly said "excuse me! excuse me! that is not your plate. that is my plate."

the two other guys weren't even looking at his stupid food, they had their backs turned to it, and he said it loud enough to make everyone sort of look over in his direction.

also there was this stupid count-the-jellybeans-in-the-jar-and-win-them thing going on, and he was standing there WRITING DOWN SHIT ON HIS NAPKIN and i really really wish i had stolen it because i could have scanned it. but anyway so you'd assume he's either doing some very basic math or whatever, and someone was like 'you have a plan?' and he was like 'yeah, i believe the best way to approach this is by weight - this jar must be about, what, 15 or 20 kilograms?' and someone actually yelled out 'what?!' because it was this little tiny thing, like three times the size of a can of coke, it couldn't have been more than 1kg at most, and even that's a really generous estimate

OH

and, as expected, the 'party' was held out in the middle of nowhere, in this empty facility hall in the middle of a goddamned industrial park, and like this is just a basic square brick building of absolutely no interest whatsoever, and retard 5-0 definitely asked some random guy if he could take a tour of the place!!

it was literally like 6 big rooms and some bathrooms and like a forklift in one corner. god dammit!

---

OH GOD DAMMIT

and anyway a bunch of us are sitting around the table and he starts talking about this "neat game" he knows and he's like 'okay, does anyone have a loonie?', and one is produced, and he's like "okay, now what you'd do is pass this around and around while some music plays.. we don't have any music so just pass it around, just so i can explain this neat game" and people actually start passing the coin around!! god dammit! and everyone passes it around and then finally he's like "okay - stop!! i would have turned the music off there. okay, so bert, bert - you have the loonie? okay, now here's the trick.. bert keeps the loonie, but the person to his left gets the prize"

and someone was like "what prize?" and he's like "oh yeah, there's suppose to be a prize in the middle, and everyone is suppose to think that whoever has the loonie when the music stop gets the prize"

i was absolutely flabbergasted. i couldn't think of a single thing to say. i'm pretty sure my mouth was actually hanging open at this point.

---

he's creepy weird, and just kind of stupid

he has a stupid smile all the time and has creepy posture

when he comes into my office he sort of wraps himself around the doorframe like he's about to romance it, with one hand on each side of the wall and his cheek up against the frame while staring at me. it's awful.

right this second he's walking around with this dusty old phone though, i've seen him go up and down the hallway like 4 times now, and there's just a cloud of dust flying off of the phone. i really hope he doesn't come back to my office.

---

retard 5-0 showed up, peddling his stupid muffins that nobody ate. then he disappeared for a while, sent me an email saying that if i needed to email him about anything, to also send a copy to his blackberry while he's at the 'restaurant' (it was like 10am at this point)

then he sent an email to the group saying he wants his wooden office door replaced with one that has a glass in it, because it's 'very busy' where he works. this whole building is a ghost town at the best of times, i use to work on the second floor, you can easily spend days up there without seeing a single person. dude's tripping balls.

i guess he has his dusty old shitty phone up there or something. anyway he came down here to talk about the new door he wants and he kept tapping on my door (which has a glass in it) lovingly and kept smiling at himself in the reflection in the glass while talking to me.

he also walked into someone's office and said "I SMELL VINEGAR!!"

jesus christ, he's got to be autistic. "I SMELL VINEGAR" is like one step away from standing up at meeting and saying "MY DAD IS A LIFE BOAT!!" or something

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well he seems to come into my office like fifteen times a day, and every single time he says or does something ridiculous, so i imagine i'll have plenty of stuff to write about for 2003.

let's see

OH i ate french fries for lunch because i'm hungover, and this afternoon he came in for some obsolete reason and asked if i was done my lunch. i said 'yeah, i ate french fries' and he 'YOU ATE FRENCH FRIES?!?!?!' in this tone of absolute bewilderment like i had just cured cancer

i don't know how i'm going to get a picture of him, but i might spend the next 20 minutes trying to draw him in ms paint

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retard 5-0 just made his first appearance of the day. i thought he'd have taken this week off for sure because he's been mumbling about sick days and shit all last week.

anyway he walked in with like 100 pieces of paper again and just stood in my office grinning like an idiot and then he was like "do you know where mark is?" and i said "maybe in his office?" and he was like "oh yeah, good idea"

and i've noticed every time he talks he takes like two big steps closer to me, so that by the time he's ready to ask his question he's practically standing right next to me.

anyway at least this wasn't too bad of an encounter. he gets all caught up on his sentences, he was trying to say that those of us who came in today will mostly likely be here the 22nd/23rd, but he actually couldn't get the sentence out, he kept stuttering and starting over. i don't know why the hell he wanted to tell me that anyway.

at one point he looked down at his papers and starting giggling to himself without actually saying anything to me.

after he leaves my office he almost invariably goes down the hall for about ten feet, turns around, and walks past my office again going the other way.

---

retard 5-0 made his first appearance of the new year. i counted the number of times he said 'so' - 67.

he started off the conversation by saying "so... so... so.... so.. sooo.... admittedly i came down here to see abby... so.. so... so..."

and then after a while he asked me how my holidays were. i said they were fine and inquired about his. i was hoping for something really good but no dice. he did say that his family came down and that they went out "three times in three days" and then he paused and looked at me with this expectant look on his face, like maybe i would gasp in astonishment or something, and then after i deadpanned for a while he said "and one of them was a splurge"

then he also said that he and his brother (who i assume is 50 years old as well) went to the museum of science and tech together. okay, this is a kids museum. you only go here if you are 8 years old and on a school trip, or if you're bringing your kid here. it's one of those museums where every 'exhibit' involves pressing a button or running through something. it's totally totally totally geared towards kids. it's like going to the wave pool or chuck-e-cheese or something.

then he said "that place hasn't changed in twenty years" which made me want to ask him why the hell he was there when he was thirty, but i thought it best to hold my tongue. then he said 'so' about thirty more times and then nodded at me for about ten seconds and said he was 'pretty sure' everyone was going to have a good year.

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retard 5-0 came into the office right while i was about to leave. he was holding this giant fluorescent bulb and grinning like an idiot. he sort of moves like a pigeon, and makes all these rapid head-ducking motions. anyway he was grinning and sort of half-laughing to himself and kept pointing at the bulb and at the ceiling and at all sorts of other things

anyway then he asked me if i knew of a lamp big enough to hold this giant fucking novelty bulb. i said no. then he said "do you know the name.. so.. soo... so... do you know the name of the person who left here two years ago? about two years ago?"

he's only been here for a few weeks at most, i have no idea how he'd be aware of someone that left two years ago. anyway i spouted off some names to humor him and he kept saying 'no, not him' and 'no, not her', and finally i just gave up and walked over to the coatrack and put on my coat.

and then he got all panicky! he saw that i was clearly just going to leave him in my office and he started his "so, um.. getting a lamp.. for uh.. so.. so you'll... so you'll uh... so you'll... so you'll..." and i was like "so i'm going home, good luck finding a lamp, dude" and walked out

and he basically followed me all down the hallway and practically out the front door. what the hell! anyway if he comes back here looking for a lamp for that stupid giant light bulb i'm going to throw something at him. i can't believe that this sort of horseshit has become part of my everyday life. first world problems!!!

---

retard 5-0 came in to talk about how he's going to go get a massage

not a joke

he first started talking about the expense (which i think is his favorite thing to talk about) and he said 'you know, we do get some coverage, but it doesn't go very far' -

first, we work in the government. in canada. even for shit like massages and, i don't know, crack cocain, we get reimbursed like 90%

- 'so there's this community college.. soo. so.. and they're 2nd year students.. so.. it's a big leap.. but... $25 an hour.. so..'

i just kind of stopped paying attention at this point. at least he didn't have that giant lightbulb. he also told me things are 'crazy' up on the second floor, and i still maintain that he must see MAYBE 2 people there all day long. i am on the busiest floor (the first) and i have spoken to him twice today and that's IT. i have gotten three emails today, two of which were for penis enhancements. it is NOT busy here!!!

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okay, retard 5-0 is definitely 100% retarded

first of all, i thought he was wearing high heels today. they sound like high heels. i'm sure they're orthotics or something but fuck he's clacking around all over the goddamned place and they fucking look like high heels

2. he was standing in the middle of the hallway hugging himself and turning around and just looking RETARDED

3. he looked at me and said "I SMELL PIZZA!!" while i was walking by

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man i'm totally going to get fired or something

he JUST walked in here and started staring at me and i quickly knocked on the underside of my desk so it sounded like someone had just knocked and he totally flipped out and started craning his neck and staring up at the ceiling and out into the hallway and shit and kept taking two steps out of my office, and then two steps in, and point at the hall with his thumb and was making all those retarded 'did you just hear that' faces

--

holy shit, retard 5-0 made a joke:

so the whole group that i work with went out for lunch, and they're talking about honda civics for some fucking reason, and retard 5-0 says 'in fact, i once saw one.. on the road'

and these are pretty common cars so i joked and said 'wow, i've only seen them in magazines'

and then a few people talked and the conversation shifted onto other things and like three minutes later he turned to me and smiled and said 'oh yeah? what magazine? BAD magazine?!?!' and then laughed

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update with retard 5-0

so his chair came in, some dude came by and asked where his office was, and i was like 'upstairs, room 204' and he was like 'what?! huh?!' and i was like 'god dammit just follow me'

so he follows me upstairs and i'm like 'here's your chair, retard' and 5-0 is all flabbergasted and shit and i'm leaving and the dude is leaving and retard 5-0 comes running out behind us, left arm outstretched, index finger wagging in the air, and he's saying "my dentist... my dentist... my dentist...."

so finally we stop and he's like "my dentist... my dentist... my dentist's wife... his wife.. you know.. she's got a bad hip.... and she sits in one of those cheap chairs"

and i'm thinking 'did you seriously just fucking say that'

and anyway 10 minutes later i'm back downstairs and he shows up, he's got this great big bottle of cleaning fluid and he does is "so you... so you... so you.... do you know... paper towels... do we... so you... are there any?" and he's like stepping towards me with each stutter and he's practically sitting on my lap by the end of this and i'm like "i don't have any"

and then he's like "i think they must have rolled my chair outside on the concrete, because the wheels are all muddy" and i'm like "yeah, that totally fucking sucks dude" and he starts getting genuinely angry and he starts whispering things like "what is wrong with these people?!?" and "can you believe this sort of thing?" and he's shrugging his shoulders and looking all over the place like my office might be tapped or something

fuck

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OH GOD!

so he just came down again and he's leaning on my door and he's like "uh.. uh.. can you.. can you... i need a second opinion.. can you... are you on your lunch?" and i'm like "what's going on" and he's like "i need a second opinion on the chair, can you come up?" and i'm like "are you serious?" and he's like "i just cleaned the wheels, but they're all damaged from the concrete and i need a second opinion"

so i actually go up again (i probably should have just told him to fuck off) and i don't know if anyone remembers this, but like a week or two ago he was moseying around with this giant novelty bulb and looking for i guess a giant novelty lamp to put the bulb in

anyway so i get upstairs and he's got that giant fucking bulb in a giant fucking lamp and it's turned on and it's shining right on the wheels!!

and i'm looking at them and they're scuffed up and his office just smells like farts and he's wandering around and saying things like "run your finger over it.. i'm not crazy, right?" and i'm like "yeah the wheels don't look brand new" and i'm about to leave and he starts his "so you'll... so you'll... so you'll... so you'll..." and i'm like "just write the company directly and tell them they screwed up" and i'm out of his office and in the hall and he's just fucking following me and still talking and at one point he's like "heads are going to roll.. i mean not ours.. but.. so..."

fuck my life

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he just sent this email

"I received my new chair but the delivery guys must have rolled it outside as the lower part was muddy and more importantly, the casters are all rough from being rolled over rough areas."

--

5-0 came down and honest to god just asked me if i thought he should "sit in the chair in the meantime" if the plan is to return it in the next few days

i get the impression he's probably got it in the corner of his office, and just stares at it from his current chair

he asked me how my weekend was, i kept things curt but asked him how his went out of politeness and he started talking about how he's worried about chemicals from his mattress seeping into the air so he's trying to buy a soy-based mattress. i couldn't even begin to make this shit up if i tried.

i left work like an hour early on friday to go to nyc, and in that short span of time he left me three messages, three emails, and like four sticky notes regarding his goddamned fucking chair that i have absolutely nothing to fucking do with.

by the way i think he is in web development. i give out grants. fuck!

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i'm going to kill retard

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dude just called me

FROM HOME

to ask if i thought he should switch his desk with the one in this empty office

then when i said 'i don't care' he then asked if i thought he should switch his filing cabinet with the one in the empty office

then he asked about the bookcase. then the computer. then the lamp. then he started talking about how he might come in later tonight (WHAT THE FUCK?!?!) to CLEAN UP and ORGANIZE HIS DRAWERS

and he just gives me so much information about his personal life, like he mentioned how he's at home because he's waiting for some dude to come in and check his faucets while they're still under repair. he also said something really stupid/funny that i have forgotten because my manager came in and she's a nutcase, too.

i'll give him this, the dude is absolutely obsessed with the little details of his life, and to some extent i don't think that's a bad thing. like he's absolutely the sort of guy who will spend every minute of his waking life trying to return an apple or something he bought because on second thought it does look a little bruised. like it doesn't suprise me in the least that he's permanent in the government, i have no doubts he went through every single sentence in his contract over and over and over and over with all sorts of people who had nothing to do with it until someone finally cracked and he somehow worked his way into a permanent position.

for example, i know they're building a big condo next to his condo (see how fucking much i know about this guy!?!?!?) and he's got a picture of the plans on his blackberry and will whip it out and show complete strangers and then start moaning about how it will affect the natural lighting in his place, and i have absolutely no doubt that he's on every board possible that opposes this thing and spends the bulk of his evenings writing random people about this.

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oh and this morning he sent around an email saying he was going to telework and 'FYI, I borrowed the black lamp from Jim's office'

Jim hasn't worked here in 6 fucking months

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OH and the amusing/stupid thing he said was after he asked if he should switch lamps, and i said 'sure whatever' then he just paused for like a FULL MINUTE and i thought he had hung up and then he was like 'i'm just.. i'm just doing a little.. you know.. mental tour of my office... do dee do do do do dee do do [he actually said in a bit of a sing-song voice] okay. i think that's it. i think.. well.. yeah.. i'm DONE THE TOUR'

who the fuck says shit like that!!!

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so everyone in the office is going out for drink tonight, i'm always invited but rarely show up, found out just now that 5-0 will be there. so i might go for a little bit just to see if anything momentous happens. he just dropped by and said "so are you.. are you.. are you.. are you.. i talked to don.. are you.. are you going for drinks tonight?" and i said 'maybe' and he said "good good... good good... good good.. good good.. i called a premature meeting"

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so retard 5-0 wasn't as funny as i had hoped at the bar

quality moments:

-so there were two total knockouts working the bar and i'm friends with both, and like every time i talked to them retard's jaw would actually hang open

-again, because i go to this bar a bunch i know everyone there. retard ordered god knows what with like a million amendments and tips and asked about a thousand questions. i ordered something that wasn't on the menu and retard FLIPPED OUT. his jaw dropped again and he was like 'CAN YOU DO THAT?! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?! IT'S NOT ON THE MENU!' and then he turned to everyone else and referred to me as a 'celebrity'

-at one point he was boring somebody else but getting really worked up and excited and giggly, and then he turned to me & brad (we weren't paying attention obviously) and was like 'hey!!! hey!!! we need.. we need.. we need.. to order a demolition crew, and we'll.. we'll tear down the building and re-build it the way we want!!!' and he was like CHOKED UP with laughter and i have no doubt this was relevant to the conversation he was having with the other person, but i have no idea why he thought he'd try the punchline out on us instead of, you know, the person he was talking to

-he ordered a half-pint and then grandly announced to us all that he was a 'lush'. instead of getting a small glass he got a pint glass half-filled, and he was SO suspicious of it. you could tell he had no idea what was going on, or why the glass was only half full, and he was like examining it in the light and everything, and holding it out to other people with this hurt/confused expression. after about five minutes of doing this he actually started complaining about it and saying things like "i just.. i just.. i didn't know.. who'd think it would.. i mean i'm not crazy, right?". i'm sure he thought he was getting gypped and i think this is like his biggest fear in the entire world, that he's not going to get full value for whatever it is he's purchasing.

i guarantee the dude's a virgin. and i bet he has the cleanest apartment in the entire world.

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5-0 was just in talking about surge protectors and shit, i can't even deal with this right now, i'm staring at him and very obviously typing (he can't see the screen)

GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU BIG GOOF!!!!!

"this is.. this is... it's a.. uh.. a very old building... and.. and... some... surge protectors... aren't real surge protectors... not without.. the.. the.. battery backup.."

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!

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5-0 just called me, asked if he was reading an email right. i said 'i don't know what you're talking about'. he said 'oh.. oh.. you aren't CC'd on this.. oh.. i'm changing my phone number'.

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great little email from 5-0

"Hi Dave,

Just to let you know, a service guy just called and he's on his way re the Chair. Think he will be replacing the casters, of course at no cost!

I will let him in."

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hahaha jesus christ/holy shit

so i dropped by 5-0's "new" office (i guess he was complaining about the old one and has since moved 4 doors down, same hallway/floor & everything)

anyway there was light spilling out from his office into the hallway and even from about 50 feet away i could see that things must be really fucking bright in there

anyway so i walk by, he's got this little round table shoved right in the doorway so you have to like suck in your breath and edge your way around that just to get in,

second, he's got like 900 lamps all turned on and affixed to every corner and vertices and coming out from under the desk and over the door and just fucking everywhere!! it looks like some bizarre showcase from hell in there, it's like a tanning salon or the inside of a volcano or something. there's like a visible yellowish/orange aura in there, the blinds are shut so there's no natural light, i could actually here that electronic buzzing noise you sometimes hear near power stations and stuff hahahaha i'm seriously cracking up over how many lamps he's got plugged in, there must be like 10,000 watts hahahahaha

third he's got about 6 chairs in there taking up all his room, and they're all leading up to his giant $1000 expensive-chair-with-shitty-castors and he's got the chair absolutely CRANKED and the backboard is about 8 feet in the air and every single thing on the chair that can extend has been extended 110% and he just looked like some big mongoloid spider in some weird dimension sitting there in his new office

okay but anyway this is amazing enough but is absolutely nothing compared to what followed

so he's like "how was your day" and i'm like "pretty good! i thought we had a holiday"

and HE SAYS

"hmmm.. holiday.. holiday makes me think of statutory"

and i'm like "...."

and then he says "statutory.. you know.. not a great word.. makes you think of rape.. i had a good weekend, though"

WHAT?!!?!?! WHAT?!?!?!

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5-0's trying to get himself business cards

i guess he sent out an order to a company that makes business cards, they faxed him back a proof, he needs to sign it saying everything's okay and then fax it back

he has like 1000 billion new corrections obviously because that's just how he rolls

so he came in to ask me my opinion on him asking for a second proof

i said 'i don't care'

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he just told me that he made his own business cards for his 'conference'

by 'conference' he means training he was sent on

i'd love to see one of these home-made business cards.

anyway i've been made privy to some new exciting information, apparently there's some crazy dude on the second floor who brought in a toaster from home and will flip out on anyone who uses it

i'm pretty sure if i casually mention that toast is 'really hip' i can have 5-0 in there with a whole loaf of bread tomorrow, and that could lead to 3-4 minutes of amusement

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5-0 asked if i could "do him a solid". you could tell he wasn't sure if this was the correct saying, after he spilled it out he started raising and lowering his eyebrows rapidly and kept giving me these minute little nods like a bird.

he then asked if i knew how he could find out his SIN (canadian equivalent of your SSN). why i would know this information is beyond me.

he also waves like a little girl, curling in all his fingers one after the other.

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god dammit 5-0's such an idiot!

so he came down here with the proof for his business cards and he's asking my opinion on EVERYTHING, like really retarded shit like "does this 'i' look a little thick to you? am i crazy? does it look like it's partially bolded? is it just me? i just need a second set of eyes" and anyway jesus christ he's got to be on his like 8th proof with this poor company and he's got the proof just swarming with post-it notes and shit and it's fucking bonkers

okay but anyway then he comes down again in his big clunky coat and he's looking seriously agitated and he's like "oh god.. oh god.. in my absence.. my office.. i.. i.." and like he's really worked up and having trouble saying stuff

so basically i guess when he switched offices he meticulously examined his current desk as well as the one the new office (they're the same exact model) and decided he wanted the furniture switched because one was a tiny bit nicer, which cost us like $1000 to do, and anyway we gave his old office away to another group that works on that floor

i guess they were bringing their stuff in and were sending all the furniture (technically our stuff even though we don't need it) to surplus. which is fine, we can always get it back, it just takes a form or two i think

anyway so i guess 5-0 walked by and saw stuff being put out in the hall for the movers and he totally lost his shit and started running around and was like CAN YOU DO THAT?! CAN YOU DO THAT?! and then i guess for whatever reason he ran down to my office and was like 'can you go up there.. and.. and.. i don't know.. they're gonna bring it to surplus!! our furniture!! oh god!!' and i guess he had a meeting to go to and couldn't do it himself

so i go up there and there's a couple of dudes in there moving shit around and i'm like 'hey dudes was there like a dorky retard running around up here sweating balls and all flustered up and shit?' and they're like 'yeah dude shit was bananas' and i'm like 'alright so what's happening?' and they're like 'we're throwing that shitty filing cabinet in the hallway out the fucking window because it sucks'

so i go out and it's a total piece of shit filing cabinet and i'd throw it out the window too, and i'm like 'fine by me, that dorky retard said you were nixing the desk and shit, too?' and they're like 'nah brah, we told that lanky fucker we were keeping the desk, it's just that shitty cabinet we're tossing'

what a fucking moron!!

ps replace all the things people said with proper office sentences