TADPOLE GAME

ALRIGHT THIS IS REALLY SHORT, IT'S A RETARDED GAME WE USE TO PLAY WHEN I WAS A KID:

OUR NEIGHBOR DAVE HAD A NICE BIG HOUSE WITH A GIANT GOLDFISH POND IN THE BACKYARD. THERE WERE THESE GIANT FLAT ROCKS FLAGGING THE PERIMETER OF THE POND AND THE POND ITSELF WAS FULL OF TADPOLES IN THE SPRING.

ANYWAY THE GAME STARTED WITH EVERYONE KNEELING DOWN ON A ROCK OF THEIR CHOOSING AND THEN THE FIRST PERSON WOULD REACH INTO THE WATER AND GRAB A TADPOLE. IN DOING SO HE WOULD UPSET ALL THE OTHER TADPOLES AND THEY'D ALL SWIM DOWN A FEW INCHES TO A LOWER PART OF THE POND AND SETTLE DOWN AMONG THE ALGAE AGAIN. THEN THE NEXT PERSON WOULD HAVE TO LEAN IN FURTHER AND GRAB A TADPOLE, AND ONCE AGAIN THEN THE TADPOLES WOULD SWIM DOWN TO AN EVEN LOWER ECHELON OF THE POND.

SO EVERYONE WOULD KEEP DOING THIS UNTIL SOME KID REACHED IN TOO FAR AND THE ROCK HE WAS ON WOULD TIP OVER AND THE KID AND HIS ROCK WOULD GO ALMOST VERTICAL AND SLIDE DOWN THE SIDE OF THE POND INTO THE WATER

THEN DAVE WOULD COME RUNNING OUT OF HIS HOUSE IN HIS HOUSECOAT AND TELL US ALL TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS YARD AND HOW HE WAS SICK OF DRAGGING OUT THE BIG ROCKS AND HOW WE WERE RIPPING UP THE LINING OF HIS GODDAMNED POND

MR. POITWATH/SALAMANDER

OH GODDAMN IT, WHILE I'M AT IT:

GRADE EIGHT, HAD A CHEM TEACHER NAMED MR. POITRAS. IT'S A VERY FRENCH NAME, SO YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO ROLL THE 'R' AROUND IN YOUR MOUTH FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES BEFORE SPITTING IT OUT. ANYWAY THERE WAS THIS KID CHRIS WHO VERY MUCH ENJOYED CALLING MR. POITRAS 'MR. POITWATH' WITH A HINT OF A LISP AND PRETENDING THAT HE SIMPLY COULDN'T DO ANY BETTER. HE ALWAYS SAID THE NAME TWICE IN A ROW (QUICKLY), AND EVEN TO THIS DAY, IF, FOR SOME VERY BIZARRE REASON, I HEAR 'MR. POITWATH!! MR. POITWATH!!' I AM INSTANTLY BE YANKED BACK TO A POORLY LIT CLASSROOM FULL OF LONG GRANITE COUNTERTOPS WITH BUILT IN DRAINS AND HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD BUNSEN BURNERS FROM A TIME LONG SINCE PASSED.

ANYWAY WE HAD SOME LOCKED CUPBOARDS IN THIS CLASSROOM AND THEY CONTAINED A MYRIAD OF DUSTY RELICS AND ARTEFACTS FROM GENERATIONS AGO. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE HAD A KEY TO THE CONTENTS OF THESE CUPBOARDS, BUT I PERSONALLY BELIEVED THAT THE SCHOOL HAD MOST LIKELY BEEN BUILT AROUND THESE OBJECTS, WHICH NO DOUBT HAD BEEN DISCOVERED BY PIONEERS WHEN THEY FIRST LANDED ON THESE WESTERN SHORES. THERE WERE SOME CRACKED, LEATHER-BOUND BOOKS THAT LOOKED LIKE THEY MIGHT BE ORIGINAL EDITIONS OF SHAKESPEARE, OR THE BIBLE, SOME RUSTY BRONZE TOOLS THAT I FANCIED CAME FROM THE BYZANTINE ERA, WHAT LOOKED LIKE THE WORLD'S FIRST WIG, AND A GIANT FOOT-LONG SALAMANDER IN A GIANT MASON JAR FILLED WITH FORMALDEHYDE.

SO ANYWAY CHRIS WAS KIND OF A JERK AND I REMEMBER AS SOON AS WE STARTED THE YEAR HE WAS YELLING OUT "MR. POITWATH! MR. POITWATH! WHAT'S THE THING IN THE CUPBOARD!" AND MR. POITRAS WOULD TRY AND MAINTAIN HIS DIGNITY AND TELL CHRIS THAT IT WAS OBVIOUSLY A SALAMANDER IN A JAR OF PRESERVATIVE. AND CHRIS ASKED WHERE IT CAME FROM AND MR. POITRAS SAID IT WAS THERE EVER SINCE HE COULD REMEMBER, AND THEN CHRIS GOT IT INTO HIS HEAD THAT MAYBE HE COULD CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF THE THING.

SO BASICALLY FROM THAT POINT ON EVERY CHEMISTRY COURSE WOULD START WITH CHRIS SCREAMING OUT "MR. POITWATH! MR. POITWATH! CAN I HAVE THE SALAMANDER?" AND MR. POITRAS WOULD LOOK LIKE HE HAD BEEN MORTALLY WOUNDED AND WOULD MOUTH OUT 'POITRAS' IN A BESEECHING SORT OF WAY AND THEN TELL CHRIS IN NO POLITE TERMS THAT HE COULD NOT HAVE THE SALAMANDER. AND THEN THE NEXT DAY THIS WOULD REPEAT ITSELF.

ANYWAY MR. POITRAS CRACKED AFTER ABOUT A MONTH OF THIS ABUSE AND TOLD CHRIS THAT IF HE STOPPED YELLING OUT HIS NAME EVERYDAY, AND MAINTAINED AN 80 AVERAGE, HE COULD HAVE THE SALAMANDER AT THE END OF THE YEAR. AND CHRIS TOTALLY COMPLIED. I MEAN THERE WERE STILL A LOT OF 'MR. POITWATH'S' BUT ON THE WHOLE CHRIS KEPT HIS PROMISE.

SO THE END OF THE YEAR COMES AROUND AND IT'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL AND CHRIS IS ALL FIDGETY AND MR. POITRAS IS ALL FIDGETY AND HE'S HANDING OUT FINAL GRADES AND I THINK EVERYONE'S WAY MORE INTERESTED IN CHRIS' MARK RATHER THAN THEIR OWN. AND MR. POITRAS HANDS CHRIS A PIECE OF PAPER AND CHRIS LOOKS AT THE GRADE AND SCREAMS OUT 'YES!!!! MR. POITWATH!! MR. POITWATH!! I GOT OVER 80! YOU SAID I COULD HAVE THE SALAMANDER!' AND MR. POITRAS SIGHS AND SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY OLD AND MUMBLES SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HE'LL GO FIND A KEY AND DISAPPEARS FROM THE ROOM.

SO WE'RE ALL ASKING CHRIS WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO WITH THE SALAMANDER AND HE KEEPS SAYING HE'S GOT PLANS AND SUDDENLY MR. POITRAS REAPPEARS WITH LIKE THE WORLD'S OLDEST SKELETON KEY AND SLIPS IT INTO THE KEYHOLE AND TURNS BACK THE LOCK. HE GRABS THE GIANT MASON JAR WITH BOTH HANDS AND TURNS IT OVER TO CHRIS, WHO IMMEDIATELY SHRIEKS IN DELIGHT AND RUNS RIGHT OUT OF THE CLASSROOM.

AND WE'RE ALL MOMENTARILY STUNNED AND CAN HEAR HIM STILL SHRIEKING AND TEACHERS ARE STICKING THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE DOORS AND THE SHRIEK DIES DOWN A BIT IN VOLUME AND WE HEAR A DOOR SLAM AND THE SHRIEK STARTS GETTING LOUDER AGAIN

AND IT'S CLEAR THAT CHRIS IS NOW OUTSIDE SO EVERYONE RUNS TO THE WINDOWS - THERE WAS A NICE LONG ROW OF WINDOWS IN THIS CLASSROOM OVERLOOKING THE GIANT PARKING LOT WHERE THE SCHOOLBUSSES CONGREGATE AND THE WINDOWS ARE ALL OPEN BECAUSE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL JUNE AFTERNOON SO WE CAN HEAR AND SEE THINGS CLEARLY. THE SUN IS BEATING DOWN ON THE ASPHALT AND EVERYTHING IS JUST REALLY WARM AND SUNNY.

BECAUSE IT'S ONLY LIKE 3:05 THERE'S ONLY ONE LONE SCHOOLBUS PARKED IN THAT GIANT PARKING LOT AND WE ALL WATCH AS CHRIS MAKES A BEELINE FOR IT, SHRIEKING AND HOLDING THE JAR, AND HE RUNS DOWN THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE PARKING LOT, AND GODDAMN IT IF HE DOESN'T JUST HUCK THAT FUCKING JAR RIGHT AT THE SIDE OF THE SCHOOL BUS AND IT EXPLODES INTO A BILLION PIECES AND THAT GIANT BLOATED SALAMANDER FALLS HEAVILY TO THE GROUND AND IS JUST LYING THERE AND CHRIS JUST KEEPS TEARING ACROSS THE PARKING LOT SHRIEKING UNTIL HE'S OUT OF SIGHT. IT WAS A REALLY INTERESTING WAY TO END THE SCHOOL YEAR.