SO ONE OF THE BIG 'TREATS' OF THE YEAR IS THE FIELD TRIP TO THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY. WHICH IS DISAPPOINTINGLY SMALL WHEN I VISIT IT NOW, BUT AT THE TIME I WAS CONVINCED IT WAS BY FAR THE LARGEST MUSEUM IN THE WORLD. EVERYONE LOVED THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY. YOU GOT MORE EXERCISE THERE THAN YOU DID ANY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR, SIMPLY BECAUSE THE BUILDING WAS ENORMOUS AND CONTAINED THOUSANDS OF EXHIBITS THAT ALL HINGED ON PUSHING BUTTONS AND TURNING CRANKS. THE CIRCUIT FOR YOUR TYPICAL SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WAS AS FOLLOWS:
ENTER THE BUILDING. LOOK WISTFULLY AT THE DEHYDRATED ICE-CREAM IN THE GIFTSHOP. GO TO THAT THING WHERE YOU PRESS THE BUTTON AND MAGNETS MAKE AN IRON RING SHOOT ALONGSIDE A GIANT METAL POLE, SHAPED LIKE AN UPSIDE-DOWN 'U', OVER TO YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO IS JUST DYING TO PRESS HIS BUTTON SO HE CAN SEND THE IRON RING BACK OVER TO YOU.
THEN YOU GO PRESS THE BUTTON THAT MAKES THE LIGHTBULB TURN ON, THEN PRESS THE BUTTON THAT SENDS A GIANT VINDICTIVE PURPLE LINE OF ENERGY COURSING BETWEEN TWO ELECTRODES, THEN RUN ALONG A WHOLE STRING OF HIGHSCHOOL SCIENCE PROJECTS UNDER GLASS AND PRESS EVERY POSSIBLE BUTTON YOU CAN GET YOUR GRIMY FINGERS ON. RUN INTO AN ADJACENT ROOM THAT HAS AN ENORMOUS WALL FULL OF BLEEPING AND BLOOPING GIANT PLASTIC TRANSISTORS. COMPLETELY IGNORE THE LOOPED 'HISTORY OF THE COMPUTER' THAT'S BEING NARRATED IN ENGLISH AND THEN FRENCH. GO TO THE ASTRONAUT SECTION. TAKE AN 'AIR SHOWER' WHICH IS KIND OF JUST LIKE STANDING IN FRONT OF A FAN NOW THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT. GO TO THE CRAZY KITCHEN, WHICH IS JUST A ROOM BUILT ON PREPOSTEROUSLY OBTUSE AND ACUTE ANGLES. FIND THE INCUBATOR AND BE DISAPPOINTED IN HOW SLOWLY CHICKENS HATCH. TAP ON THE GLASS. GO TO THE TRAINS - REAL GODDAMNED TRAINS! AND CRAWL AROUND INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF THE CARS. GO LOOK AT THE MINIATURE CANADA-ARM AND MARVEL AT WHATEVER THAT THING IS. FIND THAT THING WHERE STEEL SPHERES SLOWLY MAKE CONCENTRIC CIRCLES INSIDE THIS THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A TORNADO. BRIEFLY THINK ABOUT LIFE AS THE HEAVY BALLS ROLL TO THEIR DOOM. TAKE BRIEF INTEREST IN ANOTHER CLASS FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL, AND INSTANTLY DECIDE YOU'RE MUCH HAPPIER AND BETTER OFF WITH YOUR CURRENT FRIENDS. WAIT IMPATIENTLY AS A MAN OR SCIENTIST PERFORMS AN HOURLY SHOW REGARDING THE MAGICAL PROPERTIES OF LIQUID NITROGEN. GET IDEAS WHEN HE DIPS A ROSE INTO THE COOLER AND THEN SHATTERS IT AGAINST THE WALLS. ALMOST LOSE YOUR SANITY AND REASON WHEN HE POURS THE STUFF OUT ON THE FLOOR, COMMANDS EVERYONE TO WAIT A FEW SECONDS, AND THEN LETS EVERYONE RUN AMUCK IN THE HISSING, EVAPORATING LIQUID. SCRAPE YOUR FINGERTIPS AGAINST THE STIFFENED CARPET. BACK TO THE TRAINS. ARGUE BACK AND FORTH WHETHER THE 'FIRE' IN THE BOILER THAT YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE GLASS IS REAL OR NOT. MEET UP WITH CLASS. EXCITEDLY YELL ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU HAVE DISCOVERED ABOUT LIFE; COMPLETELY IGNORE YOUR FRIENDS AS THEY PARROT IT ALL BACK TO YOU. CONSIDER FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU NO LONGER HAVE A JACKET. RUN TO THE PERISCOPES - THESE GO RIGHT UP THESE METAL PIPES A THOUSAND FEET ABOVE YOU AND COME OUT THE ROOF OF THE MUSEUM. STARE HAPPILY AT PASSERS-BY WHO ARE COMPLETELY IGNORANT THEY'RE BEING SPIED UPON. VAGUELY PONDER WHICH CONTINENT YOU MUST BE LOOKING AT. LOOK AT THE INSIDE OF A GEODE. WATCH A VIDEO OF A TOP SPINNING IN SLOW MOTION. AND THEN - THE GIFT SHOP! DEHYDRATED ASTRONAUT FOOD! SPY GEAR! DINOSAUR MODELS! SMALL BUT FUNCTIONING TELESCOPES! FEATHERS FROM GENUINE NATIVE AMERICANS! MINIATURE REPLICAS OF TOOLS NEEDED TO PERFORM A SUCCESSFUL ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG! HOLY CHRIST!
RETURN TO THE COATROOM HOLDING ONTO A RUBBER DINOSAUR THAT WILL QUICKLY GROW TO BE AS LARGE AS A TANK. REDISCOVER YOUR JACKET. INQUIRE AS TO WHETHER POPSICLES WILL BE DISTRIBUTED UPON RETURN TO CLASS. WALK OUTSIDE, SINGLE FILE. SUFFER A SPLIT-SECOND, ACHING, EXPECTANT FLASH OF AN EMOTION WELL BEYOND YOUR YEARS AS YOU LOOK AT THE SKY AND THE SNOW FALLING SOFTLY OUT OF IT. LAUNCH A PRIVATE INQUIRY AS TO WHERE THE SMELL OF OLD APPLES IS EMANATING. CHOOSE THE SEAT OVER THE BACK REAR TIRE. EXAMINE THE BACKING OF THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU. RUN YOUR FINGER OVER THE SMALL BLACK PLASTIC WIREY-THING THAT FOLLOWS THE CONTOUR OF THE SEAT, PEEL BACK SOME OF THE DUCT-TAPE REPAIRING A CUT IN THE SYNTHETIC LEATHER. PRESS YOUR NOSE AGAINST THE GLASS, HOOK YOUR FINGERS INTO THE SLOTS YOU NEED TO PUSH IN TO OPEN THE WINDOW, AND STARE OUT AT THE SLOW, DYING AFTERNOON FULL OF PEOPLE TRYING TO GET HOME.
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10 comments:
Actually, this is really good. It's not as funny funny, but it captures that kind of thing pretty well, and that's worth something. Native Americans don't have feathers, though.
Thanks, this was a real treat. I think you accurately captured the feel of every science museum in North America -- I recognize many of the exhibits from past elementary school field trips, and I've never even been outside of the US! Please don't delete this, it was really good.
Pretty funny, you have captured some of that 7-year-old, I can relate, I used to LOVE the gift shops.
Remember those dinosaur skeletons you used to assemble out of a flat, white cardboard-like substance? I'm going to buy some of those. I wonder if they still make them.
This is AWESOME. Like Rhaomi (Hi, MeFites!) said, this really captures the feeling of any science museum. I just took my daughter to the Boston MOS for the first time (she's 8) and she had almost this exact experience.
"WALK OUTSIDE, SINGLE FILE. SUFFER A SPLIT-SECOND, ACHING, EXPECTANT FLASH OF AN EMOTION WELL BEYOND YOUR YEARS AS YOU LOOK AT THE SKY AND THE SNOW FALLING SOFTLY OUT OF IT." -- You've captured that feeling perfectly. Don't delete this!
(...and hi, MeFites...)
I spent a lot of time in that museum when I was a kid in the early 90s. You have captured the thought process and activities perfectly. Thank you!
The bus paragraph is amazing. Brought back so many memories. I would always look at patterns in the crinkles of the plastic in the bus seats. There was a recurring gnome pattern that I would look for in every seat I would sit in.
anonymous - looking for patterns in bus seats is great. in the summer when my mom took me swimming at the nearby public pool i use to lie directly down on the concrete to dry off, and would look for patterns in the little rocks/grains of sand that made up the giant concrete slab
This is great. I'm diving into the archives now.
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